Tag Archives: yankees

An Epic Gathering of All 30 General Managers for a Round Table Chat About the Trade Deadline

Say Morgan LeFay or Gandalf or another wizard/witch of your choice appeared and decided to put all the GMs at a table together, the day before the trade deadline.  I imagine it would look something like this.

Brian Sabean, Giants- (crowing) We got Carlos Beltran!  We got Carlos Beltran!

Kevin Towers, Diamondbacks- Very nice, Brian.  Very nice.  But, you know, we got Jason Marquis from the Orioles and he is remarkably good against your Giants!

Daniel O’Dowd, Rockies- We are, ahem, building up for our future.  We have really good trading pawns.  I mean, the Yankees want Ubaldo in pinstripes!  We are going to be a force to be reckoned with.  (Silence.)  Um, could I get some dramatic music on that please, interns?  (Pause, and then dramatic music starts.)

Ned Colleti, Dodgers- (interrupts) Alyssa Milano was recently spotted at one of our games!  And we sent her a Dodgers onsie for her new baby!

Jed Hoyer, Padres- (leans forward with barely restrained fury) Do not think for one moment, Jon Daniels, that just because you beat me out in being the youngest GM ever, that I am going to give you Heath Bell or any of the other pieces of my utterly fantastic bullpen.  Understood?

Ruben Amaro Jr., Phillies- Very cool that you got Beltran while playing us, Sabes.  (Sabean interjects, “Not that nickname!”) But it is worth noting that we scored the other big bat on the market, Hunter Pence!

Frank Wren, Braves- We are, of course, exploring our options.  We have a bright, uh, future, Braves fans!  Do not lose faith!  We will be doi–

Sandy Alderson, Mets- If I am assassinated by angry Mets fans, please put on my tombstone, “He dealt Beltran because Sabes forces him to…”  (Sabean interjects, “Not that nickname!”)

Michael Hill, Marlins- Life’s a marathon, guys, not a sprint.  And did you happen to see my marathon times, from 2008?  They were pretty rad!

Mike Rizzo, Nationals- I will accept any questions about anything, including, but not limited to, the debt ceiling and how we feel about it here in DC, except questions regarding Jayson Werth and his contract and his supremely low batting average.  Thank you.

Doug Melvin, Brewers- I proudly point you all to my book of “101 Things Every GM Should Do”, which particularly focuses on the thought behind committing to paying Ryan Braun through 2030.  And we also acquired Hairball 2.0 from the Nationals.  Pretty good year, huh?

John Mozeliak, Cardinals- Albert Pujols is not up for trading.  I repeat, Albert Pujols is not up for trading.  I repeat, Albert Pujols is no–

Neal Huntington, Pirates- I’ll just interject right here if no one minds… Ruben, I disagree that it was cool of Sabes (Sabean interjects, “Not that nickname!) to get Beltran.  Nor was it cool of you get Hunter Pence.  We need a big bat!  Hey, Mozeliak, you sure about Pujols?

Walt Jocketty, Reds- I would like to make it clear that we are not selling at this trade deadline.  We are still very much contenders.  And yes, I’ve seen a doctor about my delusions.

Jim Hendry, Cubs- We are building a better future for us.  Better than the last 102 years, that is.  We traded Fukudome for Abner Abreu  and Carlton Smith.  I would like to direct your attention to Carlton’s impressive AAA ERA of 5.46 and the equally impressive fact that Abner shares a last name with Bobby!

Ed Wade, Astros- I’ve loved working with all of you.  Really, I have.  If my job, ahem, something, ahem, happens to it.  You all are the best.  (At this point he takes out a blue and white checkered hankie and dabs his eyes.)

Theo Epstein, Red Sox- (Looking at Wade with distaste.)  You know, Ed, your name has always reminded me of that odd Johnny Depp movie, Ed Wood?  Remember it?  It’s about the arguably worst film maker even.  Ironic.  (He smirks and pauses.  Then continues, with condescending smiles.)  Anyhow, we are winning!  Duh!

Brian Cashman, Yankees- I am being haunted.  (Looks around, petrified.)  Someone believe me, please!   George won’t let me be!  Help!  No, I am not dealing anyone!  No, I am not acquiring anyone!  Just move right alone!

Andrew Friedman, Rays- I’m experimenting with a new way of doing trades.  I talk to players about their gut feelings.  BJ’s is that he won’t be traded.  So we’re just, you know, going with that.  It’s really… cool.

Alex Anthopoulos, Blue Jays- Anyone checked out my boy Jose Bautista’s homerun totals lately?  (Hastily adds:) No, sorry, Pirates-guy.  He’s not For Trading.

John Angelos, Orioles- Yes, we are sellers.  Any other questions?  (Sighs wearily.)

Dave Dombrowski, Tigers- It’s worth noting, O’Dowd, that the Yankees are not the only team interested in Ubaldo.  Justin Verlander is lonely!   And since I’m on a national stage here, I’d also like to reassure the public that our stadium is not in the state of decay it is in Eminem’s music video, “Beautiful”.  Thanks, guys.

Chris Antonetti, Indians- Dombrowski!  We are also interested in Ubaldo!

Kenny Williams, White Sox- We are still recovering from massive storms in the winter and massive heat waves this summer.  The chances of a move are slim, very slim.  I spend my whole life going from heating to AC.  Sorry.

Bill Smith, Twins- Would now be an inappropriate time to call security and make them take that Pirates guy out?  He’s practically trading for our Jason Kubel with his eyes!

Dayton Moore, Royals- Today, we acquired two guys with rocking names: utility player Yamaico Navarro and minor leaguer Kendal Volz.  The future looks good, right KC’ers?!

Jon Daniels, Rangers- I will not, of course, comment on specific players.  We are, however, going to sid-down and explore the possibility of an acquisition that might provide the possibility of improvement for our organization, depending on the conclusions we might potentially come to when we do the afore mentioned siddin’-down.  Interested in siddin’ down, Jed?  Oh, right.  You already said.

Tony Reagins, Angels- The AL West is mine!  Could you please cue up that dramatic music again, interns?  (Jon Daniels snickers.)

Billy Beane, Athletics- Now that the lockout’s ended, I’m sure football fans are excited for some action.  Maybe we could just call it a season and the Raiders could get going a little early.  Hmmm.

Jack Zduriencik, Mariners- You gotta believe… (At which point the New York media choruses, “You gotta bereave…)

And that was that.  The GMs get their too-narrow sunglasses and sporty jackets, power-up their Blackberries and leave.  Until the General Manager Meetings, folks!

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Schierholtz’s game-saving throw in the 11th was gorgeous.  Really and truly. I watched it once.  Then twice.  Then three times.  I’ll stop there because it might creep you out to hear how many times I actually watched it.  Really, it almost leaves me with a, “we lost the game, so what?” vibe because that was truly heart-warming.  There’s been more than a little grumbling about Nate’s move to left field to accommodate Beltran, but it paid off, right there.  Right place, right time.  And if someone had to walk off on us the Giant in Cinci?  Then I’m glad it was Edgar.  I will love that guy until the end of my days.

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“Disgusting!”

You pay me (well, you don’t pay me.  Hint, hint.) to be honest so that’s what I’m going to be:  the band who opened the Home Run Derby was painfully bad.  I don’t know who they are because I turned it on in the middle, but I promptly turned it off then and waited for the real thing to start.  The pitchers who were supposed to be live tweeting from the sidelines had bad phone reception (think: roof closed) and so their tweets were delayed about an hour.  Not so live.  And the first round was mind-numbingly boring.  I munched on my licorice and cherries and sketched heart shaped faces with different haircuts while I watched.  All I remember is the strange broadcasters yelling, “Disgusting!” after one particularly impressive shot.  They were… strange.

Then came the second round.  That was a little better.  Fewer people, more drama and the broadcasters had run out of home run calls so they piped down a little.

Then came the third round and that was actually way exciting.  I have a bit of a Gonzalez vendetta (vendetta may be a strong word, but first he was on the Padres, now the BoSox.  Needless to say, I can’t stand him.) and I really like Robbie, not to mention the sweetness of his dad pitching to him.  So Cano’s come-from-behind victory was dramatic and lots of fun.

The other really sweet thing about the HRD was how many of the players had their kids on the field/in the dugout with them.  Matt Cain, his wife Chelsea and their daughter Harley Mae for sure won the prize for Cutest Ever.  Gotta love that darling headband.

This isn’t the first time Cainer or his fam have rocked the orange and black tastefully.

Maybe he’s a sleeper for the Best Dressed MLB’ers.  Who would have thought?

Carlos Beltran is fueling his own little The Decision fire, dropping hints about teams he would waive his no-trade clause for but I think the absolutely beautiful way he says “Pablo Sandoval” is a sure sign that he’s harboring a deep wish to come to the Giants.  I’ve read up about him a bit and I hope they let him sleep for part of the flight because he loves sleeping and I also hope they served him rice, beans and pork chops (favorite meal).  Playing Marc Anthony wouldn’t have been too bad either.  That’s his favorite singer.  If the Red Sox get him or something, I will blame it on a lack of rice, beans and pork chop on the charter plane.

The main event is tonight.  I think I need to go stock up on licorice.  I already miss Ryan Braun.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Dave Robertson in the All Star parade.  I’m not usually a squee person, but… squee.

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5 Cooler Cars for Brian Wilson and an Over-Under on Michael Young

There are so many things I could write about today.  The fact that AJ Burnett is either delusional or his therapist told him to repeat positive affirmations to anyone and everyone.  The fact that the World Class Good Guy seems to be morphing into a World Class Bad Guy before our very eyes.  The fact that Mat Latos is on a bizarre anti-SF rampage.  And then the whole, “is Aaron Rowand mad?” thing (although no one except me seems that fascinated by that).  What I actually want to write about is the thing that made me wonder if there was indeed a minimum age to be in the Majors.  Apparently, they let pre-adolescents in.  Or at least, people with very preadolescent senses of humor.

Andrew Baggerly of the San Jose Mercury News (who, by the way, is killing all the other writers with his coverage of Spring Training) reports that Brian Wilson’s new ride is a fully decked out police cruiser.  With a loudspeaker.  On which he announces his arrival in the morning with, “I’m heeeere!”

If I gave my little brother a toy police cruiser for his birthday, yes, he might do that.  But that is no excuse for Brian.  My brother is 20-odd years younger than him.  That’s not what they mean when they say, “unlock the child within you”.  At least I hope it isn’t.

If he thinks the Obamas having a water dog is not cool, then I would like to say that driving a police cruiser is, um, not cool either.  Just saying.  Don’t want to get arrested.  Don’t want to get arrested.  Don’t want to get put in Bad Fan Prison.  But that is not cool.

So, of course, I made him a list of 5 cooler cars.  If you are slightly or very puzzled by this and the last paragraph, watch this quick episode of Life of Brian.

5.  Ferrari.  I don’t actually get the obsession with Ferrari’s and that they’re everybody’s dream car.  Except for the name.  I melt for Italian names.  (My father just alerted me that his parents had several Ferraris, which I was not previously aware of.  I know about the Emilio Pucci dresses and the Chanel boots they have passed down, but, until now, nothing about the hip cars.)

4.  Prius.  This is the cool of the future.  ::Joe Martinez yells, “The car from the Ghost Writer!”  I ignore::  Set the trends, Willy!

3.  A Chrysler.  I am being a shameless ad sucker here, but I am still into that Superbowl Chrysler ad.

2.  An old school VW bus.  You know, the kind Timmy wanted.  They may not think that’s cool down in Hollywood but it’s way cool up here.

1.  And Joe said that coolest one of all.  The car from The Ghost Writer.  I have referenced this before, here.  That beautiful car has an intelligent GPS that will lead you to the murder spot of your predecessor at work.  If that isn’t cool, what is?

There.  No one can accuse me of not giving useful advice now.  I just got you your baseball news and a list of cool cars, lumped into one.

I am calling grocery stores all over the Bay Area trying to find one that stocks mass amounts of popcorn.  This Michael Young saga may last a long time.  I still have my Team Jon shirt, but I’ve run out of popcorn.  Over or under, 40 days and 40 nights?  ‘Cause I need to know so I can stock up.

Diamond Girl

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I’ve Always Disliked Zoos…

…and human zoos?  Well.  Those are the worst.

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That is an SF Chronicle photo.  I told you it was a zoo.  Literally.  People behind bars.

I can’t personally testify though.  I had an unfortunate scheduling conflict which brought me into San Francisco, just a few miles away from the park but occupied me for most of the hours of FanFest.  I was planning to stop by and check it out for a few minutes, but as the day progressed I realized it wasn’t really a check-it-out situation.  As I listened to the radio driving in, I kept hearing, “if you are not already in line, do not come!  Repeat, do not come!”  And reading on Facebook afterwards there were a lot of people who waited for hours and didn’t get in or got in and were disappointed.  So I ate my avocado sandwich (avocado sandwiches are really good, for the record.  Really good.) on a bench and watched the parades of people and orange and black.  And later got to drive behind them on the freeway.  I might as well have been at the event.  I mean, I was there for the traffic.

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Anyway.  If any of you were there, do share, beautiful people.  I am curious to hear some firsthand accounts.

Lastly, this post is for the guy with the Best Accent in Baseball.  He also cracked my Best Dressed MLB’er list, in this outfit.

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I am still in shock about Andy Pettitte announcing his retirement.  He is one of the reasons I fell in love with the game of baseball and I will miss him- and yes, his accent- a lot.  Tipping my white beanie to him.

Diamond Girl

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If This is What 2011 is Like, I Want 2010 Back and Why I Am Okay With the World Ending in May


Everyone is probably totally over 1-1-11, by now, but I just looked at my web stats and saw that I had 111 visitors to my blog that day.  Isn’t the just one of those things that makes you smile?  It makes me smile, at least.

Anyway.  If this is what 2011 is like, I want 2010 back.  I’m sure I’ll change my mind soon, but this year has been pretty hellish so far.  One violent cold and an undisclosed number of bowls of potato leek soup later, I’m finally ready to start the new year.  In Diamond Girl Land, it is now January 1st.  And every day is National Cupcake Day there too, because I could really use a cupcake right now.  Because aside from my cold, the endless parade of slow news day are enough to make anyone need some cupcakes.  I guess a few things did happen.

The Rangers made their deals with Webb and Rhodes official. 

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And Jon Daniels said something vaguely incoherent at the press conference.

The Giants did God-only-knows-whatever-they-do-all-offseason.

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Looks like it’s boring for Sabean too.

A-Rod sported a particularly atrocious fedora in Vegas.

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And Armageddon is coming in May.  Good thing Ashton Kutcher is ready.

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Bad shades and all.

In a little bit of good news, only 41 days until catchers and pitchers report and the 2011 season comes a little closer to reality.  Even if judgment day does come in May, we’ll get a month of the new baseball season in before then.  I am no longer afraid.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  MLBlogs is doing that thing with the bolds again.  Sorry for the weirdness.

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