Say Morgan LeFay or Gandalf or another wizard/witch of your choice appeared and decided to put all the GMs at a table together, the day before the trade deadline. I imagine it would look something like this.
Brian Sabean, Giants- (crowing) We got Carlos Beltran! We got Carlos Beltran!
Kevin Towers, Diamondbacks- Very nice, Brian. Very nice. But, you know, we got Jason Marquis from the Orioles and he is remarkably good against your Giants!
Daniel O’Dowd, Rockies- We are, ahem, building up for our future. We have really good trading pawns. I mean, the Yankees want Ubaldo in pinstripes! We are going to be a force to be reckoned with. (Silence.) Um, could I get some dramatic music on that please, interns? (Pause, and then dramatic music starts.)
Ned Colleti, Dodgers- (interrupts) Alyssa Milano was recently spotted at one of our games! And we sent her a Dodgers onsie for her new baby!
Jed Hoyer, Padres- (leans forward with barely restrained fury) Do not think for one moment, Jon Daniels, that just because you beat me out in being the youngest GM ever, that I am going to give you Heath Bell or any of the other pieces of my utterly fantastic bullpen. Understood?
Ruben Amaro Jr., Phillies- Very cool that you got Beltran while playing us, Sabes. (Sabean interjects, “Not that nickname!”) But it is worth noting that we scored the other big bat on the market, Hunter Pence!
Frank Wren, Braves- We are, of course, exploring our options. We have a bright, uh, future, Braves fans! Do not lose faith! We will be doi–
Sandy Alderson, Mets- If I am assassinated by angry Mets fans, please put on my tombstone, “He dealt Beltran because Sabes forces him to…” (Sabean interjects, “Not that nickname!”)
Michael Hill, Marlins- Life’s a marathon, guys, not a sprint. And did you happen to see my marathon times, from 2008? They were pretty rad!
Mike Rizzo, Nationals- I will accept any questions about anything, including, but not limited to, the debt ceiling and how we feel about it here in DC, except questions regarding Jayson Werth and his contract and his supremely low batting average. Thank you.
Doug Melvin, Brewers- I proudly point you all to my book of “101 Things Every GM Should Do”, which particularly focuses on the thought behind committing to paying Ryan Braun through 2030. And we also acquired Hairball 2.0 from the Nationals. Pretty good year, huh?
John Mozeliak, Cardinals- Albert Pujols is not up for trading. I repeat, Albert Pujols is not up for trading. I repeat, Albert Pujols is no–
Neal Huntington, Pirates- I’ll just interject right here if no one minds… Ruben, I disagree that it was cool of Sabes (Sabean interjects, “Not that nickname!) to get Beltran. Nor was it cool of you get Hunter Pence. We need a big bat! Hey, Mozeliak, you sure about Pujols?
Walt Jocketty, Reds- I would like to make it clear that we are not selling at this trade deadline. We are still very much contenders. And yes, I’ve seen a doctor about my delusions.
Jim Hendry, Cubs- We are building a better future for us. Better than the last 102 years, that is. We traded Fukudome for Abner Abreu and Carlton Smith. I would like to direct your attention to Carlton’s impressive AAA ERA of 5.46 and the equally impressive fact that Abner shares a last name with Bobby!
Ed Wade, Astros- I’ve loved working with all of you. Really, I have. If my job, ahem, something, ahem, happens to it. You all are the best. (At this point he takes out a blue and white checkered hankie and dabs his eyes.)
Theo Epstein, Red Sox- (Looking at Wade with distaste.) You know, Ed, your name has always reminded me of that odd Johnny Depp movie, Ed Wood? Remember it? It’s about the arguably worst film maker even. Ironic. (He smirks and pauses. Then continues, with condescending smiles.) Anyhow, we are winning! Duh!
Brian Cashman, Yankees- I am being haunted. (Looks around, petrified.) Someone believe me, please! George won’t let me be! Help! No, I am not dealing anyone! No, I am not acquiring anyone! Just move right alone!
Andrew Friedman, Rays- I’m experimenting with a new way of doing trades. I talk to players about their gut feelings. BJ’s is that he won’t be traded. So we’re just, you know, going with that. It’s really… cool.
Alex Anthopoulos, Blue Jays- Anyone checked out my boy Jose Bautista’s homerun totals lately? (Hastily adds:) No, sorry, Pirates-guy. He’s not For Trading.
John Angelos, Orioles- Yes, we are sellers. Any other questions? (Sighs wearily.)
Dave Dombrowski, Tigers- It’s worth noting, O’Dowd, that the Yankees are not the only team interested in Ubaldo. Justin Verlander is lonely! And since I’m on a national stage here, I’d also like to reassure the public that our stadium is not in the state of decay it is in Eminem’s music video, “Beautiful”. Thanks, guys.
Chris Antonetti, Indians- Dombrowski! We are also interested in Ubaldo!
Kenny Williams, White Sox- We are still recovering from massive storms in the winter and massive heat waves this summer. The chances of a move are slim, very slim. I spend my whole life going from heating to AC. Sorry.
Bill Smith, Twins- Would now be an inappropriate time to call security and make them take that Pirates guy out? He’s practically trading for our Jason Kubel with his eyes!
Dayton Moore, Royals- Today, we acquired two guys with rocking names: utility player Yamaico Navarro and minor leaguer Kendal Volz. The future looks good, right KC’ers?!
Jon Daniels, Rangers- I will not, of course, comment on specific players. We are, however, going to sid-down and explore the possibility of an acquisition that might provide the possibility of improvement for our organization, depending on the conclusions we might potentially come to when we do the afore mentioned siddin’-down. Interested in siddin’ down, Jed? Oh, right. You already said.
Tony Reagins, Angels- The AL West is mine! Could you please cue up that dramatic music again, interns? (Jon Daniels snickers.)
Billy Beane, Athletics- Now that the lockout’s ended, I’m sure football fans are excited for some action. Maybe we could just call it a season and the Raiders could get going a little early. Hmmm.
Jack Zduriencik, Mariners- You gotta believe… (At which point the New York media choruses, “You gotta bereave…)
And that was that. The GMs get their too-narrow sunglasses and sporty jackets, power-up their Blackberries and leave. Until the General Manager Meetings, folks!
p.s. Schierholtz’s game-saving throw in the 11th was gorgeous. Really and truly. I watched it once. Then twice. Then three times. I’ll stop there because it might creep you out to hear how many times I actually watched it. Really, it almost leaves me with a, “we lost the game, so what?” vibe because that was truly heart-warming. There’s been more than a little grumbling about Nate’s move to left field to accommodate Beltran, but it paid off, right there. Right place, right time. And if someone had to walk off on us the Giant in Cinci? Then I’m glad it was Edgar. I will love that guy until the end of my days.