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This Makes Me Feel Vulnerable and Todd-Wellemeyer-Era-Esque

Okay, panic control time.  For both those who are panicking jubuliantly (dirty look) and those who are really panicking (that’s me).  Whether or not you are a Zito fan, doesn’t it feel disturbing for one of last year’s  starting five to be hurt?  It makes me feel vulnerable and Todd-Wellemeyer-era-esque.  I would also like to add that though I am not a superstitious person, when the majority of last offseason was spent saying “Zito is a #5 starter who never gets hurt, how bad can it be?” I felt a little like clapping a hand of the speaker’s mouth and saying, “Shhhh, anyone can get hurt.” 

The ironic thing is that the call-up of Vogelsong didn’t necessitate any roster moves, because the Giants had 39 men on their 40 man roster.  Not only do the Giants have a lot of fans this year, they have quite a lot of players.  Some (that’s me) might say too many.  I was floored to learn we were under the quota.  My feeling about the team, the past few days?

I don’t like it in here.  It’s terribly crowded.

 

I’m scared that Bochy and Sabean are going to turn mad (turn mad?) unless they do a little spring cleaning.  There are some serious diamonds and some diamonds in the rough in this organization but there’s also a fair share of fool’s gold.

Basically, I think the front office needs to be bloody, bold and resolute (having a quotes field day, here).  This doesn’t need to happen right now- it’s early-, but at some point they are going to need to get rid of some people and designate the roles of other’s.  Variables = great.  Crowded = destructive.  And right now it’s just plain crowded.  I like Ishi and Nate, but they are both Major League caliber players who just have no place on this club in the foreseeable future.  I get that they’re good to have as options/pinch hitters/alternate starters/injury fill-ins.  But in the meantime?  If they’re going to stick around, they need a role that is understood and can be fulfilled.  And is DeRosa really that super-utility man who plays every night in a different position?  I can’t tell.  Maybe it’s because of his wrist flarin’ up or maybe there’s just no room.  I think when Belt’s surprisingly made the team out of the desert he messed with the whole 2011 plan.

I’m a bit of a neat freak but the way I clean is less focused on things being clean and more on things being organized.  Likewise, Giants.  Likewise.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  This week in MLB hair.  I mean, afros are coming back this season.  But usually a little more, ahem, tamed?  And if Zito’s at all superstitious, is it too much to hope for that he would lose the James Franco ‘stache?

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13 Things Brian Sabean Needs to Do Before the Giants Hit Scottsdale and Why Surprise, AZ Needs an Exclamation Point

I’m heading down to the City of Angels, otherwise known as Dodgertown, USA tomorrow to visit family.  I am really not a Southern California person (Berkeley born and raised, baby!) and the whole I’m-a-Giants-fan-they’re-Dodgers-fans thing makes it all the more, you know, complicated.  Every time I pledge to be really mellow and not offensive when talking about baseball.  And I am really, really going to try not to rub in the Giants performance in 2010 versus the Dodgers performance last year.  We are World Champions.  We are above that.  Wish me luck.

I think we will share common joy, though, because we are on the home stretch of the offseason.  I am so excited.  Everyone seems to think the teams are pretty much done for the offseason.  I think the Giants front office- hello, Brian Sabean- have a few things left to do.  And since 13 is both an unlucky number (tradition) and a lucky number (Cody Ross), 13 it is.

13.  Institute a new facial hair rule.  ‘Nuff said.

12.  Make sure Jonathan Sanchez is out of his (very overpriced) leather jacket and ready to roll.  You know.  Pitch.

11.  Plant trees in honor of Chris Ray and Todd Wellemeyer, who are now Mariners and Cubs respectively.  Or they may be members of AAA affiliates of the aforementioned teams.  A moment of silence would do if the tree thing takes too long.

10.  Watch ALCS videos to get adequately afraid of the Rangers, in preparation for their March faceoff.  The Giants may have skewed impressions of the Rangers from what went down in the World Series, so a little refreshment of the memory may be in order.

9.  Buy a drumming table for the clubhouse.  Lincecum, in “A Day in the Life of Tim Lincecum”, says “Zito would have a day with this”.  And it would make a great diversion to break up possible monotony of the Desperate Ballplayers of San Fran. 

8.  Clear up for me whether or not those World Series rings have poison in them.  In all corny historical movies/books, nobility (yes, the Giants are nobility.  Duh.) have poison in their fancy rings.  I have a (irrational?  Yes.) suspicion that the Giants’ rings do as well.  You can call me a conspiracy theorist now, if you want.

7.  Have a long talk with your marketing department before you release the 2011 ad campaigns.  A. because it needs to live up to It’s Time and B. because the whole “It’s September Inside” was kind of embarrassing.  It was September outside, too.

6.  Don’t put Belt on the roster out of camp.  Bring him up on May 29nd.  Then pretend it was a coincidence.  (Don’t I just give the best advice in the world?)

5.  Go to each and every one of those stalls that sells Emerald Nuts and tell them that it’s false advertising to have a big sign that says, “Roasted Walnuts” when all you ever have in stock is roasted pecans.  I have nothing against pecans, but that is just way misleading.

4.  Orange lipstick was big on Spring 2011 runways.  It’s the new, modern take on classic red.  Alert female Giants fans.

3.  Go to the New York Giants and demand giants.com.  They are not world champions.  We are.  They can be nygiants.com.

2.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Everything’s going to be okay. 

1.  Take a little vacation.  Get a spa treatment.  The season is going to be long.  Appreciate the offseason while it’s here.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  And one assignment for JD and the Rangers:  since your spring training camp is in Surprise, AZ, would you do me a huge favor and convince the mayor there to add an exclamation point at the end?  That would be just awesome.  SURPRISE!, AZ.

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Script: My Conversation with Brian Sabean

Time: The Present

Setting:  Post-apocalyptic San Francisco with red tinged sky and eerie silence, except for bats flying around.  Okay, fine.  It’s an office at AT&T Park.  I was trying just to liven things up.  Brian Sabean and Diamond Girl are sitting in the office.  Sabean is wearing a grey suit, minus jacket.  DG is wearing a sweater dress, jeggings and boots.  Her perfume is Amber by Prada and her purple eyeshadow is from MAC. 

DG:  Hello, Brian!

Sabean (looking slightly suspicious):  Hello, Diamond Girl.

DG:  You know, I’m so glad to meet you.  I’ve always been a huge fan of yours.

Sabean (Looking very suspicious):  Huh.  Funny I saw on your blog that you stopped rooting for the Giants in the World Series because you were unhappy with me.

DG:  Uh, no.  That totally didn’t happen. 

Diamond Girl subtly pulls out iPod Touch and deletes the post he is referencing.

DG:  Anyway, Sabes.

Sabean:  Brian.  Or Mr. Sabean.  Or GM Extraordinaire.   Whatever.  Just not that horrible nickname.   I can’t stan–

DG:  Okkkkaayyy.   Moving right along.  What I was trying to say is just that I think you’ve done a great job at setting up your team to repeat in 2011.

Sabean:  Who gave you this meeting?  I have better ways to spend my time than listening to fangirls tell me why my team is awesome.

DG:  I have my ways.  Of getting meetings.

The scene fades and there is a flashback of DG in a witch hat over a cauldron saying an incantation to get a meeting with Brian Sabean.  Scene flashes back.

DG:  Actually, GM Extrordinai–

Sabean:  Please.  I wasn’t being serious.  That was just an example.

DG:  Oh.  Sorry.  Okay.  Mr. Sabean.  I actually have an idea for y’all.

Sabean:   Do enlighten me.

DG:  You know how you’ve always had that sort of loser-hanger-oner-starter the past few years?

Sabean:  Like Wellemeyer or Joey.

DG:  Right.  Who do you think is going to fill that role this year?

Sabean:  We’re World Series champs, Diamond Girl.  We don’t need loser-hanger-oner-starters.

DG:  I beg to differ.  And the great part is that this interesting, talented, only slightly loser-hanger-oner-starter was just DFA’ed.

Sabean:  That’s too good to be true!

DG:  But it is true.  His name is Armando Galarraga and the Tigers DFA’ed him.  Sure, there’s a 2.5 million dollar contract there, but we got money, right?

Sabean:  Wow, Diamond Girl!  What a great idea!

Sabean turns to phone and calls Dave Dombrowski .  Within a few minutes, the deal is complete. 

Exeunt DG and Sabean.  Scene fades.

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