Tag Archives: spring training

A Leaked Invitation to the “Just Chill Out™ Dinner” for Ryan Braun and MLB Execs

It’s not as exciting as a Royal Wedding invitation.  But nearly.  Very nearly.

Who:  Ryan Braun and the MLB executives who so vehemently disagree with the ruling on his PED case

When:  A nice warm evening whenever

Where:  A soothing dining room

What:  This intimate dinner is designed to help everyone meet cordially and discuss their issues in a non-threatening environment.  Presented by Just Chill Out, Inc.™

All the details:  When faced with an issue like this, famous people and organizations tend to do their cat-fighting through the media and cryptic statements.  While these do serve to get out the angst you’re proabably feeling inside you, it doesn’ t ultimately help with the underlying issues.  Our dinners present an opportunity to really tresh out your feelings in a confidential, face-to-face setting.

With a menu including a wide array of delicious foods that are specially designed to help mellow you out, this dinner is truly the whole package.  Starting with a hearty bowl of chicken soup for the disillusioned ballplayer soul and ending on a high note with a dark chocolate lava cake that is sure to leave everyone smiling, tensions will let up before you can blink an eyelash.  We also serve warm milk with every course which does the calming job fast.

Group therapy has never been so fun!

Call 1-800-CHIL-OUT (hey, Chill Out was too many digits) if you have any questions at all and get ready to solve your problems productively and delectably.

Terms and conditions apply.  Void where prohibited, where there are no cool celebrities and/or if you do not like chocolate lava cake.  Just Chill Out, Inc.™ reserves the right to flee the country at any time if you have a food fight with your enemy and trash the premises.  We do not cover medical bills if you get food poisoning after a Just Chill Out, Inc.™ dinner nor can we guarantee results of any kind.  BYO disillusioned ballplayers.

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Game of Thrones Bashing, Grammar Nazi-ing and MLB Fan Cave Hating

Big headlines these past few days:  the aces have back stiffness and beat writers take bad iPhone photos.  Which is to say, this Spring Training has been pretty eventful so far.  In bad ways (the former) and good ways (the latter).

At first, I felt pretty much the same way about Lincecum’s back stiffness as I did about Vogelsong’s: absolutely panicked.  But then I read Bruce Bochy said that this is really totally normal for Spring Training and nothing to be alarmed about and I had a big old epiphany and realized there was no need to start pulling my hair out.  Besides, if I start now, I’ll have none left for Opening Day, let alone the stretch run.  I have 18 inches of hair, but even 18 inches can be taken down with a whole lot of pulling.

As for the beat writers, the controversy is honestly a wee bit baffling to me.  I don’t want to link to the site directly because as a blogger, I know how I relish page hits but you can check out another article about how whole thing here.  Mostly, the TwitPics are bad.  I get that.  We all get that.  But I also don’t get the level of outrage it’s stirring up within the legions of fans.  Why do we need fab photos of Brian Wilson’s first bullpen sessions?  Can’t our imaginations do just as good a job?

Okay, maybe not.  But then if we do get a photo and it’s terrible and blurry, “grin and bear it” comes to mind.  Anyone who uses a digital camera vs. a phone camera knows the hassle associated with getting a photo from a digital camera onto Twitter.  Reality, is Twitter is built for mobile devices.

Aside from the quality, people are also getting up and arms about the subject matter.  Apparently people get sick of feel-good-nice-little-moments photos fast.  To which I have to say, shall we comb through your Twitter feed and find the time you live-tweeted Game of Thrones?  Or the time you tweeted photos of your breakfast every day for three weeks?   Or the time you retweeted the infamous pigeon twitter account saying “coo coo coo”?  Not judging here, you’re allowed to admit your weakness for George R.R. Martin and I will not comment despite my loathing of him.  My point is just that we’ve all done something along those lines.  If a beat writer is overzealous and nostalgic about Spring Training, “grin and bear it” comes to mind once more.

Just goes to show that if Timmy talked more about his In-N-Out we would all have less time on our hands to get preoccupied about things like this and the (baseball) world would be a much better place.  You listening, Freak/Franchise/Guy With Long Hair Who May Soon Have Short Hair?

Last but not least, I feel I should share my vote on the MLB Fan Cave so you all can go vote accordingly, of course.  I’m going to have to disappoint though and so my vote goes to (drum roll, please):  no one.  I really did try to put aside that I think the Cave ranks up there with Tom Cruise on Oprah as one of the worst publicity stunts of all time and go look for someone to vote for today, but I came up short.  Why?  My mellowing out plan went sour when some overwhelming percentage of the 50 finalists said, “I am someone that.”  At which point my grammar Nazi alarm bells went off in my head because people are not “that”s they are “who”s!  What are they teaching kids in schools… ten years ago when these hipsters were in them?

I ask you.

Diamond Girl

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My Letter to Bud Selig On the Eve of Spring Training

Dear Bud Selig,

Hi!  Have you missed me and my letters of bullyin- I mean, recommendation- to you?  Wait.  Don’t answer that one.

Anyway!  I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but I feel the need to say it clearly and detailed-ly now, on the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day.  For the Giants, A’s, Reds, Cubs, Pirates, Phillies and Orioles.

Which is, actually, just my point.

Wouldn’t it be a thousand times more climactic to be able to just say, “the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day,” without all the team names at the end?  AKA, shouldn’t they all report on the same day?  Now, look.  I understand all the stuff about free will vs. predestination and letting teams do their own thing and that this is not a mandatory report date anyway, but that is all completely beside the point.  Imagine if it was like this at the beginning of the regular season, with Opening Day spread out over a whole bunch of days?  How terrible would that be?  (It would, obviously, be absolutely terrible.)

Also, on the practical side, this bad scheduling makes my brain have to work a lot harder than it likes to.  Since my iPod has a deep and unfounded hatred of me and refuses to accept it when I schedule appointments or events on the calendar app, I have to store all this info in my head.  Which means that every day, in between watching Dior fashion shows over and over, I have to do my sleuthing and find out who might possibly be reporting to Arizona today.  Waste of time with a capital “W”.

Besides which, the Giants were tweeting photos of Nate Schierholtz working out in the batting cages today.  I mean, I’m not going to go out there and say they shouldn’t let Nate take BP.  But tweeting about it?  That’s like tweeting a link to the wedding scene from Breaking Dawn, Part I the day before the movie comes out.  You can’t leak the most important details right before it happens, people!

So here’s what I propose:  something a little more, well, dramatic.  I’m talking, you sucker all the players into getting buzzy new haircuts and stuff and then they all make their grand debuts before the cameras on one, predetermined, day.

If only for the sake of my overscheduled brain.

Thanks, Bud.  You’re the best.  And while you’re at it, please scrap all the expanded playoffs weirdness.  That’s just… weird.  For lack of a better word.

Thanks again!

Diamond Girl

p.s.  If you’re feeling annoyed after finishing this letter, just imagine if I’d written you a version of Goodnight Moon, adapted to Goodnight Offseason, like I was initially planning.  And feel blessed I went with this idea instead.

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My Dreams Have Officially Been Crushed

In today’s depressing news, “@Yoenis_Cespedes” on Twitter is not really the Cuban outfielder who reportedly closed a deal with the A’s yesterday worth $36 million.  (You could buy about ten gourmet cupcakes ‘round here with that kind of money.)  Why is this depressing?  Check out one of the account’s recent tweets:

also my fans i will be honest with u on this ok i really like oakland a jerseys and shoes they are very style and miami was just ok really

I was seriously clapping my hands together in glee at reading that.  I was all, “We have someone who is actually vaguely fashion-conscious on a Bay Area sports team!”   (Barry Zito lost that title when he wore this, of course.)  Then Jane Lee, of mlb.com, went and shot down once and for all that that was really his account.  Which was good journalism and everything, but still decidedly depressing.

I do have to agree with the troll- I mean, person- running the fake account, though.  Oakland’s uniforms are a thousand times better than those Miami ones.  Especially those new weird rainbow ones that they’re rolling out with their new stadium which may or may not also be rainbow themed.  Unconfirmed on that, but I’m working on it.  If anyone every did a baseball themed fashion show, I would totally recommend the A’s as a model.  Open for loose interpretation, of course.  Loose loose interpretation.  Just because I said they’re good in the scheme of baseball uniforms doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re ready for the runways.

Anyhow!  The Giants were so kind as to inform me very cheerfully via iPhone notes app that Spring Training is now three days away.

This was the photo reminder.  Instagramed, no less.

Three days!  Staying on the topic of cupcakes, since I can make cupcakes from scratch in just under 13 minutes, I could make about 220 batches of cupcakes, which is about 2640 cupcakes, between now and Spring Training starting.  Perhaps enough to feed the Giants 25 man roster?  Or to open my own gourmet cupcake shop that sells them for a slightly more reasonable price?

That would, of course, all be contingent on my taking no breaks on the baking front for three days.  Not even to check Twitter or scroll through photos of badly dressed celebrities.  Read: unlikely.

Still, this all goes to show that Spring Training is very soon.  To make a long story short.  Which is good news indeed.

Diamond Girl

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Conditional Statements and Sun Power

The first batch of catchers and pitchers reported to sun-filled Arizona today!  Since it’s the Mariners, I figure this is probably the most sun they’ll see all season, so they should suck it up and work on those tans pronto, if you ask me.  It’s rather grey and dreary here in California, but I am basically sun-powering the whole city right now because I am soexcitedIcouldaboslutelyburst.  Like, soexcitedIcouldabsolutelyburst.

During the offseason, it’s all speculation and a mix of tremendous optimism and tremendous pessimism.  Then as we get really close to Spring Training and everything, that converts to mostly just optimism.  Because, as we all remember, baseball is fun whether or not you’re winning.  As long you’re not being beaten by a) the Padres, b) the Dodgers OR c) the Phillies, then all is completely well.  Or fill in your hated teams of choice in those spots.  Baseball is usually fun, I’ll say.  Except when the Giants are playing the Brewers or Rangers and my loyalties get all mixed up.

Can anyone say, “conditional statement” right now?!

Anyhow, the point is:  baseball is almost here.

We have almost survived the offseason.  (And if you haven’t, hello up there in heaven.  I’m glad to see they have good WiFi up there.)  Don’t ask how Tigger and Piglet apply to this situation.  They just do.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  How could I celebrate this fabulous day without some cupcakes?  If you answered, “You couldn’t!” then you are absolutely right.  Congratulations, you get a virtual cupcake as your prize.  And they’re even pink-ish for Valentine’s Day.  I am in love.  (With them.)

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