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Little Leaguers Snazzy Defense and a Freaky Friday Baseball Movie Proposal. And Another Kind of Proposal.

Did NBC just link to my blog as a “do this, not that” for proposing to Ryan Braun? Oh yes. http://offthebench.nbcsports.com/2011/04/25/brewers-fan-flashes-her-phone-number-on-national-tv-somehow-this-backfires-video/related.  I am sort of super hyper/super excited right now and I think I should be on Good Morning America as an expert  or something.  Just too bad that I had approximately 0 hours of sleep + strange hair in the photo, if that is going to be my claim to fame.

Anyhow.  My blood pressure is lowering and I’m am now recollecting that I was at a Little League game a few hours ago and my brother’s coaches always seem to pin him as a closer.  It was a save situation today that got even closer before we finally won.  The phrase, “Rays Baseball: Torture!” comes to mind.

This team does have some pretty snazzy defense, though, and they are so much easier on the eyes when it comes to that than the Giants.  Okay.  Wow.  I just got the greatest idea for a movie:  It’s like Freaky Friday except it’s 12 Little Leaguers who get transported into the bodies on MLBers and vice versa.  That would so great.  And in this case, I think the Giants would do better with these little guys playin’ for them.  That is © 2011, by the way.  If you are a Hollywood big shot (getting carried away, am I?) and you want to make this, you gotta ask me and put a Meet Hayden Christensen clause in the contract.

The song quote that is stubbornly stuck in my head today is “you can go anywhere you wish/’cause I’ll be there, wherever you are” (from Technicolor Phase) and so I’m trying to overcome my groupie tendencies and not follow the Giants to PNC Park.  Even though I’ve always wanted to go there.  Tell me this is a bad idea.  Thanks.

Aaaand that’s a wrap on my disjointed thoughts on an off day.  Sweet dreams.

Diamond Girl

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Diamonds! Piles of Gold! Armani Suits! Swiss Watches! Hawaii Vacations!

Dear Bullpen,

Look.  As much as I don’t like you, Wilson, I don’t like being under .500 even more.  I didn’t want you to blow that.  And as much as I like you, Affeldt, I like being over .500 more.  Okay, that’s not true.  I care more about people than baseball games, but right this second I am pretty darn put off by you guys.  I am of the opinion that there is no excuse for losing in extra innings at home.  You have that unique and perfect advantage of walking off and it was your responsibility to keep this in the bag.

It was too good to be true that Sanchez was at all passable after being on IVs with dehydration from the flu yesterday and the game was actually somewhat encouraging, offense-wise.  Still, you are here (::points to the ground::) and you really, really need to be here (::points to the ceiling::).  Edlefsen, Kroon, heck, Joey?  Where are you guys? 

Maybe you need a little encouragement.  Here goes.  I have some really awesome rewards for you (Diamonds!  Piles of gold!  Armani suits!  Swiss watches!  Hawaii Vacations!) and I’ll do my best infomercial imitation voice when I give ‘em to you, but there is one little catch aside from the fact that you’ll go bankrupt from the taxes, we’ll send you spam for this and four more lifetimes, the diamonds are fake and we’re flying you luggage class.  Other than that.  You have to pitch well.  You can’t walk people.  And you really can’t let the ball go from your hand to over the fence in a space of, oh, 20 seconds.  That is too big a change in too short a time for the health of anyone’s heart.

I get that you’re trying.  Really, I do.  If the incitement of the prizes doesn’t help, I can also recommend  inspirational music and shaving off the beards.  We’ve barely cracked the surface of my advice cauldron.  Giving advice is right up there with walking on the beach in a storm and eating brownies in my life.  But I’d rather if you straightened this out on your own.

We’re moving on to Pittsburg/DC/New York, all of whom are in the near/at/under .500 club.  With us.  Gulp.  A bunny (me) somewhere in the heartland is crying.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Read this gem of a news piece.  Just read it.

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Script: My Conversation with Brian Sabean

Time: The Present

Setting:  Post-apocalyptic San Francisco with red tinged sky and eerie silence, except for bats flying around.  Okay, fine.  It’s an office at AT&T Park.  I was trying just to liven things up.  Brian Sabean and Diamond Girl are sitting in the office.  Sabean is wearing a grey suit, minus jacket.  DG is wearing a sweater dress, jeggings and boots.  Her perfume is Amber by Prada and her purple eyeshadow is from MAC. 

DG:  Hello, Brian!

Sabean (looking slightly suspicious):  Hello, Diamond Girl.

DG:  You know, I’m so glad to meet you.  I’ve always been a huge fan of yours.

Sabean (Looking very suspicious):  Huh.  Funny I saw on your blog that you stopped rooting for the Giants in the World Series because you were unhappy with me.

DG:  Uh, no.  That totally didn’t happen. 

Diamond Girl subtly pulls out iPod Touch and deletes the post he is referencing.

DG:  Anyway, Sabes.

Sabean:  Brian.  Or Mr. Sabean.  Or GM Extraordinaire.   Whatever.  Just not that horrible nickname.   I can’t stan–

DG:  Okkkkaayyy.   Moving right along.  What I was trying to say is just that I think you’ve done a great job at setting up your team to repeat in 2011.

Sabean:  Who gave you this meeting?  I have better ways to spend my time than listening to fangirls tell me why my team is awesome.

DG:  I have my ways.  Of getting meetings.

The scene fades and there is a flashback of DG in a witch hat over a cauldron saying an incantation to get a meeting with Brian Sabean.  Scene flashes back.

DG:  Actually, GM Extrordinai–

Sabean:  Please.  I wasn’t being serious.  That was just an example.

DG:  Oh.  Sorry.  Okay.  Mr. Sabean.  I actually have an idea for y’all.

Sabean:   Do enlighten me.

DG:  You know how you’ve always had that sort of loser-hanger-oner-starter the past few years?

Sabean:  Like Wellemeyer or Joey.

DG:  Right.  Who do you think is going to fill that role this year?

Sabean:  We’re World Series champs, Diamond Girl.  We don’t need loser-hanger-oner-starters.

DG:  I beg to differ.  And the great part is that this interesting, talented, only slightly loser-hanger-oner-starter was just DFA’ed.

Sabean:  That’s too good to be true!

DG:  But it is true.  His name is Armando Galarraga and the Tigers DFA’ed him.  Sure, there’s a 2.5 million dollar contract there, but we got money, right?

Sabean:  Wow, Diamond Girl!  What a great idea!

Sabean turns to phone and calls Dave Dombrowski .  Within a few minutes, the deal is complete. 

Exeunt DG and Sabean.  Scene fades.

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Mini-Non-Denominational Things That Grow, Cam-Rod in Los Cabos, a Carrot for Brian Sabean and the Haunted iPod

I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I did get a Mini-Non-Denominational Thing That Grows for my desk because I am a sucker for sparkly trees.   And it sheds.  Everywhere.  All the time.  Why did nobody warn me about this occupational hazard of Mini-Non-Denominational Things That Grow?

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Anyway, the only noteworthy thing I’ve found on the baseball news front these past few days is that Alex Rodriguez is spending the holidays in Los Cabos with Cameron Diaz (can we call them Cam-Rod?).  Which is, of course, very noteworthy.  Not.   Hey, GMs, please make something interesting happen.  Diamond Girl is turning into TMZ 2.0.

TMZ 2.0.png

And Joe Martinez was designated for assignment by the Pirates.  Not good news at all.  Since Sabean is into the whole rejects and cast-offs thing, maybe he could re-sign Joey?  I’ll make him a baseball shaped carrot cake with wicked good cream cheese frosting if he does it.  Same goes for you, Doug Melvin and Jon Daniels.  Your carrot cake is waiting.

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Good luck to all braving the stores for last minute shopping today.  I braved the Apple store yesterday because my iPod Touch was moving by itself.  The geniuses at the Genius Bar said it was hypersensitive and gave me a new one.  I think it was haunted.  So far the new one is being normal, but I’m keeping my distance.  Freaky iPods are… you know, freaky.

Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noël, y’all.

Diamond Girl

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Brad Pitt as Billy Beane is like Hayden Christensen as Stephen Glass + Three Pearls of Wisdom from Moneyball

And the Winter Meetings are flyin’ by…  I am loving the fact that baseball is once again at the forefront of people’s minds although, as numerous people have noted (Mychael Urban and TR Sullivan both wrote great articles about this) there seem to be a lot of weird rumors coming this week, perhaps perpetuated by bored beat writers.  No matter.  It’s very fun for me to watch general manager after general manager interviewed because I’m a player transaction geek.  I am now stalking Jed Hoyer.

But who chose the hotel?  There are so many shots of it on the MLB Network and pictures of it everywhere.  They could at least have chosen a pretty building.  To me, the happiest place on earth would not have hideous architecture. 

I would also just like to say that I think Brad Pitt as Billy Beane is ridiculous.  Billy is more charming and better looking, to boot.

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Though I know I am obviously in the overwhelming minority of the female population when I say that.  It’s like Hayden Christensen playing Stephen Glass.  Except I like Christensen, so I don’t mind.  And Shattered Glass is an incredible movie so I can forgive it.  I’m not really sure how Moneyball will be as a movie, but I’m looking forward to it.

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The real Stephen Glass on the left, Hayden Christensen, of wood-board Anakin Skywalker fame, on the right

So this all reminded me how much I love the book Moneyball and the three pearls of wisdom I always remember from it.

“‘Why should noise have any more effect on the hitter than the pitcher?’ says Billy, a little testily. ‘If you’re playing away, you can just pretend they are cheering for you.’

Haven’t we all wondered this?  I sure have.

“‘In the last ten years guys started covering their lips with their gloves,’ snaps Billy.  ‘I’ve never known a single lip-reader in baseball.  What, has there been a rash of lip-reading I don’t know about?’

And last but not least…

“The new pitcher, Ricardo Rincon, gets two quick outs and gives up just one run on a sacrifice fly: 11-7.  With two out and runners on first and third, Art Howe [the manager], walks out yet again.  This time he calls for right hander Jeff Tam, newly arrived from AAA, to face the right-handed Mike Sweeney, who is, at the moment, leading the American League in hitting.

“‘ Why?  [says Billy] They take all this lefty-righty crap too far.  What’s wrong with leaving Rincon in?'”

Now I’m looking at the movie’s IMDB listing and seeing that someone named Sergio Garcia is playing Jorge Posada.  This is getting weirder by the second.  I need to go back to reading that Alex Rodriguez is going to get traded for Joe Martinez.

Diamond Girl

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