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Dear TV Execs,

I admit it, I didn’t watch your new show tonight, Baseball Wives.  That’s because Google told me all I needed to know about it. Yeah, I know. Google rocks.

But really, you’re a smart bunch, right? Then get us some girls who are actually dating baseball players, m’kay? Or else rename it “Woman Who Didn’t Make the Desperate Housewives of Atlanta Cut” or something and we can all leave happy.

Or better still, get a real concept and film Hideki Matsui eating breakfast pastries or Thad Levine being coerced into staying with the Rangers.  I’m mean, that’s real drama, right there!  I suspect a) a knife to his back b) a new BMW- which would crack me, too or c) guaranteed, all expenses paid vacays in Hawaii for a few months on end.   I mean, it could have been loyalty too, but that seems awfully boring/unexciting.   Let’s just suspect things instead.

Alternately, you could film Barry and The Fiancée getting their marriage license and discussing, um, hair poufing techniques for beauty pageants.  Or do a baby-name consulting show with special guests Brian and Amanda Sabean, because, come on, Declan is fantastic.

I am coming for your job, cupcakes.   You wait and see.  Although I can’t guarantee I can get a cab very fast, so the show may already be cancelled by the time I get there.  But I’ll be there soon, have no fear.

xoxo

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Speaking of that Hideki Matsui deal… am I the only one who things maybe they should have kept that story under wraps until if or when Matsui wins the batting title?  Because if he has, well, difficulties next year, that story will be torn to pieces by the yowling dogs that are baseball fans.  Seriously.

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Why I Think AJ Preller is in Mongolia and Baby Giraffe Refers to a Viral Video of a Yawning Giraffe

I decided it was time to escape from the torture and I was missing my Texans terribly, so I snuck off to the O.Co Coliseum this morning and spent the day there.

It all started off very well, blow-out style, with the A’s walking in a run in the first and I was perfectly prepared to sit back and eat french fries that, yes, tasted a bit like gasoline. Then things got a li’l tense. Make that very tense. Eventually, the Rangers untied it in top of the 9th and after an iffy bottom, I went home with a heart rate slightly elevated and a 7-6 victory. They won and the Angels lost, which is the bottom line, but couldn’t they have just done it 10-0 or something, for this long-suffering San Fran’er?

I do have to the give the Rangers credit, though. They were the sweetest away team I’ve ever seen and I got an autograph from the former Best Hair in the MLB King, CJ Wilson (he might get that crown back, because now I’ve seen the hair up close) and their adorable pitching coach, Mike Maddux, the owner of a rather impressive mustache. Josh Hamilton also gave a bat away to a kid (the word is that he does that at every game) and signed for nearly 20 minutes, which is not exactly easy with the A’s dugouts. He was totally personable and nice to everyone. Love that guy.

The Maddux ‘Stache

I was secretly sneaking glances around, trying to spot AJ Preller (Rangers Senior Director, Player Personnel and former frat brother of Jon Daniels) but I figure he was probably on the Mongolian planes or something scouting around for awesome talent, not hanging in Oakland so I didn’t spot him. Better luck next time, when the appeal of throat singing has worn off, maybe.

Anyhow, I got home and saw a lot of things about a “Baby Giraffe”. At first I thought it was a viral video of a baby giraffe yawning or something (not irrational of me, there are loads) and then I realized that it actually had to do with one Brandon Belt. He, eh, hit two home runs. I don’t need to explain what that all means. Belt has been mismanaged this year no question, I think, but what’s done is done. I want to see way more out of him like that. The Giants are still very much in contention and if Brandon can help out with that, fabulous. I, for one, or maybe one million, am very glad he’s here. And glad to have a taken a series. (Taken a series! How foreign and fantastic that feels to type.)

And I finally got to test out a line I’ve waited a long time for. When the A’s mascot walked by, I was all, “Can somebody get this walking carpet out of my way?” Just, you know, channeling my inner Princess Leia.

Diamond Girl

p.s. When Alexi Ogando walked by, I nearly fainted. And when Mike Adams walked by? My mind screamed, “Giant killer!”. But my face just smiled politely, in case you were wondering.

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(More) Diamonds! Piles of Gold! Armani Suits! Swiss Watches! Hawaii Vacations!

Read this and then continue.

Dear Offense,

Look.  I am of the opinion that slumps should be as coordinated as color blocked outfits; if Aubrey’s slumping, then Andres is tearing it up, you know?  The whole concept of the Giants is that when the people who are supposed to perform don’t, someone else steps up.  But it’s not happening.

As much as people gripe about the starting five and the bullpen, they’re basically keeping us in games.  But you, offense?  You are here (::points to the ground::) and you really, really need to be here (::points to the ceiling::).  Or at least here, in some sort of mid-point.  Conor Gillaspie, Hector Sanchez, heck, Joe Panik?  Where are you guys? 

Maybe you need a little encouragement.  Here goes.  I have some really awesome rewards for you (Diamonds!  Piles of gold!  Armani suits!  Swiss watches!  Hawaii Vacations!) and I’ll do my best infomercial imitation voice when I give ‘em to you, but there is one little catch aside from the fact that you’ll go bankrupt from the taxes, we’ll send you spam for this and four more lifetimes, the diamonds are fake and we’re flying you luggage class.  Other than that.  You have to hit well.  You can’t hit double play balls.  You can only rarely strike out.  And you really can’t get out on one pitch in, oh, 5 seconds.  Work opposing pitchers, you know?  Even if you can’t get people to score, at least put them in scoring position or something?

I get that you’re trying.  Really, I do.  If the incitement of the prizes doesn’t help, I can also recommend inspirational music and great, energy pumping foods.  We are only starting to crack the surface of my advice cauldron.  Giving advice is right up there with walking on the beach in a storm and eating brownies in my life.  But I’d rather if you straightened this out on your own.

Fact is, I’m not as worried about you as I may sound.  The only team with a division lead larger than two games is Philadelphia.  There is some all around mediocrity going on and no one is running away with divisions.  And you are, a little unbelievably, still in first place (what?  Yes, it’s true).  The definition of a slump, as I love to say, is that you get out of it.  This offense isn’t Texas or anything but it can hit better than it’s letting on and sooner or later we’ll see that.  How about… sooner rather than later?  That would be nice.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  What is it with parents of Emmanuel/Emanuel?  My brother has that name and my parents are equally anti-Manny.

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Well, We Had That Coming

So that’s how it feels to be walked off against!

I don’t know about you, but I prefer walking off ourselves.

Still, didn’t we sort of have it coming after walking off against everyone else?

The irony was, of course, that Vogelsong was starting for the Giants and Zito for Fresno on the same night.  Ryan was good, Barry was fine.  The Giants seem to be giving the “take your sweet time” message to Zito, but he’s not buying it and claims to be all ready to go.

I think the Giants just have no idea what to do with him.

Even if he came back as a reliever, they’d have to get rid of someone in a somewhat stellar bullpen.  Santiago Casilla is on the front of my mind (he, you know, let in the winning hit last night) but his ERA is at 1.80, so that’s unfair.

There’s simply isn’t room.

Not to mention that Barry is the polar opposite of a reliever.  I don’t doubt that he’d try his best, I just doubt he’d do it well.  If this were a youth play (I’ve done my fair share) they’d “split the role”.  It’s maddening, but nobody’s feelings are hurt, right?  So Zito could take four innings and then Vogey could take four and then a bullpen guy could take the ninth.  The rest of the bullpen would be all rested for the next day.  Takes teamwork to a whole new level.

In all seriousness, I am stumped.  Sometimes this team feels like a maze/wreck.

Until we play the A’s.  Then I see how good we have it.  It’s good for my soul.

Speaking of which… I keep trying to figure out why I feel like we’re going into a big series.  This is Interleague Play (read: meaningless.  Yes, I said that, Selig.) against the last place A’s.   I think it’s because a) There is really something of a Bay Area rivalry b) They’re a team I’m familiar with which always scares me because I know what to look for and c) It’s now or never for Oakland.  Not really.  It’s June.  But it’s now or not for a while.  The A’s are only six games back and I, for one, still think they have a lot in them.   Check out this little gem of an interview with Billy Beane.  They have spirit, they just need a little breath of air to get ‘em going.

And just in case you were wondering, since this is the FAQ during every Bay Bridge series?  No, the Giants do not stay in hotels.  Or fly from SFO to OAK.  But they do get meal money.  So that they can go out on the town in Oakland, I guess.  It’s a really exciting city.  I totally want to go out on the town there.

Sarcasm, people.  Sarcasm.

Diamond Girl

 

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3 + 3 = 3 Wins + Mandatory Low Point In Trailer When Main Character Cries Or Almost Cries If He Is Tough Guy Brad Pitt So He Can’t Actually Cry

I don’t drop “Baseball Gods” a whole lot.  But when people hit triples, they always feel like little gifts from Baseball Heaven.  And has anyone else noticed that they do tend to come to people who really, really need them?

Like Pat Burrell  who is rumored to be the odd man out later this year and Eli Whiteside who has, well, big shoes to fill.  And he isn’t really fillin’ them.  Then Billy Hall’s (am I coining Billy?) magical half hour with Bam Bam seems to have paid off, which comes at a nice time when Freddy pessimism is at a 2011 high.  I am all for the holistic, natural approach and have (some amount of) total confidence that the shoulder can heal on its own but it’s good to have some, ahem, backup.

Which means that this night of three basers notched MadBum his third win of the year and a 3.21 ERA.  Sometimes I have the urge to bang the heads of the offense together but then I remember that they do things like hit key triples and I go to my punching bag (laptop keyboard) instead.

We are on our way to sweeping the Diamondbacks, which is a phrase I would have been petrified to utter a few days ago.  This is good.

Zito is moving up in the world and will be starting in AAA Fresno tonight.  I guess this must be his first time pitching for the Grizzlies and I think he’ll fit in.  No snarky-ness there.  Barry and Chuckchansi Park just seem like a match made in heaven.  Still, I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel like the clock is ticking down to doomsday.

The first Moneyball movie trailer hit the web yesterday my skepticism about it is fading.

I think it looks really good, actually.  The hairdresser captured Billy Beane’s vaguely volumized hair perfectly and even if they look nothing alike otherwise (yeah, that’s a big cause of mine) they do kind of make the same expressions.

And am I the only one who thinks doing this looks incredibly fun?  Even if that is the mandatory Low Point In Trailer When Main Character Cries (Or Almost Cries If He Is Tough Guy Brad Pitt So He Can’t Actually Cry).  So I don’t think it’s supposed to look fun.  But it does.

Someone else commented that the field looks suspiciously dark in this walk scene and why doesn’t the stadium have any lights?

True.

I will be in the theater opening day, I think.  I’ve only done that for one other movie, Takers, and it was unwarranted.  That was a terrible movie (not to mention Hayden Christensen’s character was the first of the bank robbers to die, which tempted me to demand my $8 back, but that seemed petty).  I have hope, though.  I kind of think this might be my first baseball movie love.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Congratulations to former Giant/Grizzly Jesus Guzman on his call-up to San Diego!

I remember seeing him during his two weeks up at AT&T Park in 2009 and enjoying watching him play.  Wishing him much success.  I mean, some success.  Enough for him to have a happy career but the Padres to keep on their last place, sub-.500 ways.

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