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Diamonds! Piles of Gold! Armani Suits! Swiss Watches! Hawaii Vacations!

Dear Bullpen,

Look.  As much as I don’t like you, Wilson, I don’t like being under .500 even more.  I didn’t want you to blow that.  And as much as I like you, Affeldt, I like being over .500 more.  Okay, that’s not true.  I care more about people than baseball games, but right this second I am pretty darn put off by you guys.  I am of the opinion that there is no excuse for losing in extra innings at home.  You have that unique and perfect advantage of walking off and it was your responsibility to keep this in the bag.

It was too good to be true that Sanchez was at all passable after being on IVs with dehydration from the flu yesterday and the game was actually somewhat encouraging, offense-wise.  Still, you are here (::points to the ground::) and you really, really need to be here (::points to the ceiling::).  Edlefsen, Kroon, heck, Joey?  Where are you guys? 

Maybe you need a little encouragement.  Here goes.  I have some really awesome rewards for you (Diamonds!  Piles of gold!  Armani suits!  Swiss watches!  Hawaii Vacations!) and I’ll do my best infomercial imitation voice when I give ‘em to you, but there is one little catch aside from the fact that you’ll go bankrupt from the taxes, we’ll send you spam for this and four more lifetimes, the diamonds are fake and we’re flying you luggage class.  Other than that.  You have to pitch well.  You can’t walk people.  And you really can’t let the ball go from your hand to over the fence in a space of, oh, 20 seconds.  That is too big a change in too short a time for the health of anyone’s heart.

I get that you’re trying.  Really, I do.  If the incitement of the prizes doesn’t help, I can also recommend  inspirational music and shaving off the beards.  We’ve barely cracked the surface of my advice cauldron.  Giving advice is right up there with walking on the beach in a storm and eating brownies in my life.  But I’d rather if you straightened this out on your own.

We’re moving on to Pittsburg/DC/New York, all of whom are in the near/at/under .500 club.  With us.  Gulp.  A bunny (me) somewhere in the heartland is crying.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Read this gem of a news piece.  Just read it.

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5 Cooler Cars for Brian Wilson and an Over-Under on Michael Young

There are so many things I could write about today.  The fact that AJ Burnett is either delusional or his therapist told him to repeat positive affirmations to anyone and everyone.  The fact that the World Class Good Guy seems to be morphing into a World Class Bad Guy before our very eyes.  The fact that Mat Latos is on a bizarre anti-SF rampage.  And then the whole, “is Aaron Rowand mad?” thing (although no one except me seems that fascinated by that).  What I actually want to write about is the thing that made me wonder if there was indeed a minimum age to be in the Majors.  Apparently, they let pre-adolescents in.  Or at least, people with very preadolescent senses of humor.

Andrew Baggerly of the San Jose Mercury News (who, by the way, is killing all the other writers with his coverage of Spring Training) reports that Brian Wilson’s new ride is a fully decked out police cruiser.  With a loudspeaker.  On which he announces his arrival in the morning with, “I’m heeeere!”

If I gave my little brother a toy police cruiser for his birthday, yes, he might do that.  But that is no excuse for Brian.  My brother is 20-odd years younger than him.  That’s not what they mean when they say, “unlock the child within you”.  At least I hope it isn’t.

If he thinks the Obamas having a water dog is not cool, then I would like to say that driving a police cruiser is, um, not cool either.  Just saying.  Don’t want to get arrested.  Don’t want to get arrested.  Don’t want to get put in Bad Fan Prison.  But that is not cool.

So, of course, I made him a list of 5 cooler cars.  If you are slightly or very puzzled by this and the last paragraph, watch this quick episode of Life of Brian.

5.  Ferrari.  I don’t actually get the obsession with Ferrari’s and that they’re everybody’s dream car.  Except for the name.  I melt for Italian names.  (My father just alerted me that his parents had several Ferraris, which I was not previously aware of.  I know about the Emilio Pucci dresses and the Chanel boots they have passed down, but, until now, nothing about the hip cars.)

4.  Prius.  This is the cool of the future.  ::Joe Martinez yells, “The car from the Ghost Writer!”  I ignore::  Set the trends, Willy!

3.  A Chrysler.  I am being a shameless ad sucker here, but I am still into that Superbowl Chrysler ad.

2.  An old school VW bus.  You know, the kind Timmy wanted.  They may not think that’s cool down in Hollywood but it’s way cool up here.

1.  And Joe said that coolest one of all.  The car from The Ghost Writer.  I have referenced this before, here.  That beautiful car has an intelligent GPS that will lead you to the murder spot of your predecessor at work.  If that isn’t cool, what is?

There.  No one can accuse me of not giving useful advice now.  I just got you your baseball news and a list of cool cars, lumped into one.

I am calling grocery stores all over the Bay Area trying to find one that stocks mass amounts of popcorn.  This Michael Young saga may last a long time.  I still have my Team Jon shirt, but I’ve run out of popcorn.  Over or under, 40 days and 40 nights?  ‘Cause I need to know so I can stock up.

Diamond Girl

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I’ve Always Disliked Zoos…

…and human zoos?  Well.  Those are the worst.

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That is an SF Chronicle photo.  I told you it was a zoo.  Literally.  People behind bars.

I can’t personally testify though.  I had an unfortunate scheduling conflict which brought me into San Francisco, just a few miles away from the park but occupied me for most of the hours of FanFest.  I was planning to stop by and check it out for a few minutes, but as the day progressed I realized it wasn’t really a check-it-out situation.  As I listened to the radio driving in, I kept hearing, “if you are not already in line, do not come!  Repeat, do not come!”  And reading on Facebook afterwards there were a lot of people who waited for hours and didn’t get in or got in and were disappointed.  So I ate my avocado sandwich (avocado sandwiches are really good, for the record.  Really good.) on a bench and watched the parades of people and orange and black.  And later got to drive behind them on the freeway.  I might as well have been at the event.  I mean, I was there for the traffic.

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Anyway.  If any of you were there, do share, beautiful people.  I am curious to hear some firsthand accounts.

Lastly, this post is for the guy with the Best Accent in Baseball.  He also cracked my Best Dressed MLB’er list, in this outfit.

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I am still in shock about Andy Pettitte announcing his retirement.  He is one of the reasons I fell in love with the game of baseball and I will miss him- and yes, his accent- a lot.  Tipping my white beanie to him.

Diamond Girl

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If This is What 2011 is Like, I Want 2010 Back and Why I Am Okay With the World Ending in May


Everyone is probably totally over 1-1-11, by now, but I just looked at my web stats and saw that I had 111 visitors to my blog that day.  Isn’t the just one of those things that makes you smile?  It makes me smile, at least.

Anyway.  If this is what 2011 is like, I want 2010 back.  I’m sure I’ll change my mind soon, but this year has been pretty hellish so far.  One violent cold and an undisclosed number of bowls of potato leek soup later, I’m finally ready to start the new year.  In Diamond Girl Land, it is now January 1st.  And every day is National Cupcake Day there too, because I could really use a cupcake right now.  Because aside from my cold, the endless parade of slow news day are enough to make anyone need some cupcakes.  I guess a few things did happen.

The Rangers made their deals with Webb and Rhodes official. 

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And Jon Daniels said something vaguely incoherent at the press conference.

The Giants did God-only-knows-whatever-they-do-all-offseason.

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Looks like it’s boring for Sabean too.

A-Rod sported a particularly atrocious fedora in Vegas.

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And Armageddon is coming in May.  Good thing Ashton Kutcher is ready.

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Bad shades and all.

In a little bit of good news, only 41 days until catchers and pitchers report and the 2011 season comes a little closer to reality.  Even if judgment day does come in May, we’ll get a month of the new baseball season in before then.  I am no longer afraid.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  MLBlogs is doing that thing with the bolds again.  Sorry for the weirdness.

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Peace and Love and Antlers to All + My Resolutions for 2011

Peace and love and antlers to all!

I am purging 2010 (though seriously, what is there to purge?  The Giants and the Rangers played each other in the World Series) by redoing my nail polish.  Even so, I love New Year’s Eve and am pumped for 2011.  It’s going to be very good.  Armando Galarraga will do fantastically along with Eugenio Velez (he’ll do well, but the Dodgers won’t, of course) and Joe Martinez, who will be signed by the Rangers before the offseason ends.  ::Diamond Girl gives Jon Daniels a very pointed look::  The Niners may also hire me as their GM (okay, yes, that’s unlikely).  Bud Selig will decide to do important things like make the wild card wild and rename the Winter Meetings (this year from December 6th-9th) because everyone knows winter begins on December 21st.  The world will get over their Glee complex and watch baseball instead.  And the world will accept the antlers as the truth of all creation and wear them all year round.

I’m not really into New Year resolutions, but I’m going to try it this year. 

1.  I resolve to visit my grandparents in Los Angeles without fighting over whether Wilson or Broxton is a better closer. 

2.  I resolve to dissolve my life savings and go to Citi Field or Yankee Stadium. 

3.  I resolve to carry a sign to an A’s vs. Rangers game and get the object of my sign to autograph it. 

4.  I resolve to crash the 2011 GM Meetings. 

5.  I resolve to repeat my feat of walking over every inch of AT&T Park in stilettos. 

Okay.  I now have plenty to do next year.  Soon it’ll be time (It’s Time!) to settle in for a night of delayed Times Square.  Happy New Year everyone.   Hugs and cupcakes and aviator Prada sunglasses to all in the coming year.  2011’s gonna rule.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  2010 was my first year at this- blogging- and so I want to thank you all again for reading and commenting.  71 entries.  A lot of talk about Ryan Braun.  I dig the world.

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