Dear San Diego Padres,
Look. I know we’ve had our differences. I know I hated you with something of a burning passion last year- and, okay, much of this year- and I may have made one too many cracks about Jon Daniels vs. Jed Hoyer, but deep down we’re friends, right? I mean, I hope so. Because I have a teeny-tiny favor to ask of you.
You are going to be inhabiting Chase Field, the home of the much-feared Diamondbacks this evening and I, well, need you to beat them.
Pretty simple, really. Just get a few hits, throw some nice pitches and come out with the W.
The reason I’m proposing this is that it’s really good for both of us. My Giants get a chance to end today only 2 games back and you get a chance to be only, eh, 11 games back! Win-win, I know. You don’t need to tell me how smart I am.
Hey, if you want to just sweep ‘em, you could do that too! Because, just between you and me, the Giants totally rained on my parade yesterday. I was sniffing my fingers-which-smelled-like-lemons-due-to-my-making-of-lemon-bars and totally, 100% ready for a win and then they went and… lost. Sometimes my optimism is hard to keep going. Which is, of course, why I could use a little help from you.
Thankfully, the lemon bars were perfectly delicious. So my day was not entirely ruined.
So do we have a deal, Pads? What if I throw in a new name for your stadium? (Because even you must admit that Petco Park is rather lame.) I’m thinking something along the lines of Prada Park or Stadium of Marc Jacobs. You know.
p.s. Cole Hamels cannot walk the runway. In case there was ever a question about that.