And here was me thinking my conversation with GM Extraordinaire had gone well.
Oops. Note to self: be more convincing next time.
Time: The Present
Setting: Post-apocalyptic San Francisco with red tinged sky and eerie silence, except for bats flying around. Okay, fine. It’s an office at AT&T Park. I was trying just to liven things up. Brian Sabean and Diamond Girl are sitting in the office. Sabean is wearing a grey suit, minus jacket. DG is wearing a sweater dress, jeggings and boots. Her perfume is Amber by Prada and her purple eyeshadow is from MAC.
DG: Hello, Brian!
Sabean (looking slightly suspicious): Hello, Diamond Girl.
DG: You know, I’m so glad to meet you. I’ve always been a huge fan of yours.
Sabean (Looking very suspicious): Huh. Funny I saw on your blog that you stopped rooting for the Giants in the World Series because you were unhappy with me.
DG: Uh, no. That totally didn’t happen.
Diamond Girl subtly pulls out iPod Touch and deletes the post he is referencing.
DG: Anyway, Sabes.
Sabean: Brian. Or Mr. Sabean. Or GM Extraordinaire. Whatever. Just not that horrible nickname. I can’t stan–
DG: Okkkkaayyy. Moving right along. What I was trying to say is just that I think you’ve done a great job at setting up your team to repeat in 2011.
Sabean: Who gave you this meeting? I have better ways to spend my time than listening to fangirls tell me why my team is awesome.
DG: I have my ways. Of getting meetings.
The scene fades and there is a flashback of DG in a witch hat over a cauldron saying an incantation to get a meeting with Brian Sabean. Scene flashes back.
DG: Actually, GM Extrordinai–
Sabean: Please. I wasn’t being serious. That was just an example.
DG: Oh. Sorry. Okay. Mr. Sabean. I actually have an idea for y’all.
Sabean: Do enlighten me.
DG: You know how you’ve always had that sort of loser-hanger-oner-starter the past few years?
Sabean: Like Wellemeyer or Joey.
DG: Right. Who do you think is going to fill that role this year?
Sabean: We’re World Series champs, Diamond Girl. We don’t need loser-hanger-oner-starters.
DG: I beg to differ. And the great part is that this interesting, talented, only slightly loser-hanger-oner-starter was just DFA’ed.
Sabean: That’s too good to be true!
DG: But it is true. His name is Armando Galarraga and the Tigers DFA’ed him. Sure, there’s a 2.5 million dollar contract there, but we got money, right?
Sabean: Wow, Diamond Girl! What a great idea!
Sabean turns to phone and calls Dave Dombrowski . Within a few minutes, the deal is complete.
Exeunt DG and Sabean. Scene fades.
This just in: the Giants are going to have their own reality show next season. Reality show. Diamond Girl is mildly disgusted but also mildly intrigued. I do have a few questions:
Who’s going to rock the Snooki hair-do? Barry? Or Timmy, since he’s half-way there already?
Is it going to have an alliterative name like, “Geeping up with the Giant-ashians”? Or they could name it the Real Ballplayers of San Francisco (as opposed to, you know, the fake ballplayers. And the fake housewives, for that matter). Will there be the quintessential meltdowns there always are on contest shows? If so, my money is on J-Sanch as the perfect candidate. Will there be fights between the neat freaks who want the clubhouse clean and the guys who couldn’t care less? Will the cameras be let into closed door meetings with Brian Sabean? Because that may be the only thing that will incite me to watch.
J-Sanch next season…?
I’m going to have to get on YouTube or Hulu and watch some Hard Knocks to get a sense of what this is all about. Somehow I don’t know if the “poof” would fit underneath a football helmet, so I doubt they included that mandatory aspect of reality TV.
p.s. Rangers? If you’re out there reading this, I respectfully suggest that you extend JD’s contract. Pronto. I think it’s a very important thing y’all need should deal with sooner rather than later. But that’s just me.
Everyone is probably totally over 1-1-11, by now, but I just looked at my web stats and saw that I had 111 visitors to my blog that day. Isn’t the just one of those things that makes you smile? It makes me smile, at least.
Anyway. If this is what 2011 is like, I want 2010 back. I’m sure I’ll change my mind soon, but this year has been pretty hellish so far. One violent cold and an undisclosed number of bowls of potato leek soup later, I’m finally ready to start the new year. In Diamond Girl Land, it is now January 1st. And every day is National Cupcake Day there too, because I could really use a cupcake right now. Because aside from my cold, the endless parade of slow news day are enough to make anyone need some cupcakes. I guess a few things did happen.
The Rangers made their deals with Webb and Rhodes official.
And Jon Daniels said something vaguely incoherent at the press conference.
The Giants did God-only-knows-whatever-they-do-all-offseason.
Looks like it’s boring for Sabean too.
A-Rod sported a particularly atrocious fedora in Vegas.
Bad shades and all.
In a little bit of good news, only 41 days until catchers and pitchers report and the 2011 season comes a little closer to reality. Even if judgment day does come in May, we’ll get a month of the new baseball season in before then. I am no longer afraid.
p.s. MLBlogs is doing that thing with the bolds again. Sorry for the weirdness.
They should have just re-named the This Year in Baseball Awards the Giants Rule the Universe Awards, for 2010. Seriously, we stole the show. I agreed with most the selections, although I think Madison and Cain are overlooked way too much. In my mind, one of them should have been Postseason MVP (or, you know, that guy named Cody Ross who hits homeruns obsessively?) instead of Timmy. Not to say Lincecum didn’t do well- even very, very well- but in my mind he wouldn’t be the postseason MVP.
Cain and MadBum seem happy enough, though.
And then I sort of think looking at the 2010 payrolls (from US Weekly’s website) tells its own story: one of the teams in the World Series had the ninth highest payroll, one had the 27th. Sabean was brilliant about handling his team, no doubt, but I think Daniels should have been Executive of the Year.
What really annoyed me about the Gibby’s, though, was how the hosts of the presentation show, Harold Reynolds and Greg Amsinger, announced a winner and then explained who they thought should have won and showed a highlight reel for that person. Then they talked briefly about the actual winner. Can you imagine if Barbra Streisand had announced Kathryn Bigelow as Best Director and then explained why James Cameron should have won and shown clips of Avatar? Not cool, MLB. Not cool at all.
p.s. Utterly off-topic, but The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is the best Narnia movie yet. King Caspian lost the Spanish-ish accent (and upgraded from his title of Prince) and it’s absolutely beautiful and very funny. It’s slightly overdone at points, but if you need some offseason distraction, Diamond Girl says check it out.
And the Teenage Girl with Ichiro Being the “Ultimate Teenage Girl” should have won Fan Moment of the Year. Ichiro ran into her trying to catch a ball and she is decked out in tons of Mariners gear. Bo the Bailer has a lame nickname and no girlfriend. Obvious winner much?