Tag Archives: emannuel burriss

(More) Diamonds! Piles of Gold! Armani Suits! Swiss Watches! Hawaii Vacations!

Read this and then continue.

Dear Offense,

Look.  I am of the opinion that slumps should be as coordinated as color blocked outfits; if Aubrey’s slumping, then Andres is tearing it up, you know?  The whole concept of the Giants is that when the people who are supposed to perform don’t, someone else steps up.  But it’s not happening.

As much as people gripe about the starting five and the bullpen, they’re basically keeping us in games.  But you, offense?  You are here (::points to the ground::) and you really, really need to be here (::points to the ceiling::).  Or at least here, in some sort of mid-point.  Conor Gillaspie, Hector Sanchez, heck, Joe Panik?  Where are you guys? 

Maybe you need a little encouragement.  Here goes.  I have some really awesome rewards for you (Diamonds!  Piles of gold!  Armani suits!  Swiss watches!  Hawaii Vacations!) and I’ll do my best infomercial imitation voice when I give ‘em to you, but there is one little catch aside from the fact that you’ll go bankrupt from the taxes, we’ll send you spam for this and four more lifetimes, the diamonds are fake and we’re flying you luggage class.  Other than that.  You have to hit well.  You can’t hit double play balls.  You can only rarely strike out.  And you really can’t get out on one pitch in, oh, 5 seconds.  Work opposing pitchers, you know?  Even if you can’t get people to score, at least put them in scoring position or something?

I get that you’re trying.  Really, I do.  If the incitement of the prizes doesn’t help, I can also recommend inspirational music and great, energy pumping foods.  We are only starting to crack the surface of my advice cauldron.  Giving advice is right up there with walking on the beach in a storm and eating brownies in my life.  But I’d rather if you straightened this out on your own.

Fact is, I’m not as worried about you as I may sound.  The only team with a division lead larger than two games is Philadelphia.  There is some all around mediocrity going on and no one is running away with divisions.  And you are, a little unbelievably, still in first place (what?  Yes, it’s true).  The definition of a slump, as I love to say, is that you get out of it.  This offense isn’t Texas or anything but it can hit better than it’s letting on and sooner or later we’ll see that.  How about… sooner rather than later?  That would be nice.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  What is it with parents of Emmanuel/Emanuel?  My brother has that name and my parents are equally anti-Manny.

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