Tag Archives: chris rose

Barry Zito Needs a Hug and 9 Other Reasons He Might Be Struggling

Zito is not really pitching that well.  Understatement of the Modern Era.  I’ve talked about this before, so I’m just going to cut to the chase:  I have some theories.  Without further ado, please welcome the theories.  ::cue clapping and a few whoops::

 

1.  He needs a hug.  A real, I-believe-in-you, you-can-do-this, hug.

 

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2.  He needs a time-out.  Not like a skipped start, like a time-out, like they give to pre-schoolers.

 

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3.  Powder went missing.  Perhaps was made into a unicorn-burger by a rich San Francisco guy.  Not Barry Zito.  A different rich San Francisco guy.

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Incidentally… do you think Powder and Barry go to the same hair stylist? 

4.  The Brian Wilson attitude rubbed off on him and he thinks it’s dramatic and fun to mix things up and be a first half pitcher, instead, this year.

 

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6.  He figured some record book, some time, might put him in if he never has an ERA under 4.00 while on the Giants.  It’s true, some record book might.  Like the SF Diamond Girl Record Book.  But I can’t think of any other ones.

 

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7.  He misses Bengie.  I do, too.

 

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8.  John Mayer quit Twitter and so Barry got depressed.  Despite the fact that he official quit Twitter a while time ago, he still might be on it.  Secretly.  ::cue conspiracy music::

 

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9.  Chris Rose, Evil Spirit, has it in for him and sticks pins in his voodoo doll before every start.  I want to see this voodoo doll.  I wonder if it really looks like him.  Capturing his complex spirit in a tiny doll might be, you know, complex?  For lack of a better word.

 

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10.  He thinks the idea of being an 126 million dollar cheerleader (that term was coined by Henry Schulman) is interesting.  I do, too.  If someone wants to give me the job instead, feel free to.  Do cheerleaders get special names, like rapper names?  ‘Cause if so, I want to be Psychic Seagull.


cheerleaders.jpg 

 

Diamond Girl

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Zito-Gollum + Meditation Day at the Ballpark + My Suggested Ballpark Menu

I didn’t think they were going to clinch last night and sadly, I was right.  I think the men in orange and black have trouble with expectations.  They were expected to win last night, so they lost, of course.  I also think last night’s game was influenced by the FOX people.  They may not have been in town yet, but you know, the evil spirit of Chris Rose may be far-reaching.  The crew also might have had voodoo dolls of Matt Cain, or something.  This is, of course perfectly planned for them. 

 

You know what else is perfect?  The comparison of Zito to Gollum.  Greatest article I’ve ever read… http://www.csnbayarea.com/10/02/10/SNC-Daily-Rundown-10-2-10/landing.html?blockID=323239&feedID=6900.  It’s by Brad Weimer of Comcast Sportsnet and I keep reading it over.  Perfect observations.  LOTR and SF Giants fans unite.

 

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The yard is loud, these days, by all accounts.  Which is why I think this is just the time for me to pitch my new promotional day idea:  Meditation Day.  This might not catch on for other MLB teams, but I think it would work really well here in San Francisco.  It would be a game where cheering is strictly prohibited and talking too, for the most part.  There would be no PA and little or no scoreboard stuff, so that there would be minimal distraction from the subject at hand.  It would offer the opportunity to center oneself and remember what baseball games are really about: the game.  Pumped crowds are fun for the first few innings, but not so much fun after God-knows-how-many beers in the late innings and in the parking lot afterwards.  I think a meditative crowd at an important game would be fascinating to see.  Some would argue that the team would have trouble playing without the vocal support of the crowd, but I think the silent, mental support would be very powerful.  Security would escort you out if you start cheering.  What do y’all think?

 

The other thing I want to talk about is, you know, food.  At the game.  These next few games may get pretty tense and if we get into the playoffs, that will for sure be tense.  And what do we all do when games get tense?  We buy more french fries.  Not me, actually.  I’ve sworn off all ballpark food, except a warm hot dog when I can’t feel my toes anymore.  But I could lose my life savings if I bought all my food there and it’s also not, you know, tremendously healthy.  So here’s what I usually bring to a game:

 

-Sandwich

-Broccoli (cooked and drained)

-Celery

-Grapes

-Brownies

-Water

 

You can say that I should just let go and eat whatever’s there, but if you’ve never munched piece after piece of celery at a ballgame, you seriously need to go do it.  It rules.  Never mind if you feel like a donkey.

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Okay.  I’m going to go patronize the satan-worshipers.  FOX it is, today.  Clincher?  Maybe.  Torture?  For sure.

 

Honestly, I think it could be the clincher.  As I tweeted earlier, “A day may come when Zito will fail at his goal… but it is not this day!  The words of Aragorn transcend time and universes.”

Diamond Girl

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