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The Tale of the Sleeping Offense

Welcome to Offense Castle!

Please come through the hedge quietly and one by one.  I’ll be giving you a tour and telling you the legend behind this castle, but you must promise to talk only in whispers and not venture near The Tower.  We wouldn’t want to wake the Offense up.

Why is the Offense sleeping, you ask? 

It all started when Buster Posey, the King of the Offense went to get a haircut at a place called MagicCuts (the name was a rather bad sign) in San Francisco.  Little did he know that MagicCuts is actually run by an evil witch who is a Dodger fan, originally from Santa Monica.  As she saw Buster outside of the shop, signing autographs and taking pictures she grew very jealous, so as he got his haircut, she conveniently put a spindle in front of him and out of curiosity, he reached out and pricked his finger on it.  The effect was obvious instantly.  He could tell he’d been put under a charm.  So he bravely brandished a baseball bat he happened to be carrying around and said, “What spell have you put on me, Evil Witch?”

The Evil Witch cackled as Evil Witches are wont to do and said, “You and the whole Giants offense will sleep for 100 magic years (in real years, that’s until the All-Star Break) and nothing- and I mean nothing ­- will make the spell go away before it’s time.”  Buster closed his eyes and he could see the whole offense being led on this very path we are now on, through the hedge, to different parts of the castle.  Pablo, to the kitchen and DeRosa to the infirmary and Huff to the parlor.  And he could see himself, being led to the Great Tower in the middle and when he went in, he saw the door being locked securely behind him.

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” Buster cried.

“No.”

Buster went home and called Bruce Bochy and told him what had happened.

“Don’t worry, Buster.”  Bochy said.  And he put on his silver knight helmet and valiantly went out to break the curse and wake the offense up.

***

Yes, that is a parable. (Did anyone think the restaurant scene in The Social Network when they read that, or am I the only geek who’s seen that movie four times and knows every line?)  To say that there is hope for even the deepest sleepers to be awoken.  I am a case in point of that every morning.  New York is the perfect city for a wake-up call (you know, the loudest garbage trucks in the world at 6:00am) and there are some great flights from Fresno to JFK this afternoon. You know what that means.

Diamond Girl

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The Bullpen Drank Too Many Espressos and The Dodgers Will No Longer Be Paying People Six Figures to Channel Positive Energy

Let’s be real: winning this series in Colorado is better than anyone had expected, me included.  10-2 hurts, but finishing the roadtrip 4-2 makes it a little better.  Today’s game was also somewhat overshadowed by Sandoval’s injury, the moment when we thought Buster was injured and, of course, Brandon Belt’s birthday present.  He’s heading to Chuck E. Cheese Park (am I the only one who calls it that?  For those of you who don’t know, it’s actually called Chuckchansi Park.).  I’m surprised and not entirely thrilled.  I guess that experiment is over?  But that begs the question, why did that experiment happen at all?

And the Dodgers news.  Selig wised up and intervened in a situation that has really spun out of control.  I mean, I was all for the mystical healer/scientist and the positive energy thing.  You think they would pay me six figures to do that?  I bet I would make a great guru, even if I’m not much of a scientist and I am way closer than Russia.

 

But I think it’s time for the McCourts to find a nice hole to crawl into and hang out with rabbits in waistcoats.  Or something.  I wish them all the best, but there are only 30 clubs in Major League Baseball and there are a lot of people who could make the Dodgers- who aren’t a small market team, or anything- succeed to some extent.  It just isn’t fair to the city of Los Angeles and their Uggs and their beachballs and their hopefully fake tans.  Time for some Selig magic.  Why have I spent so much of this season being nice to the Dodgers?  I am too softhearted for my own fandom good.

Back to the Giants.  Though they only scored two runs today, the first inning run struck again.  I love first inning runs/leads before we even take the mound almost as much as I hate blown saves so that made me happy.  Cain didn’t have a whole lot today and the bullpen was, ahem, shaky.  Tired.  Like they either missed their morning coffee or drank too many espressos.  Can’t decide which.

 

I am actually feeling awfully confident now, which is weird after such a blowout loss.  The Braves are under .500 plus the boys in orange and black are coming back to drizzly San Fran so I think all will be right in the world.  As I said, I am huge into positive energy. 

Now if you’ll excuse me… there are Little League games to be attended and my silver and gold bangles are hitting the computer every time I type so if I don’t stop writing soon there may be irrevocable damage.  Ruined laptops are just the price you pay to look good, right?

Diamond Girl

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The Guy Who Is Going to Bring World Peace, Find a Cure to Cancer Plus Valiantly Defend Center and Right Field All While Cranking Balls Into the Stands a Couple Times a Night is Back

So.   Let’s see.  Last night.  People hit the ball.  People pitched the ball.  It was a no-hitter and then it wasn’t.  Ball went to the third deck.  People were surprised.  People’s jaws dropped.  You know.  Nothing abnormal.

Okay.  Just kidding.   It was abnormal.  When I saw the box score, my jaw dropped too.  Eight runs.  Feels nice. 

It was sort of interesting and strange, though, to listen to SportsPhone 680 after the game because there were so many Schierholtz fans.  And I’ve noticed that even when he hasn’t just taken a ball to somewhere in the middle of Kansas.  Though the scouts are moving in the post-Moneyball era of not judging players by their “look”, I think fans are still solidly pre-Moneyball and Nate is a player to stand behind.  People like him.  Even so, there seems to be the expectation that he won’t get play time because Ross the Boss (tiny snicker.  Sorry.) has landed in the Mile High city as I write and he’s going to bring world peace and find a cure to cancer, plus valiantly defend center and right field, all while cranking balls into the stands a couple times a night.  Pretty amazing.  If true.  I think we should settle in with a fleece blanket and figure out how to spell Nate’s last name because he and Cody will be sharin’ right field.  I hope so, at least.  He’s a player I can stand behind, too.

So’s Belt.  And since I’ve seen the movie Bright Star too many times, the quote, “The point of diving in a lake is not immediately to swim to the shore” keeps coming to mind.  You made this decision that he was ready at the beginning of this year, which may or may not have been smart, but don’t give up on this quite yet.  I think they’ll give him a little while more and then at some point in the end of the first half he’ll spend his 20+ days in AAA.  I don’t think he should go down now and I don’t think he will.

And Timmy was… Timmy.  For lack of a better way to describe it.  I’m totally torn about the short pants, though.  Fashion-wise, they’re better but image-wise, I can’t bring myself to love them.  Lincecum has long pants and in my mind, always will.  Decide for yourself whether that has more to do with my mind or him.

 

tim lincecum.jpg

Diamond Girl

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It’s Complicated.

it's complicated.png

Not to worry, that’s not my relationship with the Giants.  We are solidly together.  That’s their relationship with themselves.  Doesn’t this seem like an eerie-reverse-repeat of last year?  In early-season 2010 it was, Play the people we should play (overpaid veterans) or play the people who are actually hot right now?  The difference now is that the people we should play are the misfit World Series Champions and the fans are on their side. 

It’s not an ultimatum.  Every night the lineup can be different.  But I think it’s time to adjust to the fact that it’s a new year, with new potential heroes and leave behind this Cody Ross thing.  I mean, he batted .269 last year which is exactly the same as Miguel Tejada.  So why is Tejada greeted with skepticism and Ross hailed as the savior of the offense?  I understand that Ross was a playoff hero and I have nothing against him, but I could honestly see a scenario in a few weeks where Nate Schierholtz is a more productive bat from right field than Cody.  Just like Wilson coming back doesn’t save the team, neither will Ross.  Basically, when Rowand is hot he can play and when he isn’t he can sit.  We’re used to that.

 2011 is shaping up to be another year of switching and scrapping and figuring it out.  And there might be some pretty different faces than last year.  There’s no such thing as a “repeat” season.  If we make it back to the top, it won’t be because we did the same thing as last year.

And I really hope that they put Belt in right.  In the long run for the organization, he makes most sense there and it’s time to start getting him used to his future home.  Nate is probably most useful as a trading pawn and Ross and Belt can share right field.  (Speaking of which… right field has always struck me as more random than left.  The phrase should be “out of right field”, really.)

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Why is the background for Aubrey Huff’s MLBlog Dodgers themed?  There should be a million question marks on that.

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UPDATE: Aaaaand it’s fixed!

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April 1st in Diamond Girl World and The Need For Some Brandon Belt Clones

I’m not going to try and prank you.  It’s too late in the day, for that.  Everyone is on guard by now.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t pranked anyone today.  Read on.

My morning routine is basically to stumble out of my bed (TMI?  Yes.), read my news on my iPod and then tell anyone who is awake and will listen what’s going on in baseball.  So this morning this is how it went:

Diamond Girl:  Oh my god, did you hear?  They traded Timmy.

The Brother is not buying it at all.

The Sister:  What?

DG (sounding panicked):  They traded Lincecum!

The Sister:  They can’t.  He’s the Franchise.

At this point The Mother comes running out of the kitchen. 

 Mother:  WHAT?

DG (on the verge of tears):  He and Sabean got in this huge fight last night and the Cards have been bugging the Giants about a starting pitcher, because they lose Wainwright, so last night Sabean was like, Take Timmy. 

The Mother and The Sister run to their respective computers to read the news.

DG (yells after them):  April Fool!

What happens after this needs not be related.  Let’s just say all hell broke loose.  They’re both big Timmy people.

It worked perfectly.  Last year, it was the whole “we’re moving to New Jersey!” thing on Facebook.  That one went way too far.  And then two perfectly executed prank calls.  It’s quality, not quantity.

And about tonight’s game?  I didn’t get to listen to most of it, but I hear it got ugly.  We can still go 160-2, right?  Or clone Brandon Belt because he is way beyond great and I love him?  Or just get a good, morale boosting defense coach?  That’s a kind of good idea, actually.  I have a few candidates for that job.  Like, you know, me.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Don’t be paranoid, Giants fans. She takes the midnight train at Dodger stadium every night.  They’re not playing Don’t Stop Believin’ to mock us.

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