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5 Things You Probably Don’t Have to Worry About Right this Minute

Hello, people!  It’s been a while, apparently.  April basically slipped away from me, but it’s a new month now and I’m back(ish).  So yeah, I spent the better part of last month doing important things like eating M&Ms and looking at pictures of cats with sunglasses and also writing a book, which wasn’t as important, but I did do that.  Before that, I was actually trying to write a book that revolved partially around baseball but all the characters were turning out eerily like Buster Posey, so I sort of put that on hold for the time being.

Anyhow, baseball.  5 Things You Probably Don’t Have to Worry About Right this Minute.

5.  Tim Lincecum.  I think I’ve actually heard a few people say Happy Lincecum Day lately, which might point to the direction he seems to be heading.  He’s not back in form, necessarily, but he’s getting there.

4.  Matt Cain… who is decidedly not in form, but give it a little while you silly impatient people.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that.

3.  Jeremy Affeldt who’s coming back from the DL soon hopefully back in old Jeremy Affeldt form and hopefully with a large staff of minions to make sure that he doesn’t do anything other than walk on and off the field.  Affeldt obviously once taught humans how to use fire and getting injured all the time is the baseball gods answer to the Greek gods making Prometheus get his liver eaten out daily.  Not entirely sure which punishment is worse.

2. Bruce Bochy’s Temper.  Things got a little heated a lot of times in Arizona these past few days between Bochy and the umpires but I mean, wouldn’t you act that way if you had to hang out in Arizona for an extended period of time (more than, oh, half an hour)?

1.  Actually anything to do with the Giants?  After a claw-eyes-out-worthy rough patch there they finished April with a record of 15-12 and seem to be playing like they won’t make us cry all season, so stop worrying and start like enjoying life.

One thing worth worrying about might be that Brandon Belt has only ever been to two concerts in his life, both by the same band.  People who give out free things to celebrities, you might want to get on that.  (The Stones are coming to town!  Or, you know, Joshua Radin, if that’s more his thing.)

Diamond Girl

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On Grapeseed Oil and Olive Garden

So, look.  I’ve never been Olive Garden.  I’m maybe just a little bit (a little bit?) snobby about food, although I don’t eat samples at the little gourmet stands in the grocery store anymore because of a sort of unfortunate incident with this lady who explained why grapeseed oil is so much better than olive oil so I was like, okay, I’ll taste it.  And it came in this strange little ramekin with grapeseed oil and bread and… a piece of paper.  I just ignored the piece of paper, but apparently that’ s not how it’s done?

I learned this the hard way.

Anyway, the point of this is just to say that I understand the wrong end of food snobbery.  I’ve experienced it.  Been scarred by it, even.  So while all the San Franciscans went crazy when the baby giraffe guy said his favorite restaurant is Olive Garden I sort of thought, eh, whatever.

Since then, my feelings have changed.

Brandon Belt and Olive Garden

Olive Garden sounds magical and I am not being sarcastic when I say that.  I’m kinda sorta extremely tempted to go there because I’m picturing unicorns – maybe it’s Zeets’ favorite restaurant too! – and enchanted forests and food that will make your dreams come true and things like that.

Or maybe I read too much terrible teen fiction?

Happy home opener, everyone!

Diamond Girl

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Who Are These People and What Have They Done With the Giants? – Answered!

So the thing about aliens is that they are generally very friendly, if you give them a chance, and they will stare at you with oversized eyes and glowing blue faces which is all very sweet.  But they also like to, well, snatch humans.  And replace them with aliens.  It’s weird, really, seeing humans have never snatched aliens and replaced them with humans but hey, I do not pretend to understand the thought process of aliens [Hollywood].

My point?  The aliens took pity on us and by us, I mean Giants fans.  They saw the team’s sufferings and the fact that we were going to break all sorts of horrible records with the whole nothittinghomersever thing.  So they turned in their oversized eyes and glowing blue faces for spikes and unis and stole away the San Francisco Giants.  And started hitting homers very promptly.  Lots and lots.  Eight in the last four games.  Three in a row for Brandon Belt.  Homers to deep-part-of-the-park-where-no-one-hits-them-but-now-fake-Melky-did.  I say fake Melky because, as you will remember, he’s actually a blue alien pretending to be Melky.

Yeah.

It was a little disturbing to me at first and kind of made me afraid for the zombie apocalypse (because all sorts of sci-fi characters kind of meld together in my head – zombies?  Aliens?  Same thing!) and I missed the real Brandon Belt, the one who is a Baby Giraffe and doesn’t hit homers, but then I adjusted.  Fast.  Because I like home runs.  We all like home runs.  And aliens are friendly, if you’re nice to them.  So there’s really no problem.  I can live with this.

I do wonder, though, if they’ve also replaced the pitchers…?  Because if so, I’m looking forward to seeing Alien Timmy tonight.  That should be fun.

Diamond Girl

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Why the Astros Helped the Giants Break the Drought (Don’t Worry, It Was Subconscious)

I bought new sunglasses at the always fantastic H&M yesterday.  I called them my Victoria Beckham shades, but after last night’s game, I think they might actually be rose-colored.

These may look black to you, but trust me, they will make you see the world (and especially Giants) in a whole new, home-run-hitting light.  But!  In case you are considering coming to steal them from me after my tirade about their awesomeness, know that I am highly trained in the fine art of… origami.  Not a good idea.

Madison Bumgarner rocked pretty much everything, including hitting his first Major League home run to tie up the game in the third inning.  It was the Giants first long ball at home since Gregor Blanco did the feat – yep, homers are a feat ‘round here – on May 14th.  Not to be one-upped, Brandon Belt hit another one later in the night and along with Madison’s 12 strikeouts over nearly eight innings, they led San Francisco to a 6-3 win over Houston, who might be AL or NL at this point.  I’m not entirely clear on that.  (Just. Kidding. People. With. No. Sense. Of. Humor.)

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, that right there was the longest at-home homer drought since the Astros in 1990.  History just happened here, guys.  (Also, yes.  Astros.  Who we’re playing.  I bet they have an innate remembrance of that, even though none of the players are the same, so they subconsciously felt badly for the Giants and allowed those home runs.  This makes so much sense now.)

According to Dave Flemming, I tweet too much like a valley girl.  Victoria Beckham sunglassed valley girl, I might add.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Melky is back!  Melky is back!  Melky is back!

Why the Astros Helped the Giants Break the Drought (Don’t Worry, It Was Subconscious)

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Luckily, I Was Listening to Enya When I Read the Roster News, Plus PREDICTIONS.

So I chose a kind of a weird time to go on vacation.  While some of the biggest decisions in recent Giants-fan memory were coming out, I was walking to and from the pool and kinda-sorta trying for a tan.  (No luck there.)   When I finally started catching up, I started looping my Enya and went to Twitter.  It’s probably a good thing I had the über-calming music going because, well, my jaw pretty much dropped at the initial 25 man news.  And just as I was picking it up off the floor, I read the Chris Stewart news.  I am still attempting to connect jaw to rest of head and it’s not working terribly well.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, for lack of a better way of putting it.  I did not see any of this coming, but I am happy with it, all around.  The Giants are looking pretty young and energized going into Opening Day and what else can you really ask for?  (Other than pre-steroid scandal Ryan Braun starting in left, but hey, you can’t have it all.)

I’m sad to see Chris Stewart go, because I was rather partial to him, but I am also always glad to see guys go the Yankees.  It feels like sending them to a family member’s house, rather than to a complete stranger, to use a slightly strange analogy.  That is my inner New Yorker speaking, don’t mind it.  So in many ways, I’m actually happy for Stewart and wish him safe travels with the Yankees.

Here is my happy waving GIF, because if you don’t laugh, you might cry.  Not that I cry about baseball trades.  Usually.  Let’s not talk Bengie Molina and I’ll be fine.  Don’t get between me and my catchers, people.  People being Brian Sabean.

And now!  I’m a couple hours late this year, but I’m going to do some predictions now.  I like to do them before the season kicks off, but just bear with me.  It’s not like the first few innings of a game give me any edge on the rest of you who predicted a few days ago, so!

 National League

East:  Philadelphia Phillies

Central:  St. Louis Cardinals

West:  San Francisco Giants

Wildcards:  Colorado Rockies, Cincinnati Reds

American League

East:  New York Yankees

Central:  Detroit Tigers

West:  Texas Rangers

Wildcards:   Tampa Bay Rays, Cleveland Indians

See?  No need to worry that I have an edge, prediction-wise.  I am so terrible with ‘em that the timing makes zero difference.  But now I have put them out there and can cringe over them for the next six months or so and it just wouldn’t be baseball season without that.  Have you all made predictions?  Put them (or a link to them) in the comments so we can commiserate/I can get completely jealous of your brilliance.  ‘K?  ‘K.

Happy Pappy Opening Day!

Ever-So-Slightly-Tanned Diamond Girl

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