Rest assured, society, I do not have a back tattoo of a scary looking cardinal (although I do have nightmares about them) and Dodger fans, I will not confirm or deny the whole voodoo thing.  I mean, wasn’t your team the one that paid a guru a million and one dollars to give you good vibes via webcam from Russia?  Let’s just say we’re even now.

Diamond Girl

At first, I felt pretty much the same way about Lincecum’s back stiffness as I did about Vogelsong’s: absolutely panicked.  But then I read Bruce Bochy said that this is really totally normal for Spring Training and nothing to be alarmed about and I had a big old epiphany and realized there was no need to start pulling my hair out.  Besides, if I start now, I’ll have none left for Opening Day, let alone the stretch run.  I have 18 inches of hair, but even 18 inches can be taken down with a whole lot of pulling.

As for the beat writers, the controversy is honestly a wee bit baffling to me.  I don’t want to link to the site directly because as a blogger, I know how I relish page hits but you can check out another article about how whole thing here.  Mostly, the TwitPics are bad.  I get that.  We all get that.  But I also don’t get the level of outrage it’s stirring up within the legions of fans.  Why do we need fab photos of Brian Wilson’s first bullpen sessions?  Can’t our imaginations do just as good a job?

Okay, maybe not.  But then if we do get a photo and it’s terrible and blurry, “grin and bear it” comes to mind.  Anyone who uses a digital camera vs. a phone camera knows the hassle associated with getting a photo from a digital camera onto Twitter.  Reality, is Twitter is built for mobile devices.

Aside from the quality, people are also getting up and arms about the subject matter.  Apparently people get sick of feel-good-nice-little-moments photos fast.  To which I have to say, shall we comb through your Twitter feed and find the time you live-tweeted Game of Thrones?  Or the time you tweeted photos of your breakfast every day for three weeks?   Or the time you retweeted the infamous pigeon twitter account saying “coo coo coo”?  Not judging here, you’re allowed to admit your weakness for George R.R. Martin and I will not comment despite my loathing of him.  My point is just that we’ve all done something along those lines.  If a beat writer is overzealous and nostalgic about Spring Training, “grin and bear it” comes to mind once more.

Just goes to show that if Timmy talked more about his In-N-Out we would all have less time on our hands to get preoccupied about things like this and the (baseball) world would be a much better place.  You listening, Freak/Franchise/Guy With Long Hair Who May Soon Have Short Hair?

Last but not least, I feel I should share my vote on the MLB Fan Cave so you all can go vote accordingly, of course.  I’m going to have to disappoint though and so my vote goes to (drum roll, please):  no one.  I really did try to put aside that I think the Cave ranks up there with Tom Cruise on Oprah as one of the worst publicity stunts of all time and go look for someone to vote for today, but I came up short.  Why?  My mellowing out plan went sour when some overwhelming percentage of the 50 finalists said, “I am someone that.”  At which point my grammar Nazi alarm bells went off in my head because people are not “that”s they are “who”s!  What are they teaching kids in schools… ten years ago when these hipsters were in them?

I ask you.

Diamond Girl

(Yes, I know flies to honey is a different cliché entirely.  But this little cartoon was just too good to pass up.  Bear with me.)

Okay.  Maybe that’s unfair.  One of them fell in an only slightly fly-like way.  But that is still reason for a bit of mass hysteria, if you ask me.  I mean, after last year, us Giants fans have a right to be paranoid about injuries.  If you have puzzled googly eyes because you are not as glued to Twitter as I am (understandable), then I will share the sensational news: Ryan Vogelsong announced today that he is out for 10 days with back stiffness.  AKA, he may never be able to use his back again.  Let’s just say my state of smiliness went up in a poof of blue smoke.

Because, sure, I am still massively excited about Spring Training and catchers and pitchers getting fab new tans and Buster Posey being Buster Posey and all of that, but injuries are just a massive buzzkill, aren’t they?

I know back stiffness is, on the scale of Baseball Injuries (That Do Not Exist In the Real World), not really that serious.  They can come back to haunt players later in the season, of course, but it’s not- gasp- the arm or anything like that.  And if Vogey is anything like Lincecum (think: All Star Game), maybe he’s just nervous and trying to avoid the spotlight of the beginning of Spring Training.  I told you that injuries breed paranoia.  I am entitled to a few conspiracy theories here.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check that my back door is locked and look at a few more blurry photos of Barry’s new windup which is going to potentially bring World Peas and a cure to cancer!  Plus maybe good pitching.  Do you all understand the magnitude of this?

Diamond Girl

Dear Bud Selig,

Hi!  Have you missed me and my letters of bullyin- I mean, recommendation- to you?  Wait.  Don’t answer that one.

Anyway!  I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but I feel the need to say it clearly and detailed-ly now, on the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day.  For the Giants, A’s, Reds, Cubs, Pirates, Phillies and Orioles.

Which is, actually, just my point.

Wouldn’t it be a thousand times more climactic to be able to just say, “the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day,” without all the team names at the end?  AKA, shouldn’t they all report on the same day?  Now, look.  I understand all the stuff about free will vs. predestination and letting teams do their own thing and that this is not a mandatory report date anyway, but that is all completely beside the point.  Imagine if it was like this at the beginning of the regular season, with Opening Day spread out over a whole bunch of days?  How terrible would that be?  (It would, obviously, be absolutely terrible.)

Also, on the practical side, this bad scheduling makes my brain have to work a lot harder than it likes to.  Since my iPod has a deep and unfounded hatred of me and refuses to accept it when I schedule appointments or events on the calendar app, I have to store all this info in my head.  Which means that every day, in between watching Dior fashion shows over and over, I have to do my sleuthing and find out who might possibly be reporting to Arizona today.  Waste of time with a capital “W”.

Besides which, the Giants were tweeting photos of Nate Schierholtz working out in the batting cages today.  I mean, I’m not going to go out there and say they shouldn’t let Nate take BP.  But tweeting about it?  That’s like tweeting a link to the wedding scene from Breaking Dawn, Part I the day before the movie comes out.  You can’t leak the most important details right before it happens, people!

So here’s what I propose:  something a little more, well, dramatic.  I’m talking, you sucker all the players into getting buzzy new haircuts and stuff and then they all make their grand debuts before the cameras on one, predetermined, day.

If only for the sake of my overscheduled brain.

Thanks, Bud.  You’re the best.  And while you’re at it, please scrap all the expanded playoffs weirdness.  That’s just… weird.  For lack of a better word.

Thanks again!

Diamond Girl

p.s.  If you’re feeling annoyed after finishing this letter, just imagine if I’d written you a version of Goodnight Moon, adapted to Goodnight Offseason, like I was initially planning.  And feel blessed I went with this idea instead.

also my fans i will be honest with u on this ok i really like oakland a jerseys and shoes they are very style and miami was just ok really

I was seriously clapping my hands together in glee at reading that.  I was all, “We have someone who is actually vaguely fashion-conscious on a Bay Area sports team!”   (Barry Zito lost that title when he wore this, of course.)  Then Jane Lee, of mlb.com, went and shot down once and for all that that was really his account.  Which was good journalism and everything, but still decidedly depressing.

I do have to agree with the troll- I mean, person- running the fake account, though.  Oakland’s uniforms are a thousand times better than those Miami ones.  Especially those new weird rainbow ones that they’re rolling out with their new stadium which may or may not also be rainbow themed.  Unconfirmed on that, but I’m working on it.  If anyone every did a baseball themed fashion show, I would totally recommend the A’s as a model.  Open for loose interpretation, of course.  Loose loose interpretation.  Just because I said they’re good in the scheme of baseball uniforms doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re ready for the runways.

Anyhow!  The Giants were so kind as to inform me very cheerfully via iPhone notes app that Spring Training is now three days away.

This was the photo reminder.  Instagramed, no less.

Three days!  Staying on the topic of cupcakes, since I can make cupcakes from scratch in just under 13 minutes, I could make about 220 batches of cupcakes, which is about 2640 cupcakes, between now and Spring Training starting.  Perhaps enough to feed the Giants 25 man roster?  Or to open my own gourmet cupcake shop that sells them for a slightly more reasonable price?

That would, of course, all be contingent on my taking no breaks on the baking front for three days.  Not even to check Twitter or scroll through photos of badly dressed celebrities.  Read: unlikely.

Still, this all goes to show that Spring Training is very soon.  To make a long story short.  Which is good news indeed.

Diamond Girl

That’s right.  Diamond Girl is going all ump on you.  I will soon be decided the futures of Little League games and arguing with Little League dads who are probably some of the most fearsome people you will meet in your life.  I went to my first ump training session yesterday and am pretty much scared out of my mind.  But excited.  And scared.

See, when I think about it in the sense of If I were to blow a call and crush a kid, who then decided that, because of said blown call, he doesn’t want to play baseball anymore and he hates the game for the rest of his life, when he was really destined to become the next Derek Jeter… I get more than “pretty much” scared out of my mind.  So I am trying not to think about it that way.  Instead, I’m thinking about it as, What could possibly be worse than butchering kid’s names in the announcer’s booth?  Then I feel much better.

One confusion did arise when, in one of the ump training PowerPoint slides, they said, “Dress to impress!”  I started thinking of all sorts of interesting ways I could make the ump uniform most interesting and fun when I suddenly realized they meant black pants and a black t-shirt.  Huh.  This is going to be interesting.

Wish me luck, my friends.  I may need it.

Diamond Girl

During the offseason, it’s all speculation and a mix of tremendous optimism and tremendous pessimism.  Then as we get really close to Spring Training and everything, that converts to mostly just optimism.  Because, as we all remember, baseball is fun whether or not you’re winning.  As long you’re not being beaten by a) the Padres, b) the Dodgers OR c) the Phillies, then all is completely well.  Or fill in your hated teams of choice in those spots.  Baseball is usually fun, I’ll say.  Except when the Giants are playing the Brewers or Rangers and my loyalties get all mixed up.

Can anyone say, “conditional statement” right now?!

Anyhow, the point is:  baseball is almost here.

We have almost survived the offseason.  (And if you haven’t, hello up there in heaven.  I’m glad to see they have good WiFi up there.)  Don’t ask how Tigger and Piglet apply to this situation.  They just do.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  How could I celebrate this fabulous day without some cupcakes?  If you answered, “You couldn’t!” then you are absolutely right.  Congratulations, you get a virtual cupcake as your prize.  And they’re even pink-ish for Valentine’s Day.  I am in love.  (With them.)

So what about a scent that smells like All Things Baseball?  Whatever that means to you in particular.  We’re not all garlic fries people.  And anyone can tell you that the bleachers smell completely different than a second tier box.

So!  I now present to you a Diamond Girl original, “Create Your Own Baseball Fragrance”!  Just select a option for each question and keep track on your fingers or a spare piece of paper.  Prepare to be wowed at the end.  Now you’re ready to go.

1.  What is your favorite ballpark food?

a)  A hot dog and some fries are a classic and perfect choice.

b)  The catered sushi is the best!

c)  Can’t beat a Philly cheese steak, now can you?

d)   I whet my appetite with a soda, add a hot dog with a fun blend of condiments, one serving of fries and then top it off with a few sticks of cotton candy.

2.  What is your favorite place to sit in the stadium?

a)  As long as I can see a ballgame, anywhere is fine.

b)  The suite.  Duh.

c)  The heat of the bleachers is the best!

d)  Near the concessions stands, of course.

3.  Who is your favorite player in the Major Leagues?

a)  Buster Posy of course!  I saw him in Single A Fresno and have been following him ever since.

b)  No one is classier than A-Rod himself.

c)  If he can trash-talk, I dig him.

d)  The Kung Fu Panda is loveable and a blast to watch.

4.  What is your favorite between-innings scoreboard feature?

a)  The updates about the Minor Leagues are always interesting.

b)  When the camera shows moi and the light catches my new highlights.

c)  When the camera shows me and my buddies in our chest-paint!

d)  The features about the stadium food are a lot of fun and totally make me hungry

5.  What is your favorite color?

a)  The green of freshly mowed grass.

b)  Black and white.  Very Chanel.

c)  Team colors, yo!

d)  If it looks edible, it’s good.

If you got mostly A’s, your scent is… Simply Green, by Buster Posey.  Presented by a quintessential good American ballplayer, this scent is for the fans who dig baseball games of all levels, everything from Little League to the sparkly Major Leagues.  The scent combines the fresh smell of grass with notes of that distinctive freshly ironed clothes smell.  This retro perfume will you take you back to the joys of small-town America.

If you got mostly B’s, your scent is… Bâşèbãll, by Alex Rodriguez.  You ooze sophistication and love all things chic and tailored about the game of baseball.  This scent smells like clear summer days, water and the citrus notes of icy lemonade.  Perfectly suited for everything from your suite at the ballgame to a gathering later in the evening, this perfume is endorsed by one of baseball’s best socialites.

If you got mostly C’s, your scent is… Move, by Jonathan Papelbon.  Made for the people who have an equal love of both playing and watching baseball, this scent captures the essence of the heat  and movement of sports, with a unique blend of sweat and tension that will amp you up for a hot day, whether you’re on the field or in your seat.

If you got mostly D’s, your scent is… Crimson and Gold, by Pablo Sandoval.  The Kung Fu Panda is rather partial to ketchup and mustard, so he’s the perfect guy to endorse this ballpark-food-themed scent aimed at the bleacher-sitting, seed-chewing fan.  Featuring yummy whiffs of hot dogs, garlic fries and cotton candy, this is sure to leave your friends hungry for more.

If you got a mix of all of them… Congratulations, you may be a well-adjusted and semi-normal human being!  Proceed to the mall and buy a real perfume.  xoxo.

Diamond Girl

I fell absolutely in love with their ad last year, featuring Eminem and Beautiful and I was very, very excited to see what they would follow it up with this year.  Not excited enough to actually watch the game, mind you, but excited enough to check it out on YouTube and then promptly watch it, oh, twenty times a row.  I think I’m still more partial to last year’s- just because it coined the whole “Imported From Detroit” slogan and really kicked off their new look- but I think this year’s was very well done, too.  Can’t beat Clint Eastwood, right?

I do have this strange urge, though, when he says, “It’s halftime,” to yell out, “No!”  Because I know it’s a metaphor and all that but, er, Clint?  Chrysler ad people?  It ain’t halftime no more.  Excuse my double negative, but I feel pretty strongly about this.

It’s baseball season.

Sure, we’re still a couple weeks away from Catchers and Pitchers Report to Work on Their Tans Day but as soon as the guys in tight plastic outfits stop bashing into each other and the pointy brown ball gets put away (okay, I admit it, I don’t get football) our lovely sport of baseball gets center stage for a good long while.  I’m talking until Game 7 in November.  This time is all ours.

And I am (almost) as giddily excited as I always am for the Winter Meetings.  Which is to say my priorities are quite probably twisted.  No matter.  The point is, I’m excited and nothing, not even extremely long math problems that actually expect me to use my non-existent reducing skills, can kill that mood.

Plus, I had fresh éclairs for dessert last night.  So of course I’m in a good mood.  It may not even have anything to do with baseball.  Although I suspect it does.

Diamond Girl

The past few days have been busy ones on the baseball scene and particularly for us Giants fans.  News!  At last!  This is all rather exciting, so let’s get into it, shall we?

First, let’s talk Media Day, which was Friday.  We found out some important things like that Timmy might cut his hair, Pablo might have gained or lost weight or something but everybody’s glasses are broken and nobody’s really clear and Bruce Bochy has taken back #15, now that Beltran is safely parked anywhere but here in San Francisco.  (Otherwise known as St. Louis.  Yeah.)   Conspiracy theories abounded, which prompted me to remind people with wagging tongues that Bochy doesn’t control free agent signings and I highly doubt Brian Sabean cares what number Boch wears, but that ruins all the fun of theorizing, so then I just shut up about it and all the intricacies of front offices.  As I said, important stuff.  Angel Pagan is the new heartthrob of the moment it seems and Buster Posey is completely lovable as usual.

Forget what I said, actually.  Nothing all that groundbreaking at all.

Today, of course, was Fan Fest.  ::shivers::  I was tossing around the idea of going, after the fabulous Town Hall stream last night- more on that in a moment- but then I woke up and had French toast and enjoyed lying in bed far too much and really, why would I drag myself out to be trampled by masses of well-meaning but slightly crazed Giants fans?

If you answered, “you wouldn’t,” then you are absolutely right.  I stayed home.

Speaking of that Town Hall!  It was a really good time, actually.  More concise than usual (says Miss We Need More Extensive Interviews) and they really kept everything moving, which was good.  Kruk and Kuip were in fantastic, awkward form and ugly hoodies and badly fitting jeans abounded on the players.  Pretty much what you’d expect from that sort of event.  But seeing as it’s been months and months since a real, live, actual Major League Baseball games, I was inclined to absolutely adore every moment of it.  And live tweet it, of course.  Sorry, Twitter followers.  I know the revelations on Dan Runzler’s hair may or may not have entertained you.

I also loved the open season on Affeldt.  He takes it like a champ (World Series 2010 champ, yo) and has solidified his position as my Favorite Giant, which changes extremely often but who knows, he might hold it for a while.  His performance last night earned him it, for sure.

Huggles, y’all.  The season is getting close.  I can smell it.  It doesn’t smell like cinnamon and cranberries and pumpkin like the playoffs, unfortunately, but it does smell like fresh flowers and sunshine.  Which is good.  Very, very good.

Diamond Girl