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Karma and Manic Panic and Wookiees

I distinctly remember writing a blog post called 10 Possible Reasons People Walk Off Against the Giants So Much last June.  It’s May 9th and karma is proving that it exists and if you haven’t been to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco, go right now.  There’s lots of fabulous stuff about karma in addition to which it’s a completely lovely museum and they have a glass elevator and stuff.  So, seriously.  Go.

Back to the point: an uncomfortable number of people walked off against the Giants last June or thereabouts.   (I’m trusting my blog on this one.  I have the memory of goldfish and can’t distinctly remember much of anything about last June.  But still.)  So now here it is, May 2013 and the Giants have turned that on its head and walked off about a million times so far this season.  5, to be exact.

Not bad, eh?

There’s a lot of panic – not the neon hairdye manic kind, get your mind out of the hipster gutter – about the starting pitching because it hasn’t been that good at all.  But I mean, while there’s Hunter Pence and hopefully more of his kind on whatever alien planet he came from who are just waiting for the right alignment of the stars to come down to earth and help us, things should be okay.

Speaking of more Hunter Pences, was I the only person who was dead convinced that Chewbecca was the only/last of his kind until all the wookiees appeared… at some point in the series?  (Er, can’t say I remember when that is, exactly.)  Anyway, I like to think Hunter Pence is the same way.  We’re all resigned to the fact he’s the only one and then in the nick of time a whole bunch of them descend.

Pictures5

Well, that’s probably enough for now.  If I missed some important news, apologies, but there are like thousands of little baseball sites here on the internet so we’ll probably all survive.

Diamond Girl

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5 Things You Probably Don’t Have to Worry About Right this Minute

Hello, people!  It’s been a while, apparently.  April basically slipped away from me, but it’s a new month now and I’m back(ish).  So yeah, I spent the better part of last month doing important things like eating M&Ms and looking at pictures of cats with sunglasses and also writing a book, which wasn’t as important, but I did do that.  Before that, I was actually trying to write a book that revolved partially around baseball but all the characters were turning out eerily like Buster Posey, so I sort of put that on hold for the time being.

Anyhow, baseball.  5 Things You Probably Don’t Have to Worry About Right this Minute.

5.  Tim Lincecum.  I think I’ve actually heard a few people say Happy Lincecum Day lately, which might point to the direction he seems to be heading.  He’s not back in form, necessarily, but he’s getting there.

4.  Matt Cain… who is decidedly not in form, but give it a little while you silly impatient people.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that.

3.  Jeremy Affeldt who’s coming back from the DL soon hopefully back in old Jeremy Affeldt form and hopefully with a large staff of minions to make sure that he doesn’t do anything other than walk on and off the field.  Affeldt obviously once taught humans how to use fire and getting injured all the time is the baseball gods answer to the Greek gods making Prometheus get his liver eaten out daily.  Not entirely sure which punishment is worse.

2. Bruce Bochy’s Temper.  Things got a little heated a lot of times in Arizona these past few days between Bochy and the umpires but I mean, wouldn’t you act that way if you had to hang out in Arizona for an extended period of time (more than, oh, half an hour)?

1.  Actually anything to do with the Giants?  After a claw-eyes-out-worthy rough patch there they finished April with a record of 15-12 and seem to be playing like they won’t make us cry all season, so stop worrying and start like enjoying life.

One thing worth worrying about might be that Brandon Belt has only ever been to two concerts in his life, both by the same band.  People who give out free things to celebrities, you might want to get on that.  (The Stones are coming to town!  Or, you know, Joshua Radin, if that’s more his thing.)

Diamond Girl

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The Completely True and Previously Untold Story of Matt Kemp

Matt Kemp doesn’t like people to know this, but he was a total hippie, man.  He was actually there during the Summer of Love in 1967.  Pictures or it didn’t happen?

Matt Kemp Summer of Love

It happened.

He even starred in a cool psychedelic poster a couple years later after they, uh, invented color photography.

Make Love Not War

Probably the only hippie ever to wear a bowtie.  He also wasn’t exactly a longhair, but don’t judge a book by its cover.

Anyhows, after the 60s were over he wised up and George Lucas helped him into this carbon-freeze technology that he was testing Star Wars, so Matt’s youth was preserved for his great comeback to humanity as a baseball player and boyfriend to pop stars everywhere in 2003.

There you have it.  The completely true and previously untold story of Matt Kemp.

Diamond Girl

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The Rockies Series and Things

San Francisco woke up this morning (it is not a city that never sleeps, see) and decided to have the most picture perfect weather imaginable, so it couldn’t have been a more glorious day for the final game of the first Giants-Rockies series of the season.  From the box scores of this one, it looked like it was played at Coors Field, but it was right here in the Bay.  The Giants swept the Rockies, pulling through a rough Lincecum start yesterday and hitting up a storm behind a very good Zito start today to win 10-0.

Speaking of Zito… er, what happened?  Zito’s story with the Giants has truly been a bizarre one up to this point, but right now, there are few people the orange and black fans love more than him.  His tale of redemption is not a classic one, but it’s been ridiculously fun to follow all the same.

When the fall comes – and it’s bound to, if only for a short time – I just hope we all use our brains and give him the benefit of the doubt.  He’s earned it.

Also, I credit all of this to the golden calf tattoo, even though I’m pretty sure he got that this offseason after the whole #RallyZito hullabaloo.  It was preemptively helping him, you know?

The series didn’t feel like the second week in April, it had the feeling of summer, and the way so many players on the team kicked into gear during it was exciting to watch.  As I said before, I hate the whole talk of “slow starts” because, seriously, it just started.  But it has started now and everyone seems to be waking up.  A very good series, overall.

Okay.  Done with summer now.  Where’s that fog?

Diamond Girl

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Potential Last Post Ever, Plus Why I Wouldn’t Let Bruce Bochy Design My Bath Rug

I know I’m in the minority here, but I feel I need to say it: I think World Series rings are ugly.  The whole idea is perfectly nice and I understand the symbolic importance and the ceremony was lovely… but the actual rings are pretty much the tackiest kind of jewelry Snooki and Sears could have dreamed up.  It’ s like what they sell at Claire’s, except the target demographic is not pre-teen girls who like earrings with watermelons (WATERMELONS, peope) on them and they’re, um, covered in diamonds.  So presumably they have a slightly higher retail value.  Still, terribly ugly, if you ask me.

Let me put it this way: I would not let Bruce Bochy go near the design ideas for my bath rug, as much adoration as I have for him.  He helped design the rings.  Go figure.

Anyhow, I’ll stop sticking my foot in my mouth now.  The game was on the ugly side, too.  I think the Cardinals were probably pretty sick and tired of all the ceremonies and they channeled it into their baseball-ing.  They shelled Cain for nine runs in the fourth inning and ended up winning 14-3.  In a bright moment, Angel Pagan did hit a booming triple but he was left stranded, which kind of took away from the boomingness.

I’ve heard talks about a few people’s slow starts, but I think it’s really still too early to call them slow starts.  Like, slow first five seconds would maybe be more appropriate?

I was sitting outside in my garden today and suddenly looked up to see a cat sitting about ten feet away and staring straight at me, completely still.  I assume this means I’m destined for an imminent and terrible death, so if I don’t blog again, hugs and kisses, you guys were great.

Diamond Girl

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