Category Archives: Dailies

The Tale of the Sleeping Offense

Welcome to Offense Castle!

Please come through the hedge quietly and one by one.  I’ll be giving you a tour and telling you the legend behind this castle, but you must promise to talk only in whispers and not venture near The Tower.  We wouldn’t want to wake the Offense up.

Why is the Offense sleeping, you ask? 

It all started when Buster Posey, the King of the Offense went to get a haircut at a place called MagicCuts (the name was a rather bad sign) in San Francisco.  Little did he know that MagicCuts is actually run by an evil witch who is a Dodger fan, originally from Santa Monica.  As she saw Buster outside of the shop, signing autographs and taking pictures she grew very jealous, so as he got his haircut, she conveniently put a spindle in front of him and out of curiosity, he reached out and pricked his finger on it.  The effect was obvious instantly.  He could tell he’d been put under a charm.  So he bravely brandished a baseball bat he happened to be carrying around and said, “What spell have you put on me, Evil Witch?”

The Evil Witch cackled as Evil Witches are wont to do and said, “You and the whole Giants offense will sleep for 100 magic years (in real years, that’s until the All-Star Break) and nothing- and I mean nothing ­- will make the spell go away before it’s time.”  Buster closed his eyes and he could see the whole offense being led on this very path we are now on, through the hedge, to different parts of the castle.  Pablo, to the kitchen and DeRosa to the infirmary and Huff to the parlor.  And he could see himself, being led to the Great Tower in the middle and when he went in, he saw the door being locked securely behind him.

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” Buster cried.

“No.”

Buster went home and called Bruce Bochy and told him what had happened.

“Don’t worry, Buster.”  Bochy said.  And he put on his silver knight helmet and valiantly went out to break the curse and wake the offense up.

***

Yes, that is a parable. (Did anyone think the restaurant scene in The Social Network when they read that, or am I the only geek who’s seen that movie four times and knows every line?)  To say that there is hope for even the deepest sleepers to be awoken.  I am a case in point of that every morning.  New York is the perfect city for a wake-up call (you know, the loudest garbage trucks in the world at 6:00am) and there are some great flights from Fresno to JFK this afternoon. You know what that means.

Diamond Girl

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I Am Starting To Forget How It Feels For the Giants To Be At Home And Other Assorted Depressingness

At nine o’clock this morning I was totally perky with my Madden Girl pumps, a new Banana Republic salmon colored mini and cheerleader ponytail to go be a cheerleader at a student music recital.  At three o’clock this afternoon I was still being a cheerleader, this time sitting in Little League bleachers, totally wilted, unable to think from pollen allergies, with winter boots more suited for a Transylvanian winter than a Bay Area May 1st and hair that was limp as spaghetti.

Which is all to say I only heard about five minutes of today’s game and it was in the third when the Nats tied it up.  Which is not to say that I am a bad luck charm.  Just that it was depressing.  And it seems a lot of other things were depressing about this game.  Aubrey is under .200 (what?  Yes, he is.)  Darren Ford got caught stealing for the second day in a row and the Giants scored a dismal two runs on seven hits with a sore luck losing Matt Cain.  Ugh.  That is all.

Yesterday’s game was one that triggered a brilliant, Giants Baseball: WEIRD! on Twitter (@Mikayla_Trimble) and left me scratching my head.  I don’t even know where to begin with that one.  All I’ll say is that win or lose this team is desperately off and Sabean and Bochy have to be putting their heads (I wouldn’t want my head near Bochy’s.  It’d look really… small.) together and plotting a makeover.  And I’m not talking the kind that includes a fresh t-shirt and hip bangs.  I mean things like figure out how to get Ishi on this team or maybe how to get Whiteside in there a little more often and maybe a pass for a nice little two week vacation to the Seychelles Islands for Aubrey to celebrate his new batting average.  Seriously.  I just think he needs a few days on the bench.  If you’re that adverse to the idea of a few days at the beach.  And it’s beyond unfortunate about Travis.  Gurus, help me out.  I know he’s out of options and off the 40 man, but does that really (or effectively) mean that he can’t rejoin the Major League team for the rest of the season?

Meanwhile the Rangers are in Oakland.  And having some miscommunications through the press.  Again.  What is their problem?

 

They also hit homeruns like there was no tomorrow yesterday and now that it is tomorrow they hit none.

It was a bad day in baseball but the good(ish) news is that the Giants are tied for second place and the Rangers are in first, if only by half a game.  Tomorrow will be better, right? 

And I am so over the roadtrip.  I am starting to forget how it feels for the Giants to be at home.  Not like I miss it.  I just can’t quite remember it.  It’s like when homesickeness turns into that dull ache.  This is getting more depressing by the second.  Have a delicious dinner and we’ll talk again tomorrow.

Diamond Girl

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Could This Be Good?

I don’t think so.  But since I am a (sort of) eternal optimist and everywhere else on the internet you can read people who are dying over the news of Pablo Sandoval’s injury, I’m going to look at this from a different angle:

Could this be good? 

Sandoval’s been a really strong link in the line-up- and on the defense- so far, so obviously it’s far from ideal but… who knows?  Maybe Rohlinger coming up and Burriss and Fontenot getting more play time and moving Tejada around and perhaps bringing Belt up will provide just the shake-up that the offense needs?

I hope.

Crossing my fingers.

And about yesterday.  Have they forgotten, don’t they know?  I’ll say it very loud and slow.  They used to hit!  They’d and hit and then proceed to hit some more!  Great Scott! Gadzooks!  One half their lives was hitting balls! (Yes, I was watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night.)  But really.  There is no excuse for the endless 0’fers and I find myself murdering my tastebuds with these intensely spicy olives every time we lose like that.  Not okay.  If only for my tastebuds.  Here’s to a homerun fest today.

Crossing my fingers again.

 

 

Diamond Girl

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Read It With Me: D-O-A-B-L-E

May I just say that while I am remarkably bad at bowling, I am wicked good at air hockey?  My defense can be shakey, but my offense is something to behold.  Still, I think I am a lost cause at bowling.  The only reason I go once in a blue moon is so that I can do a dramatic “strrriiiikkkeee” when someone (not me, obviously) gets a strike.

So today’s game was a practice run for the royal wedding I guess (Which I: Am. Not. Watching.) because otherwise starting at 9:35am is inexplicable and warrants a phone call to Bud himself.  I hate baseball games in the morning.  Yes, I know that it was 12:35 in Pittsburgh.  Maybe this is payback from the East Coasters for making them stay up so late.  This is a theory I’m going to have to contemplate.

Anyway.  Vogelsong surprised me with a strong outing and I was really happy for him, even if I would have preferred to see our wacky lefty.  The offense looked like me at that time of day.  Functional, but not exactly raring to go. 

What really struck me today, though, is how little we know this team.  No one has fallen into their spot, exactly, yet.  That’s partially because of the injuries and partly just because it’s early.  And somehow I think Giants fans- or maybe just me- are still riding the adrenaline of last November because there was never exactly closure.  Do you know what I mean?  It’s slightly surreal and it feels like all this year has been about last year, though the ceremonies have ended.  I think we’re subconsciously grappling with the idea of a new season, nearly a month in.  What part will Vogelsong play?  Can Aaron Rowand survive months and months and stay warm, if not hot?  Was Torres really a fluke?  Was Tejada a bust?  DeRosa?  How will last year’s late pick-ups fare?  We really know very little.

But we’re getting there.  The team is back at .500 and we’ve had strong replacements for all the injured players.  We’re cutting through the roadtrip and the Nationals are at 10-12 and have lost two in a row (now where’s Bryce Harper?!).  This is:

 

And I don’t know a whole lot (read: nothing) about football, but from what I’m reading the Niners would have been smart to take me on as their GM.

Diamond Girl

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Jon Miller Imitations, Zito In NC and The Ironic Name For a Stadium That Is Never Overstocked

So I missed the greater part of yesterday’s game because the rain-delay-when-there-was-no-rain-and-they-were-watering-the-field made it cross into a lecture in Berkeley by Dave Batstone, the founder of the Not for Sale Campaign that I went to.  (Remember the whole “Give me your money and I’ll give you chocolate.  This is not spam.” thing?  Yeah.  He’s related to that.)  It was a fantastic speech and he showed a commercial with Jeremy Affeldt for the organization from a few years ago and he looked so, so young.  He also did a Jon Miller imitation but didn’t sound a whole lot like Jon Miller, but hey, he’s hard to imitate.  So I got to listen to stuff about social justice for an hour without going through too severe baseball withdrawal.  It was at a theology school, though, and I kind of got the sense I was the only one laughing at the baseball jokes.  Huh.  He also told me afterwards that Matt Cain may be joining the organization.  Of course.  He is such a Good Guy.  With caps.

When I got home, I got a very enthusiastic (and slightly headache inducing) blow-by-blow of the end of the game from which I deduced that a) it went into extras b) Cain was in line to be a hard luck loser until c) Dar-run Ford ran.  Correct me if any of those facts are wrong.  I hate how many extra inning games we’ve had to play this year, but a win is a win and that’s the bottom line.

The weird news pieces of today are that Barry Zito is in North Carolina seeing a specialist about his foot and Roy Oswalt has taken an indefinite leave from the Phillies.  The Oswalt news has gotten less weird as more came out that he’s taking the leave to check up on his family in a tornado-stricken area.  Thoughts and prayers are with them all.  But the Zito news has just gotten weirder.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure NC is a lovely place (only 5% sarcasm there) but aren’t there plenty of foot specialists on this side of the Mississippi?  I have a few conspiracy theories about this.

And then the fact that we’re stuck with the Overstock.com Coliseum for six years to come?  I don’t even know what to say.  It’s a mouthful, for one.  And how can I tactfully say that the Coliseum isn’t really ever “overstocked”?  Though maybe the new deal would include WiFi.  It is so time for that.

Diamond Girl

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