Actually, these don’t just apply to professional athletes. They sorta apply to everyone. But with all the trouble athletes have been getting into these past few months, I thought I’d throw out of a few pro tips.
5. Even if a team offers you a unique concept deal (is that like a concept album, JD?), do everyone a favor and be polite about declining it. I’m not getting over this one any time soon, Josh Hamilton. But have fun in Anaheim. I hear it’s a great city. Hahahaha.
4. Don’t go to the airport drunk and without ID. But should you happen to fall into that situation, instagraming some inspiration quotes should get you out of the public’s doghouse pretty fast. Okay, Sergio Romo? Okay.
3. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Especially promises like, I’ll be ready for Opening Day after my second Tommy John surgery. There’s no shame in recovery. But there is some shame in your words being a whole lot bigger than what you can actually do. Hiya, Brian Wilson.
2. Don’t dope and then lie about it. Important: if you’re going to do it, though, try not to, oh, alienate absolutely everyone else in the sport. Having allies is a good thing, Lance.
1. Don’t have an imaginary dead girlfriend. This is a big one. However, if you go against my advice, give the Associated Press the name of a real city when asked where she was (not) buried. Carson City, California sounds like Wonderland, though. I wish I could go there.