Monthly Archives: January 2013

Let’s Talk About What Mystery Grab Bags Generally Entail

Those of you who know me know that my favorite days of the year are as follows:

10.  The day the coffee is brewed when I wake up.

9.  Whatever arbitrary day it is that wearing all winter clothing and lots of scarves and snowkflake earrings becomes socially acceptable.

8.  The start of the various fashion weeks.  Especially Paris, before Dior went and hired a furniture designer as their head.  Still bitter.

7.  Opening Day is pretty rad.

6.  The day I get around to cleaning my mirror and realize my skin is not that bad.

5.  The day of the silly but still awesome Oscars.

4.  The day someone says something ridiculous and perfect at the Winter Meetings.

3.  The day Starbucks brings out their seasonal drinks.

2.  The day the bakery near my house starts making pumpkin rolls.

1.  All of these days are awesome.  But none of them match my unadulterated joy on that the Giants release their promotions and giveaways schedule for the coming season.  This day is better than the day pumpkineggnogpeppermint creations hit a café near you, so it’s pretty damn good.

Some gems this year are the fedora promotion from a couple years ago on steroids: a plaid fedora.  Plaid fedora.  Yes, I mean a plaid fedora.

Moving right along, they’re giving away magnet schedules which I don’t remember them doing recently, but I do know the Grizzlies did in 2010.  I used the magnet as a coaster and it was seriously the greatest giveaway on earth.  Oddly but definitely useful.  I only replaced it a few weeks ago with this wood-carving one which is nice, but not nearly as good at telling me who the Grizzlies are playing on May 15th, 2010.

There are the World Champions Umbrella and the World Series Parade Snow Globe, both of with kind of intrigue me, but neither of which are nearly as great as them Cubbies giving away lip balm last season.  (It was probably Theo’s idea.)

Lastly, of course, there’s the very first giveaway: the mystery grab bag.  I don’t really know what mystery grab bags generally entail, but if these ones don’t include a golden calf temporary tattoo à la Barry Zito, I’m throwing in the towel and becoming a Pirates fan.

Diamond Girl

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Top 5 Ways to Be a Well-Liked Professional Athlete

Actually, these don’t just apply to professional athletes.  They sorta apply to everyone.  But with all the trouble athletes have been getting into these past few months, I thought I’d throw out of a few pro tips.

5.  Even if a team offers you a unique concept deal (is that like a concept album, JD?), do everyone a favor and be polite about declining it.  I’m not getting over this one any time soon, Josh Hamilton.  But have fun in Anaheim.  I hear it’s a great city.  Hahahaha.

4.  Don’t go to the airport drunk and without ID.  But should you happen to fall into that situation, instagraming some inspiration quotes should get you out of the public’s doghouse pretty fast.  Okay, Sergio Romo?  Okay.

3.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Especially promises like, I’ll be ready for Opening Day after my second Tommy John surgery.  There’s no shame in recovery.  But there is some shame in your words being a whole lot bigger than what you can actually do.  Hiya, Brian Wilson.

2.  Don’t dope and then lie about it.  Important: if you’re going to do it, though, try not to, oh, alienate absolutely everyone else in the sport.  Having allies is a good thing, Lance.

1.  Don’t have an imaginary dead girlfriend.  This is a big one.  However, if you go against my advice, give the Associated Press the name of a real city when asked where she was (not) buried.  Carson City, California sounds like Wonderland, though.   I wish I could go there.

Happy-January-is-inching-by-soon-it-will-be-time-for-Spring-Training Day!

Diamond Girl

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The Only Logical Way to Start the New Year

So… I’m guilty.  I have pretty much started the new year doing everything you’re supposed to stop doing.  I don’t make resolutions (unless DRINK MORE COFFEE counts?),but I have spent the last 11 days altogether slacking on life.  Will eventually answer emails and clean my stuff up and all that.  Maybe on Opening Day or maybe not.  Further updates at a later date.

Anyway, in baseball news, the Hall of Fame announced who they will be inducting this year and the answer is nobody.  Not even in the Odysseus sense: nobody with a capital N.  Just nobody as in nobody because the baseball writers are on a power trip and really we need a new way of voting so that arbitrary in a way that suits us fans a little better.  A hint: arbitrary is arbitrary, no matter how you spin it.  No one was inducted this year.  Life goes on.

Moving right along.

This past month or so has been pretty sleepy, mostly, with the new CBA pretty much guilting everyone into finishing up their offseason early, as was intended, I think.  Catchers and pitchers (in)voluntarily report to Spring Training a month from tomorrow.  There are still a few players floating around and a cover guy for MLB The Show to be picked, but otherwise, crickets

In the meantime, I am entertaining myself with movie award season.  My Golden Globe prediction ballot is all filled out and I’m still celebrating about Beasts of the Southern Wild and Silver Linings Playbook knocking everyone else out with their sort-of-surprise Oscar noms.  And recovering from the shock that Trouble With the Curve didn’t, like, clean up.

Justin Timberlake is a man of many talents.  Baseball broadcasting, sadly, is not one of them.

Diamond Girl

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Hall of Fame, You Say? Let Me Pluck Out My Eyeballs With a Fork, Please.

Let’s talk about the Hall of Fame for a moment.

I will be straight up with you: I have only nominal interest in the HOF.  Similarly, as many of you know, I have only nominal interest in all of the awards.  It’s always going to be a very subjective reckoning and while awards hold a good deal of significance to players and the Hall of Fame even more, I would imagine, it’s sort of icing on the cake.  Likewise, for us fans, there will always be a player – a player who would never get into the HOF – who matters more to us than 90% of the people who are in it.  A player who, for whatever reason, did something to make themselves unforgettable to us.  We all have a personal HOF and players are in there for a million and one reasons.

Which brings me back to the real HOF.  Everyone and their long-lost brother who’s actually a hockey fan, but still, has an opinion on the ballot.  It’s this way every year, but especially this year with Bonds and Clemens on the ballot for the first time.  I’ve read so many opinions and articles on the topic that I am ready to pluck my eyeballs out with forks.

People, you need to worry less.

The vote belongs to the voters.  The voters, pretty much without exception, know more about baseball than I will ever know, so I don’t expect I’d sway them with my opinion.  To the extent that it’s fantasy HOF, eh, fantasy cooking-an-Italian dinner would probably be more fun.  To the extent that it’s a manifestation of our opinions on stats vs. old-school measurements of success or PEDs are okay vs. PEDs are not okay, pinning the argument on the HOF seems silly.

I see a lot of new movies every year and when the Academy Award nominations for 2012 are announced on January 10th, I am sure to be disappointed.  Some films they won’t recognize because they are too big, too commercial.  Some, because they were too small, too independent.  Historically, many truly brilliant movies and actors who have endured the test of time were never recognized.  But this doesn’t change our experience of watching them now, nor did it when they came out.

And this class of HOF’s will not change the opinion of anyone who’s made up their mind, nor will it change the careers of a select group of great players who are on the ballot.

It is an award.  It is arbitrary.

Diamond Girl

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