I always think I’m going to love off-days. I’m going to get loads done and not miss baseball irrationally (it’s just one day!), but when it comes down to it, I hate off-days. I’m not accustomed to this practice of doing normal, humanbeing things like not scheduling my day around a baseball game. It confuses me. I don’t get much done at all. So! With that in mind, I decided to make a helpful post – don’t you love those? – 25 Ways to Occupy Yourself On an Off-Day. Without further ado…
25. Take “occupy” literally. Choose someone who’s been really annoying you lately and just occupy their space. Your boss’s desk is a great example. Get some markers and make a sign or two, bring your old tent and you’re good to do. Easy peasy. (I do not take responsibility if you lose your job, though. Being a rebel does have occupational hazards.)
24. Take up basket-weaving. I hear it’s fun and super time consuming.
23. Get a pair of shearing scissors and offer free haircuts on the street. People will love you.
22. Brush up on your Buster Bash skills. You can never have too many sunflower seeds.
21. Make a list of all your best Jose Altuve jokes and publish it on the internet.
20. Better still, make a list of your ways to stay occupied and post it on the internet. Hey, that actually sounds like a good idea!
19. Petition Bud Selig to eliminate off-days. It worked real well with the whole Emily-for-Commish thing.
18. Blame Diamond Girl for this atrocity because of that sign she made way back when.
17. Make cupcakes. Just ‘cause.
16. Head to the bookstore or your Kindle (whichismurderingpreciousprintbutwtvr) and read some positive psychology books. The Giants will be so rested! They’ll beat AZ! Off-days are awesome!
15. Cry. Stock up on mocha ice cream. You know the end of this story.
14. Make MLB Memes and send them to your friends. Refresh your email and glower when nobody answers in ten minutes.
13. Post a few cryptic Facebook statuses that are totally directed at your football-watching friends.
12. Watch The Hobbit trailer a few(hundred) times. Smiley face.
11. Watch a baseball movie or two. Not recommended. Baseball movies are unanimously awful, in my opinion, but you all disagree so proceed. I will not say a word. (More.)
10. Try to paint your nails orange and black, like Brian Wilson’s. Fail. Move on.
9. Listen to 2010 top hits. You now have two options: a) Get teary eyed and reminiscent b) Thank Higher Power of Choice That We Are Not in 2010 Anymore Because That Music Was God-Awful.
8. Politely but firmly beg Sergio Romo to confine his tweets to 140 characters.
7. Read certain stats about the Reds. NLDS is unwinnable. Get depressed.
6. Read other stats about the Reds. We got this thing! Get excited.
5. Enter the Giants lottery for the opportunity to buy playoff tickets. Prepare to live in abject poverty for the rest of your life, but it will have been worth it.
4. Polish up your proposal of marriage to Marco Scutaro and send it off. Start shopping for rings.
3. Also get a caterer and reserve the venue and send out save-the-dates with the groom’s name TBA. Normal behavior and Marco will think it’s adorable.
2. Come up with a new playoff superstition. You know not washing your shirt doesn’t work, right? Right?
1. Do not, under any circumstances, do what I just did.