If Martians or whatever creatures Tom Cruise thinks planted us were to land on earth, I would greet them with a brief hello in Esperanto (‘cause everyone knows that, right?) and then I’d say very simply: this does not happen. This? they’d say in Esperanto or maybe Alien Language. In which case I wouldn’t understand it. But I’d intuit, because they’d be understandably confused.
This, I’d say, gesturing towards a piece of paper or conveniently placed smartphone with this on it:
Now I don’t know if Tom Cruise agrees with me on this, but all signs seem to point to aliens being really fantastic at math, so they’d probably assume this was a complex math problem/code/communication-thing and turn on their super alien brains and start cracking at it. Presumably within a few minutes, they’d come up with an answer, which might read something like, We want to make war with you. (It might not, but then again, it might.) So then we’d have this massive war with the aliens and seriously, aliens are way more awesome than we are, so we’d probably all die. Take heart, Tom Cruise knows exactly what to do. He’d be fine.
In which case we could blame the Giants for the catastrophic destruction of life as we know it, because it all started with the fact that they put up final scores that just do not happen and shocked poor Diamond Girl who conveniently happened to be the first person to greet the aliens when they landed on earth.
Actually, I blame Coors Field. The Giants are innocent in this one.
p.s. My Chipotle steak-and-fajitas burrito is also a Giants fan!