5. Neftali Feliz. To save him from Jon Daniels’ clutches. Jon Daniels who pokes him in the back with a knife and makes him start and whatever, when Neftali really just wants to close. No, I have never read anything to this effect, but I can just intuit these things, you know?
4. Ryan Gosling. Because he’s good at everything. He even saves lives. Not that I read the celeb gossip columns or anything.
3. LeBron James. He no longer needs to win rings and prove The Haters wrong, so maybe he should get into baseball. Closing, specifically. For the Giants, most specifically. I hear he’s a great, selfless clubhouse personality, too.
2. Anyone Billy Beane picks. Because Billy Beane loves closers. Courtesy of Moneyball: “You could take a slightly above average pitcher and drop him into the closer’s role, let him accumulate some gaudy number of saves, and then sell him off. You could, in essence, buy a stock, pump into up with false publicity, and sell it off for much more than you’d paid for it. Billy Beane had already done it twice, and assumed he could do so over and over.”
1. Santiago Casilla. Looking like an increasingly appealing option, after making this list.
Casilla’s had a bad couple little stretch and is now basically unavailable with a blister on his finger. The masses of craz—I mean, wonderful fans are calling for Sergio Romo to be handed the closer job and while I love Romo, I, um, do not agree. Even aside from Romo’s recurring injury problems, which could make the job problematic for him, I think Casilla deserves a little benefit of the doubt.
Also, he bats.
If I’d proposed a year or two ago that he would make a fantastic closer, you would have laughed at me. Every one of you. Reason I didn’t propose it is that I, too, would have laughed. So just now I propose that we all just sit back and give Casilla a moment. Or two. Or three. And use now-free moments to meditate on the unfairness of pitching on a team that doesn’t reallyever hit. Ryan Vogelsong is probably a saint.
In other news, the Rangers have an even more ridiculous number of All Stars than the Giants.