Dear Bud Selig,
Hi! Have you missed me and my letters of bullyin- I mean, recommendation- to you? Wait. Don’t answer that one.
Anyway! I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but I feel the need to say it clearly and detailed-ly now, on the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day. For the Giants, A’s, Reds, Cubs, Pirates, Phillies and Orioles.
Which is, actually, just my point.
Wouldn’t it be a thousand times more climactic to be able to just say, “the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day,” without all the team names at the end? AKA, shouldn’t they all report on the same day? Now, look. I understand all the stuff about free will vs. predestination and letting teams do their own thing and that this is not a mandatory report date anyway, but that is all completely beside the point. Imagine if it was like this at the beginning of the regular season, with Opening Day spread out over a whole bunch of days? How terrible would that be? (It would, obviously, be absolutely terrible.)
Also, on the practical side, this bad scheduling makes my brain have to work a lot harder than it likes to. Since my iPod has a deep and unfounded hatred of me and refuses to accept it when I schedule appointments or events on the calendar app, I have to store all this info in my head. Which means that every day, in between watching Dior fashion shows over and over, I have to do my sleuthing and find out who might possibly be reporting to Arizona today. Waste of time with a capital “W”.
Besides which, the Giants were tweeting photos of Nate Schierholtz working out in the batting cages today. I mean, I’m not going to go out there and say they shouldn’t let Nate take BP. But tweeting about it? That’s like tweeting a link to the wedding scene from Breaking Dawn, Part I the day before the movie comes out. You can’t leak the most important details right before it happens, people!
So here’s what I propose: something a little more, well, dramatic. I’m talking, you sucker all the players into getting buzzy new haircuts and stuff and then they all make their grand debuts before the cameras on one, predetermined, day.
If only for the sake of my overscheduled brain.
Thanks, Bud. You’re the best. And while you’re at it, please scrap all the expanded playoffs weirdness. That’s just… weird. For lack of a better word.
p.s. If you’re feeling annoyed after finishing this letter, just imagine if I’d written you a version of Goodnight Moon, adapted to Goodnight Offseason, like I was initially planning. And feel blessed I went with this idea instead.