February 2012

Inspired By @MLB… Some Completely Fab Leaps

This morning, MLB tweeted, “Greatest LEAP ever? RT if you agree, reply with your favorite leap …http://atmlb.com/x0oTMv”.  While that leap is pretty fab, I’m not convinced it is the best ever.  So, in honor of this special February 29th (the first time we’ve celebrated that on this blog!), I’ve decided to make a little gallery of what I consider to be some of the best baseball leaps.  Some are of catches, some of homers and some are of those beautiful things called World Series victories.  I think the most priceless parts of these photos are the facial expressions, but I gotta admit, these guys have some pretty fantastic leg power too.

So, what is your favorite leap?  Since it is a day that doesn’t really exist, I think we should debate completely fun and mindless things like this.  ‘K?  ‘K.

Happy Leap Day!

Diamond Girl

What Do I Search On YouTube? Well…

After the extraordinary multitude of hideous dresses at the Academy Awards last night, I went to YouTube this evening to search up my favorite Dior fashion show which is fashion-therapeutic for me.  Then I looked back at the search box and what I had typed.

For the record, I was trying to say, “dior spring couture 2011.”  Still, YouTube didn’t seem to care.  It completely ignored that fact that my head is quite possibly screwed on the wrong way and showed me Dior shows, just like I wanted.  But I felt a little head-screwed-on-wrong all the same.

I have now defaced a Galliano dress in the name of this blog.  You are welcome to thank me, y’all.

Speaking of the head problems?  Let’s talk Academy Awards for a moment.  Suffice to say, padded shoulder jackets are terrible- looking at you, Glenn Close- and Howard Shore’s soundtrack to Hugo is one of the greatest in recent history.  But Billy Crystal is always funny and I got 17 out of 24 of my predictions right, which won me my video rental store’s contest and a boatload of free movies, so all is well in the world.

And now that award season is all finished, I am free to attempt a tan (ha!) and talk about Tim Lincecum’s back (problems) 24 hours a day and seven days a week.  In between glaring pointedly at photos of Brian Wilson and simultaneously hoping that he and all the endlessly iffy-somewhat-slightly-injured players are really ready for Opening Day.  Spring Training is just the practice run.  I am terribly jittery about the real thing.

And that Giants-Rangers match-up on March 23rd?  Yeah.  I’m jittery about that too.  My double/triple/quadruple life can be exhausting, you know.  And YouTube always ends up taking the brunt of it.  Someday I will put an apple (not Apple-apple, just a plain ol’ red thing, people) on its desk and thank it for its hard work.

Diamond Girl

A Leaked Invitation to the “Just Chill Out™ Dinner” for Ryan Braun and MLB Execs

It’s not as exciting as a Royal Wedding invitation.  But nearly.  Very nearly.

Who:  Ryan Braun and the MLB executives who so vehemently disagree with the ruling on his PED case

When:  A nice warm evening whenever

Where:  A soothing dining room

What:  This intimate dinner is designed to help everyone meet cordially and discuss their issues in a non-threatening environment.  Presented by Just Chill Out, Inc.™

All the details:  When faced with an issue like this, famous people and organizations tend to do their cat-fighting through the media and cryptic statements.  While these do serve to get out the angst you’re proabably feeling inside you, it doesn’ t ultimately help with the underlying issues.  Our dinners present an opportunity to really tresh out your feelings in a confidential, face-to-face setting.

With a menu including a wide array of delicious foods that are specially designed to help mellow you out, this dinner is truly the whole package.  Starting with a hearty bowl of chicken soup for the disillusioned ballplayer soul and ending on a high note with a dark chocolate lava cake that is sure to leave everyone smiling, tensions will let up before you can blink an eyelash.  We also serve warm milk with every course which does the calming job fast.

Group therapy has never been so fun!

Call 1-800-CHIL-OUT (hey, Chill Out was too many digits) if you have any questions at all and get ready to solve your problems productively and delectably.

Terms and conditions apply.  Void where prohibited, where there are no cool celebrities and/or if you do not like chocolate lava cake.  Just Chill Out, Inc.™ reserves the right to flee the country at any time if you have a food fight with your enemy and trash the premises.  We do not cover medical bills if you get food poisoning after a Just Chill Out, Inc.™ dinner nor can we guarantee results of any kind.  BYO disillusioned ballplayers.

Ryan Braun = Question Mark (+Organic Oreos and Stuff)

Well.  So.  Ryan Braun.  These past few months have been a bit a roller coaster, in terms of my love for Braun.  Take a look:

And the newest addition to the bunch:

Yeah.  I am officially turning into a baseball schizophrenic, I think.  When the original positive test was reported, I was as surprised as I ever am by a positive test and that means not very surprised at all.  I’m a cynic like that, I s’pose.  But his stance on it was intriguing all the same.  There is a certain element of ‘fessing up or staying quiet and he didn’t do either.  So I sat tight and ate organic Oreos and scrolled through my Twitter feed non-obsessively, 24 hours a day.  Then when it was finally overturned and he was declared innocent yesterday, I stopped mid-oreo cookie (I eat them by breaking off the top and then eating the rest whole, in case you’re wondering) and felt decidedly suspicious.  It seems to be in everyone’s best interest, in many ways, for him to be innocent I was once again rather cynical.

But then there was MLB’s nasty statement (agree or disagree, people, it was pretty nasty) and Braun’s presser this morning.  And I’m leaning decidedly on the, He is innocent side now.

He’s awfully convincing, isn’t he?  And the process seems shady enough that while he may or may not really be innocent, there isn’t enough solid info on the other side to call him guilty.  We’ll have to see where it goes from here, but for now I am leaving that question mark at the end of my sign.  Knowing the sharp-toothed media, we’ll probably discover more about this in the coming days/weeks/months, which I’m curious to see, but I hope we can all just settle down a bit and watch baseball too.

On a lighter note, the terrible hair that was Braun’s during the 2011 postseason appears to have gone bye-bye.  This is good news indeed!

I didn’t really get the jacket, though. Why so many pockets and buttons?  Less is more, Ryan.  Less is more.

Diamond Girl

Dodgers Fans Think Giants Fans Do Voodoo and Other Facts of Life

I love internet trends.  This, you know.  (If you don’t believe me, feel free to count how many Yu Darvish puns I’ve made on my Twitter account in the past three months.  Really, Yu totally should.)  So when I started seeing all these “What I Do” photos circulating the blogosphere?  I jumped on the bandwagon.  There are some pretty hilarious ones for Sith Lords, Social Media Managers and Tech Support peeps, among others.  And then there’s mine for Giants fans.  I’m kind of biased and all, but I think it’s pretty funny.

Rest assured, society, I do not have a back tattoo of a scary looking cardinal (although I do have nightmares about them) and Dodger fans, I will not confirm or deny the whole voodoo thing.  I mean, wasn’t your team the one that paid a guru a million and one dollars to give you good vibes via webcam from Russia?  Let’s just say we’re even now.

Diamond Girl

Game of Thrones Bashing, Grammar Nazi-ing and MLB Fan Cave Hating

Big headlines these past few days:  the aces have back stiffness and beat writers take bad iPhone photos.  Which is to say, this Spring Training has been pretty eventful so far.  In bad ways (the former) and good ways (the latter).

At first, I felt pretty much the same way about Lincecum’s back stiffness as I did about Vogelsong’s: absolutely panicked.  But then I read Bruce Bochy said that this is really totally normal for Spring Training and nothing to be alarmed about and I had a big old epiphany and realized there was no need to start pulling my hair out.  Besides, if I start now, I’ll have none left for Opening Day, let alone the stretch run.  I have 18 inches of hair, but even 18 inches can be taken down with a whole lot of pulling.

As for the beat writers, the controversy is honestly a wee bit baffling to me.  I don’t want to link to the site directly because as a blogger, I know how I relish page hits but you can check out another article about how whole thing here.  Mostly, the TwitPics are bad.  I get that.  We all get that.  But I also don’t get the level of outrage it’s stirring up within the legions of fans.  Why do we need fab photos of Brian Wilson’s first bullpen sessions?  Can’t our imaginations do just as good a job?

Okay, maybe not.  But then if we do get a photo and it’s terrible and blurry, “grin and bear it” comes to mind.  Anyone who uses a digital camera vs. a phone camera knows the hassle associated with getting a photo from a digital camera onto Twitter.  Reality, is Twitter is built for mobile devices.

Aside from the quality, people are also getting up and arms about the subject matter.  Apparently people get sick of feel-good-nice-little-moments photos fast.  To which I have to say, shall we comb through your Twitter feed and find the time you live-tweeted Game of Thrones?  Or the time you tweeted photos of your breakfast every day for three weeks?   Or the time you retweeted the infamous pigeon twitter account saying “coo coo coo”?  Not judging here, you’re allowed to admit your weakness for George R.R. Martin and I will not comment despite my loathing of him.  My point is just that we’ve all done something along those lines.  If a beat writer is overzealous and nostalgic about Spring Training, “grin and bear it” comes to mind once more.

Just goes to show that if Timmy talked more about his In-N-Out we would all have less time on our hands to get preoccupied about things like this and the (baseball) world would be a much better place.  You listening, Freak/Franchise/Guy With Long Hair Who May Soon Have Short Hair?

Last but not least, I feel I should share my vote on the MLB Fan Cave so you all can go vote accordingly, of course.  I’m going to have to disappoint though and so my vote goes to (drum roll, please):  no one.  I really did try to put aside that I think the Cave ranks up there with Tom Cruise on Oprah as one of the worst publicity stunts of all time and go look for someone to vote for today, but I came up short.  Why?  My mellowing out plan went sour when some overwhelming percentage of the 50 finalists said, “I am someone that.”  At which point my grammar Nazi alarm bells went off in my head because people are not “that”s they are “who”s!  What are they teaching kids in schools… ten years ago when these hipsters were in them?

I ask you.

Diamond Girl

The Whole Baseball-Injuries-That-Do-Not-Exist-In-The-Real-World Thing

They are falling like flies, people.

(Yes, I know flies to honey is a different cliché entirely.  But this little cartoon was just too good to pass up.  Bear with me.)

Okay.  Maybe that’s unfair.  One of them fell in an only slightly fly-like way.  But that is still reason for a bit of mass hysteria, if you ask me.  I mean, after last year, us Giants fans have a right to be paranoid about injuries.  If you have puzzled googly eyes because you are not as glued to Twitter as I am (understandable), then I will share the sensational news: Ryan Vogelsong announced today that he is out for 10 days with back stiffness.  AKA, he may never be able to use his back again.  Let’s just say my state of smiliness went up in a poof of blue smoke.

Because, sure, I am still massively excited about Spring Training and catchers and pitchers getting fab new tans and Buster Posey being Buster Posey and all of that, but injuries are just a massive buzzkill, aren’t they?

I know back stiffness is, on the scale of Baseball Injuries (That Do Not Exist In the Real World), not really that serious.  They can come back to haunt players later in the season, of course, but it’s not- gasp- the arm or anything like that.  And if Vogey is anything like Lincecum (think: All Star Game), maybe he’s just nervous and trying to avoid the spotlight of the beginning of Spring Training.  I told you that injuries breed paranoia.  I am entitled to a few conspiracy theories here.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check that my back door is locked and look at a few more blurry photos of Barry’s new windup which is going to potentially bring World Peas and a cure to cancer!  Plus maybe good pitching.  Do you all understand the magnitude of this?

Diamond Girl

My Letter to Bud Selig On the Eve of Spring Training

Dear Bud Selig,

Hi!  Have you missed me and my letters of bullyin- I mean, recommendation- to you?  Wait.  Don’t answer that one.

Anyway!  I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but I feel the need to say it clearly and detailed-ly now, on the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day.  For the Giants, A’s, Reds, Cubs, Pirates, Phillies and Orioles.

Which is, actually, just my point.

Wouldn’t it be a thousand times more climactic to be able to just say, “the eve of Catchers and Pitchers Reporting Day,” without all the team names at the end?  AKA, shouldn’t they all report on the same day?  Now, look.  I understand all the stuff about free will vs. predestination and letting teams do their own thing and that this is not a mandatory report date anyway, but that is all completely beside the point.  Imagine if it was like this at the beginning of the regular season, with Opening Day spread out over a whole bunch of days?  How terrible would that be?  (It would, obviously, be absolutely terrible.)

Also, on the practical side, this bad scheduling makes my brain have to work a lot harder than it likes to.  Since my iPod has a deep and unfounded hatred of me and refuses to accept it when I schedule appointments or events on the calendar app, I have to store all this info in my head.  Which means that every day, in between watching Dior fashion shows over and over, I have to do my sleuthing and find out who might possibly be reporting to Arizona today.  Waste of time with a capital “W”.

Besides which, the Giants were tweeting photos of Nate Schierholtz working out in the batting cages today.  I mean, I’m not going to go out there and say they shouldn’t let Nate take BP.  But tweeting about it?  That’s like tweeting a link to the wedding scene from Breaking Dawn, Part I the day before the movie comes out.  You can’t leak the most important details right before it happens, people!

So here’s what I propose:  something a little more, well, dramatic.  I’m talking, you sucker all the players into getting buzzy new haircuts and stuff and then they all make their grand debuts before the cameras on one, predetermined, day.

If only for the sake of my overscheduled brain.

Thanks, Bud.  You’re the best.  And while you’re at it, please scrap all the expanded playoffs weirdness.  That’s just… weird.  For lack of a better word.

Thanks again!

Diamond Girl

p.s.  If you’re feeling annoyed after finishing this letter, just imagine if I’d written you a version of Goodnight Moon, adapted to Goodnight Offseason, like I was initially planning.  And feel blessed I went with this idea instead.

My Dreams Have Officially Been Crushed

In today’s depressing news, “@Yoenis_Cespedes” on Twitter is not really the Cuban outfielder who reportedly closed a deal with the A’s yesterday worth $36 million.  (You could buy about ten gourmet cupcakes ‘round here with that kind of money.)  Why is this depressing?  Check out one of the account’s recent tweets:

also my fans i will be honest with u on this ok i really like oakland a jerseys and shoes they are very style and miami was just ok really

I was seriously clapping my hands together in glee at reading that.  I was all, “We have someone who is actually vaguely fashion-conscious on a Bay Area sports team!”   (Barry Zito lost that title when he wore this, of course.)  Then Jane Lee, of mlb.com, went and shot down once and for all that that was really his account.  Which was good journalism and everything, but still decidedly depressing.

I do have to agree with the troll- I mean, person- running the fake account, though.  Oakland’s uniforms are a thousand times better than those Miami ones.  Especially those new weird rainbow ones that they’re rolling out with their new stadium which may or may not also be rainbow themed.  Unconfirmed on that, but I’m working on it.  If anyone every did a baseball themed fashion show, I would totally recommend the A’s as a model.  Open for loose interpretation, of course.  Loose loose interpretation.  Just because I said they’re good in the scheme of baseball uniforms doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re ready for the runways.

Anyhow!  The Giants were so kind as to inform me very cheerfully via iPhone notes app that Spring Training is now three days away.

This was the photo reminder.  Instagramed, no less.

Three days!  Staying on the topic of cupcakes, since I can make cupcakes from scratch in just under 13 minutes, I could make about 220 batches of cupcakes, which is about 2640 cupcakes, between now and Spring Training starting.  Perhaps enough to feed the Giants 25 man roster?  Or to open my own gourmet cupcake shop that sells them for a slightly more reasonable price?

That would, of course, all be contingent on my taking no breaks on the baking front for three days.  Not even to check Twitter or scroll through photos of badly dressed celebrities.  Read: unlikely.

Still, this all goes to show that Spring Training is very soon.  To make a long story short.  Which is good news indeed.

Diamond Girl

My Own Armando Galarraga Moment, Comin’ Right Up

In between doses of Once Upon a Car and some books of French fairytales, this is my new reading assignment.

That’s right.  Diamond Girl is going all ump on you.  I will soon be decided the futures of Little League games and arguing with Little League dads who are probably some of the most fearsome people you will meet in your life.  I went to my first ump training session yesterday and am pretty much scared out of my mind.  But excited.  And scared.

See, when I think about it in the sense of If I were to blow a call and crush a kid, who then decided that, because of said blown call, he doesn’t want to play baseball anymore and he hates the game for the rest of his life, when he was really destined to become the next Derek Jeter… I get more than “pretty much” scared out of my mind.  So I am trying not to think about it that way.  Instead, I’m thinking about it as, What could possibly be worse than butchering kid’s names in the announcer’s booth?  Then I feel much better.

One confusion did arise when, in one of the ump training PowerPoint slides, they said, “Dress to impress!”  I started thinking of all sorts of interesting ways I could make the ump uniform most interesting and fun when I suddenly realized they meant black pants and a black t-shirt.  Huh.  This is going to be interesting.

Wish me luck, my friends.  I may need it.

Diamond Girl

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