Dissatisfied baseball players.
You know of whom I speak. Not to, well, name any names but you know them. They’re the baseball players who, while they do love baseball and all that, really wish they could do something else. They’d trade their Cy Young Award for a Grammy (sorry, Barry) or gladly spend their summers zooming around in a strangely shaped race car (sorry, CJ darling, but now that you’re an Angel my ripping license has arrived). There are more of them. And while we can tolerate and snicker occasionally, it’s generally no biggie. Baseball players have a knack for being dissatisfied. We know this.
But how to deal with it, when it get especially maddening?
(To be clear, I’m not talking about baseball players who have interests aside from throwing a ball around on a grassy field. I’m talking about those players who make it really, painfully clear that this is merely a day job and their true talent lies somewhere else. See above photos for some cases in point of this phenomenon.)
Aside from kicking them out of the ballpark and denying them dinner for a few nights, which does seem like a rather appealing option at certain, particularly terrible moments.
But short of that… what about a more politic solution?
Here’s what I‘m thinking: a Baseball Players Get Out Their Other Job Complex Night at the ballpark! The crowd buys tickets like usual and takes their seats but the ballplayers, instead of playing baseball, display their alternate talent that they have been craving to try out.
This will achieve two things! First of all, it would be endless comedy for the viewers. Sorry, MLBers. You look funny doing anything other than playing baseball and most especially when crooning country music. The other thing it would achieve is assisting ballplayers to get this alternate talent out of their system. Once they do it in front of a crowd, they’ll realize that they vastly prefer playing baseball and perhaps weren’t even that good at the second thing to start with.
And if it goes fantastically and they don’t come to that conclusion?
No prob, y’all. After BPGOTOJCN (which is, in case you were wondering, the acronym for Baseball Players Get Out Their Other Industry Complex Night) the unions could make a new rule that would allow for players and teams to get out of their contracts, no strings attached, and the players can then go and pursue their other dream.
And there’d be another clause in there that allows the player to come back begging for that contract to please come back, for a maximum of three months after. I, personally, would put money on 99.9% of them utilizing this clause, but that’s beside the point.
The point is that we’d have a really, really great night at the ballpark and, oh, TV networks? A whole lot of viewership, too.
Should MLB hire me as their special events planner (in addition to commissioner, of course) or what?!
Rhetorical question, by the way. Don’t bother answering.