We need to talk about Bud. Yes, that is a play on the weird horror-ish indie movie that is making waves right now with Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin. It’s about a… serial killer. Kid. Teen. I think. Something like that.
Slightly unfair, seeing as Bud is not (that I know of) a serial killer kid person, but he is, well, a commissioner who won’t go away.
So not completely unfair.
Look, I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I understand that Selig has done many fabulous things for Major League Baseball and is passing up the awesome opportunity to teach at the University of Wisconsin to (probably) keep being commissioner for a couple more years, but still. Really? Two more years of this at 20 million a pop (year)?
I mean, I could do the job for a tiny fraction of that cost and probably make everyone happier while I’m at it. No offense, Selig. I have serious respect for you. There is just… shall we say, too much of a good thing. Yeah. That’s it.
So! 10 reasons I would make a fabulous commissioner!
10. I promise there will be a chicken in every dugout. Live. And squawking. Take that, Herbert Hoover. You were just one-upped.
9. I promise to swiftly and promptly discard any idea of the commissioner being out of touch by having one of those nine hour meet-and-greets a la Taylor Swift. Hey, she’s pretty darn popular. And We All Belong With Her and she is not Mean. (So punny, I know.)
8. I promise that whoever wants a new stadium will get one. Seriously. We’ll fund them with bake sales and car washes and all that and I also got this idea from some homeless people I saw the other day to give away friendship bracelets on the street with a humble sign asking for donations. People melt. Such is the power of friendship bracelets. A’s, you are getting new stadium!
7. I promise to kiss lotsa babies and shake lotsa hands. Granted. Next, please.
6. I promise to only love u, Ryan Braun from afar, so as not to seem all Brewer sympathetic. Gotta learn from your predecessors, people.
5. I promise that my first action will be to unequivocally ban the hideous rainbow uniforms that the Marlins are currently plotting to don next season. You are goin’ down, hideous unis. The End.
4. I promise to do weekly web streams where you (my minions, that is) can all submit questions via chat, Twitter, Facebook, whatever. There will also be prizes. Cracker jacks. Stuff like that. It will be fun. (Maybe.)
3. I promise that I will not go by a silly nickname. Looking at you, Bud. (FYI, Diamond Girl does not count as silly. Just to be clear on that.)
2. I promise to be the first commissioner to have a Twitter. @AwesomeCommissioner or something like that. Hashtag parties will ensue, rest assured.
1. I promise to be a completely fab commissioner and retire at a (semi) reasonable time.
M’kay? Sound good?
No need to answer that one. I know it sounds super good.
I’m decided to make this official and made a petition, in fact, that you can sign right here:
If you want me as the new Major League Commissioner, sign it, pass it along to your fabulous friends and let’s do this thing!