Monthly Archives: November 2011

How Many Movie References Can I Squeeze Into One Post? Or a Letter to Aubrey Huff

While I was feeding my fish this morning, I started thinking about Aubrey Huff.  And as the day progressed (and the rain came down, down, down), I couldn’t shake it.

Oh, Aubrey.

(He’s two faced, no doubt.  Like Harvey Dent except, yeah, way, way less creepy.)

Suffice to say: we’ve seen two different Huffs and have no idea who we’ll see in 2012.  Can he be trusted?

(I was all ready to hire James Bond to find out for me, but there are so many of them.  Connery or Brosnan?!)

Then again, if we knew, it wouldn’t be baseball, right?  So I just need to sit tight and bite my nails and think of some incentives for Aubrey.  Because as Freakenomics so aptly states, incentives are the key to everything and anything on Planet Earth.

Actually, let’s start with a threat, not an incentive:

Forget what I said about Melky bringing balance to the Force.  That’s going to fall to you.  If you don’t deliver, Darth Vader will take over and that would be… bad.   Or something.

The weight of the world (Giants) is on your shoulders.  No pressure.

Or maybe just, clean up yo act, kid.  That might work too.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  I don’t usually do “happy dances”, but when the news came out that Pat the Bat is all but retired, I totally did one.  Sorry, Burrell-ites.  Sort of.

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How I Imagine a Marlins/Reyes Meeting Would Go Down

Miami, Florida.  Wednesday, November 9th, 2011 around noon.  Traditional Florida things like crocodiles and alligators or whatever are in the vicinity, poking their noses into the scene.

Jose Reyes walks up and shakes hands with team president, David Samson, owner, Jeffrey Loria and GM, Michael Hill.  Reyes is wearing some jeans that droop ever so slightly and are distressed, ever so slightly.  Aviator sunglasses and a punk(ish) t-shirt complete the über-hip look.

Samson, Loria and Hill are in slightly (slightly?) less hip outfits.  Men’s Warehouse type suits, that is.

Samson:  Jose!  Great to see you.

Loria:  Yes, definitely, Mr. Reyes.  (He emphasizes the last word and shoots a death-stare to Samson.)

Hill (interjects):   How was your flight?

Reyes (yawns):  Oh, alright.  Thanks, guys.

(At this point there is a long, somewhat awkward silence.)

Samson:  So, Jose!  Would you like to see the new stadium maybe?  Have a bite to eat?

Jose (finally actually looks at him and then all of them)Where are your suits from?

(Beat.)

Hill:  Um, I don’t remember where I bought it.  Why do you ask?

Jose:  I am positive that I saw that suit at Men’s Warehouse.  Are you kidding me?  Is this a joke?  You expect me to sign with a team so cheap that they buy their suits at Men’s Warehouse?

Samson (triumphantly):  How would you know it was at Men’s Warehouse?  You couldn’t know that unless you shopped there yourself!  (Shoots a look to Loria which is all, I just got in a major line for you.  Loria has an stunning impassive face on.)

Reyes (glares):  Whatever, dudes. 

Loria:  In fact, our payroll is going up a lot in the coming year, Mr. Reyes.  We are hardly cheap.

Hill:  Indeed!  We’re going to making a lot of positive acquisitions to make this team a serious contender.

Reyes (pondering):  Florida Marlins… serious contender…

Loria:  Miami Marlins, you mean.  Miami Marlins.

Reyes (puzzled):  Whatever, dudes.

Samson:  Well, then.  Want some of our amazing new cuisine we’ll be offering at the new stadium?   Some caviar, maybe?

Reyes (puts up hand, warningly):  Sorry, no can do.  I’m on a new, nutritionist recommended diet, so I only eat one food group per day.  Fish day is Sunday.  Sorry.

Loria:  What food is it today?

Reyes:  Wednesday is… I forgot… (pulls out white iPhone and scrolls for a bit.  At last-)  Oh.  You know, it was nice meeting with you guys.  If you want to make an offer to my agent, you can, but I really gotta get going. 

Loria:  We have so many awesome amenities, not to mention our new logo an—

(He stops, because Reyes has sauntered off, with his patented Baseball Player Stride.  The three men stand there in silence for a bit, and then Samson leaves, bent on getting a new suit and putting a clause in his contract that makes sure he will never have to meet with a player again.)

Diamond Girl

p.s.  If you head over and like my Facebook page (link on your right) I can promise you a lifetime supply of Chinese food to your doorstep, every night, around 7.  If you’re an early diner, you’re out of luck.  Or if you move, because it’ll keep going to the same address.  What a gift to bequeath to the next owner of your house, though!  So you should go like it now.  Xoxo and all that.

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The Drama, The Drama!

When Sabean made the Cabrera/J-Sanch/Person I’ve Never Heard Of trade so early on, he robbed the offseason of a bit of its possible drama.  But never fear!  There is more (possible) drama to come!

  • Maybe Andres Torres will jump around Puerto Rico, shirtless with his jeans rolled up, because that totally worked last year and, you know, built up his muscles and all that.

   

  • Maybe Barry Zito will come to a profound realization that the reason he had a bad season was that he’s not just having fun out there (ah!  That must be it!  Makes sense!) and he will not attempt to have fun.  Sssh, no one clue him into the fact that trying hard to have fun sort of ruins it.

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  • Maybe Brandon Belt will make a trip to Starbucks for a Frapp and in the 10 minutes he’s there (nobody ever said Starbucks service is fast), get called up and sent down 15 times.

  • Maybe Albert Pujols will walk over to San Fran with a sign around his neck like, “Big Bat to the Rescue!  Sign moi and I will save the world!”

  • Maybe Wilson will… you know… that… no?  Forget I said anything.

Okay, enough “maybe”s to feed the American army.  And enough drama to fuel the high school in the Princess Diaries for another good twenty books or so.

Diamond Girl

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Tiene Leche? or 10 Facts About Melky Cabrera

I was a bit surprised.  Of all the pitchers, Sanchez was the obvious one to trade for A Bat and this deal was a darn good one for him, but I was still surprised.  I liked Sanchez, personally, when he was sitting in the dugout or doing interviews or something, but when he was on the mound, it was nothing short of maddening.  The no-hitter was fun, but Sanchez?  Not so much. 

Knowing that Kansas City is actually in Missouri makes me feel a little better about it, too.

If I can just disassociate Melky from Miguel in my twisted brain, then all will be well.  He can bat leadoff/play center/bring balance for the Force and I am (almost, kindasorta) stoked.

Let’s get to know the newest Giant, shall we?!

10.  His full name is Melky Astacio Cabrera, which kind of sounds like an almond dessert to me.  Which is, yeah, good.

9.  He’s not as old as you would think.  (No, really.)

8.  His nickname, though, is, “Leche” as in milk (think dulce de) and the Yankees had a “Tiene Leche?”, “Got Milk” scoreboard graphic for whenever he did something impressive.  Do you think that’s copyrighted?  Or could we rip it off?  Because if the Giants use it, I promise to brave the crowds and go to a million games next year.

7.  He’s not as old as you would think.  (No, really.)

6.  He’s best friends with Robbie Cano.  So maybe that means the Giants now have a chance at Cano or something…?  I kid, I kid.

5.  He’s not as old as you would think.  (No, really.)

4.  His birthday is August 11th.  We could start planning a surprise for him now, actually.  The sun is shining, the team is in first place, I repeat, the team is in first place… and there’d be cake and ice cream and piñatas and all that.  But the important part is, ahem, first place.

3.  He’s not as old as you would think.  (No, really.)

2.  He loves cupcakes and Star Wars.  Okay, I completely made that up.  But I’m trying to make this guy more likable, can you blame me for that?

1.  He’s not as old as you would think.  The kid’s 27.  Sabean traded for someone who’s 27!  I mean, do you understand the magnitude of this?  The implications?

Diamond Girl

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Let’s Do a Baseball Themed Fashion Shoot, Shall We?

If you think this blog has turned into one mega shopping spree since the season ended, then you’re absolutely right.

Case in point?  I went to H&M yesterday, to help someone else buy a dress, and, of course, got completely distracted.  First, it was this strange shirt with a completely unreadable/unmemorable slogan on the front that I fell in love with for whatever reason and then it was this awesome, puffy scarf and then…

There was this jacket.  This perfect, amazing jacket.  It sort of made me feel Becky Bloomwood in Confessions of a Shopaholic.  It was just deliciously retro, the kind of thing that looks like it’s actually vintage, but is also, er, new and shiny, which is to say it was completely fabulous.

Icing on the cake?  It was orange.  Bright, shining orange.

I bought it.  Straightaway.    And then took a million photos of myself in it and posted it on my blog because, It’s so baseball related!

Yeah.  That.  So baseball related.  I swear to stop posting about my shopping escapades for a while (bets on how long I last) and actually regale you with baseball talk.  I have a lot of to say, because I have an interest in the sport, still, in between my clicks on the “Purchase Now” button.   Amazing, I know.  Hey, we all have our offseason guilty pleasure, right?

Mine is in a fashion photo shoot above.  Bear with me, people.  And enjoy the million meals This Thing We Call Daylight Savings That Should Actually Be Called Let’s Mess With the Time necessitates.   I am craving broccoli now like nobody’s business, so I should probably go try and find some before I watch more World Series clips or buy more clothes.

Have I failed to mention that I am shopping a lot right now?

Diamond Girl

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