Settling the No. 5 Spot the Old-Fashioned Way

Can you jinx something if you were really, seriously, totally joking?

(I was when I predicted the sweep, in case that wasn’t clear.)

Anyhow, the Giants sure looked like they’ve been jinxed. I am a sort-of eternal optimist, but not only has the offense been snoozing with RISP, the pitching was more than a little shaky too yesterday. The Phillies are making life hard here in San Francisco.

Understandable, then, the real news from last night was the brawl. I mean, I’d rather talk about a brawl than a 9-2 loss too. I’m not usually into fights, but that one was kind of great to watch. Whiteside, for whatever reason, always struck me as really mellow. I was surprised by his involvement. And the Phillie who put him in a headlock. Good television. Unlike the rest of the game.

I think the big questions that came out of the game, though, are, Major funk? (to which the answer is: yes.) and is Jonathan Sanchez really a step up from Barry Zito? I can’t decide. They have a bigger investment (ahem, very big) in Barry but Sanchez is younger and has more potential. Plus the no-hitter, which earns anyone a few brownie points. It’ll obviously depend on Sanchez’s other starts before Zito is eligible to come off the disabled list, but the whole fight thing got me thinking: we should settle this the old-fashioned way. One-on-one combat.

No, not combat like that. No fighting involved. Like a cook-off. Or a sing-off. Or a design-clothing-off. Iron Chef, American Idol and Project Runway all wrapped into one, starring two San Francisco Giants. I bet the ratings would beat The Franchise by a mile.

Here’s how I’m imagining it would play out:

Round 1, Cooking:

Zito: Cooks lumpy looking omelette. B-

Sanchez: Heats up noodle soup in microwave. F

Round 2, Singing:

Zito: Sings Crash Into Me, Dave Matthews Band. Slightly painful. But playing of guitar slightly redeems performance. C

Sanchez: Sings the Giants win song. Gives a whole new meaning to painful but receives points for cute choice of music. D

Round 3, Designing Clothes

Zito: Designs an odd plastic-y yellow suit, somewhat resembling a raincoat. He says it’s high fashion and leaves it at that. C

Sanchez: Designs a cool looking street-punk-trendy outfit. B

If you put it that way, I think we have a clear winner in Barry Zito. Or if you’re more of a traditionalist, then maybe we could just do a pitch-BP-and-players-rate-who-does better thing?

This afternoon’s game is nationally televised and the Giants are now .5 a game ahead of Arizona. Deep breaths, people. Deep breaths.

Diamond Girl

1 Comment

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One response to “Settling the No. 5 Spot the Old-Fashioned Way

  1. Robert Seeds

    Diamond Girl:
    I went to an A’s game on Fathers’ Day when Zito was still with them. The giveaway was a tie — Designed by Barry Zito! I got him to autograph mine. (With the As, he was pretty good about signing stuff). The tie is not particularly exciting, and I’ve never worn it. It is yellow, like the suit you imagined, with green As lined up at a 45 degree diagonal.
    In other news Velez is 0 for 16 with the Dodgers but has scored two runs. He has gotten two starts, in LF and at second.
    Seedboy

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