Monthly Archives: July 2011

The Fashion Police Are Coming, Brian Wilson!

Brian Wilson offends me for many reasons.  The whole Thailand thing is the primary one.  But his latest crime is against fashion (not to mention, well, our eyes).

We all know you can’t stick Dolce and Gabbana suits or Marchesa dresses on everyone and tell them to strut down the red carpet.  You have to consider the kind of event and the personal style of the celebrity.  That makes sense.  An eccentric closer at the ESPYs?  He’s going to wear something fun and different.  Maybe fashion forward. 

Actually, he wore this.

Top Fashion Offenses In The World

  • Uggs
  • Eyeblack as a fan
  • Ripped tights with short shorts
  • Sneakers without laces
  • Tracksuits for anything other than exercising.   Even while exercising, they should be avoided whenever possible
  • Jumpsuits (yes, J. Lo.  Even you.)
  • Wearing a costume as fashion

Lady Gaga is my prime example of that last one.  Love her or hate her, her outfits are costumes, not fashion and I hate it when people confuse those two. Brian’s is also a costume.  And I think that is the surest sign of trying too hard.  I mean, doesn’t Wilson take the term “trying too hard” to a whole new level?

The line is, of course, “if he’s doing well on the field, he can do whatever he wants”, but I don’t think that’s true.  The Fashion Police can still come after him, right?  Not to mention he’s been iffy on the field lately.  And if he embarrasses the organization that’s not okay either.

Moving on to… reality TV!  The first episode of The Franchise aired last night, but since I am blissfully living in an age long ago when people didn’t have cable TV, I didn’t see it.  There are conflicting accounts, some saying it was pull-eyes-out-with-forks boring, some that it was leisurely paced but good.  I am going to try and acquaint myself with illegal streaming sites and check it out.  In the meantime, if anyone has a (no-spam, people) link, do let me know.  I did see some stills and it looks pretty, if nothing else.  And non-obtrusive.  I’m obviously not in the situation, but it seems they’ve been fairly low profile and it’s airing at a pretty low-action part of the season and wrapping up before things get really heated.  I do wonder if they’ll do it again next year and if so a) who?  and b) can they choose a better name?

Real Live Baseball That Matters is starting back up in- where else?- San Diego tonight and I have the butterflies stomach.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder (is that even possible in this case?) and this feels like the deep breath before the plunge.

Okay, done quoting.  I’m going to go print out my badge.  Have a lovely late afternoon.

Diamond Girl

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Some Unique First Hai– I Mean, First Half Awards

What did I take away from the 2011 All Star Game?

Justin and Jessica are having issues.  On-again-off-again is off right now.  So much for them eating tacos together, TMZ et al.  He was acting psycho.

(Note lame Fan Cave promos everywhere.)

Seriously, I was hoping he’d at least have a snappy outfit in the Bad Clothing Center of the Play aka the All Star Game, but no such luck.  His hat was nearly as terrible as that shirt.   Anyways, he’s now confirmed he’s a Dodger fan, so my Timberlake moment is over.  Flashing lights and all.


The game itself was kind of boring, except for Ogando and Gio pitching back to back.  That was fun.  But even when Wilson came in, the drama felt 100% manufactured.  I didn’t know who to root for, because I can’t decide how I feel about home field advantage and also because I actually liked more people on the AL squad, because the Giants don’t really play them so I have fewer negative memories of them hitting homers off us or whatever.  You know.  So I rooted for individuals and mostly just enjoyed all the players smiling at each other.  That’s so cute.

So I figure now that’s all over, I should do some mid-season awards.  Here we go:

First Half MLB Awards

Most Improved Hair: Michael Young

As previously discussed, the haircut goes a long way to making Michael look less like an evil blackmailer of Jon Daniels.  I’m liking him quite a lot right now.

Most Improved Facial Hair:  Barry Zito

I hated the ‘stache from moment 1.  The silver lining to Barry’s injury was that the superstitious baseball player that he is, he shaved it off.  And has come back lookin’ and pitchin’ better than ever.

Most Worsened Facial Hair:  Prince Fielder

This goes out to Wilson too:  beards like that make you look homeless.  Not to mention 10+ years older.  Bad idea all around.

Best GM: Theo Epstein

First everyone thought the Sox were going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Then everyone thought they were going to be a total bust.  I think we’re back to the greatest thing since sliced bread stage now.

Giant MVP: Nate Schierholtz

‘Nuff said, Giants fans.

Moment That Doug Melvin Outed Himself as a Shopaholic:  Ryan Braun’s Extension

I just can’t get it out of my head that they’re paying him through 2030.  Who knew that Doug and Rebecca Bloomwood are kindred spirits?

Best Brandon Moment: Tie between Brandon Crawford’s Homer in Debut and Brandon Belt’s Opening Day Call-Up

Our Brandons have made for some pretty great moments this year.

Worst Brandon Moment: Brandon Phillips Hit Which Resulted in Freddy Going Down

Other people’s Brandons?  Not so much.

So what are you awards and strongest memories from this 2011 first half?  Tell me, just because there’s been no real baseball for days and I am going through withdrawal.  Thanks.

Diamond Girl

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You pay me (well, you don’t pay me.  Hint, hint.) to be honest so that’s what I’m going to be:  the band who opened the Home Run Derby was painfully bad.  I don’t know who they are because I turned it on in the middle, but I promptly turned it off then and waited for the real thing to start.  The pitchers who were supposed to be live tweeting from the sidelines had bad phone reception (think: roof closed) and so their tweets were delayed about an hour.  Not so live.  And the first round was mind-numbingly boring.  I munched on my licorice and cherries and sketched heart shaped faces with different haircuts while I watched.  All I remember is the strange broadcasters yelling, “Disgusting!” after one particularly impressive shot.  They were… strange.

Then came the second round.  That was a little better.  Fewer people, more drama and the broadcasters had run out of home run calls so they piped down a little.

Then came the third round and that was actually way exciting.  I have a bit of a Gonzalez vendetta (vendetta may be a strong word, but first he was on the Padres, now the BoSox.  Needless to say, I can’t stand him.) and I really like Robbie, not to mention the sweetness of his dad pitching to him.  So Cano’s come-from-behind victory was dramatic and lots of fun.

The other really sweet thing about the HRD was how many of the players had their kids on the field/in the dugout with them.  Matt Cain, his wife Chelsea and their daughter Harley Mae for sure won the prize for Cutest Ever.  Gotta love that darling headband.

This isn’t the first time Cainer or his fam have rocked the orange and black tastefully.

Maybe he’s a sleeper for the Best Dressed MLB’ers.  Who would have thought?

Carlos Beltran is fueling his own little The Decision fire, dropping hints about teams he would waive his no-trade clause for but I think the absolutely beautiful way he says “Pablo Sandoval” is a sure sign that he’s harboring a deep wish to come to the Giants.  I’ve read up about him a bit and I hope they let him sleep for part of the flight because he loves sleeping and I also hope they served him rice, beans and pork chops (favorite meal).  Playing Marc Anthony wouldn’t have been too bad either.  That’s his favorite singer.  If the Red Sox get him or something, I will blame it on a lack of rice, beans and pork chop on the charter plane.

The main event is tonight.  I think I need to go stock up on licorice.  I already miss Ryan Braun.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Dave Robertson in the All Star parade.  I’m not usually a squee person, but… squee.

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Monday Madness, Why The Home Run Derby Is Consumerist, A Caption Contest and A Hair Review

This morning, I woke up to wall to wall All Star coverage.  But for just a moment, last night, did anyone else hear a very quiet, peaceful planet in Break Mode?  It was kind of beautiful.  It’s like the deep breath before the plunge of the second half. 

But first… the All Star Game!  I have a love-hate relationship with it and I am really, really sad that Ryan Braun, A-Rod, Justin Verlander and Matt Cain won’t be in the game, among others.  Still, I was thrilled to hear that Alexi, Dave Robertson and Pablo Sandoval are replacements.  You win some, you lose some.  In the end, is it just me who vaguely feels like everyone is in the ASG, though?  I know I’ll end up watching, just ‘cause, but expect a lot of snarky Selig comments from me during it.

May I also just say that I’d never seen Chase Field from the outside before now, but I just saw it on MLB Network and it is hideous.  Seriously.  Why does MLB insist on hosting events in architectural nightmares?

The Giants definitely finished the first half on a high note, taking two out of three from the Mets and standing firmly in first place, three games ahead of the Diamondbacks and (little gasp) 8.5 ahead of the Rockies.  There are tight races going on in just about every division, but the NL West is pretty spread out right this second.  Overall, it’s been a roller coaster first half on San Francisco’s part with some lingering bad facial hair.  I’m pumped for Part 2.

And secretly pumped for the Home Run Derby tonight.  I think it’s consumerist (though, read my bio and then decide if you think I have a problem with consumerism) and I seriously object but I’m a li’l pumped anyway.  No one tell Bud.  I mean it.

I’d also like to do a quick caption contest.  My caption for this still from a recent TV interview with Jon Daniels?

I want a suite like this, Chuck Greenberg!”

Diamond Girl

p.s.  Michael Young looks so. much. better. with short hair.


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An Email to Scott Hairston, The Giant Killer

Dear Scott,

I actually think we could get along.  You’re tight with Ian Kinsler, right?  I totally like him.  And you have a cute nickname.  And you’re good.  See, I don’t mind you being good.  Against other teams.  I don’t even mind the occasional hit off the Giants.  That wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship.  It’s just that you are, well, The Giant Killer.

In case you think I am exaggerating or being overly dramatic, check out this sentence from your Wikipedia article: “He has been particularly tough against the Giants, with 11 of his 58 career homers coming off San Francisco, as well as 23 RBI, by far the most against any team he’s faced.” 

Wikipedia says it.  It’s fact.  So, understandably, I’m annoyed with you and your game tying homer in the ninth.  And why didn’t you tell me you were leaving the Padres?  An “im a met now” text would have cut it.  I think I read it in the media probably, but I was still sort of shocked when you came out on deck.

Then again, I can’t decide if this was an example of your hitting skills or some lame pitching.  I am inclined to think the latter.  Any lingering Wilson fondness you may have detected in my talking about Assyrian beard yesterday has vanished (you read my blog, right, Scott?  So you saw that post?). 

I know I’m overreacting and it’s just one loss.  It was just a little bit of a crushing one because of Nate’s splash hit and also because you guys aren’t, ahem, the greatest team this year.  No matter.  We’ll get you and your friends in black tonight.  Don’t think this will go un-avenged, Hairball.

Or… well… I have to ask… would you maybe be interested in a trade to the Giants?  If you can’t beat ‘em, get ‘em to join you, right?  We would love to have you.  I’ll deliver fresh dinner rolls to the club house every weekend.  I make really heavenly dinner rolls.  I will also make some really trendy mixes for the clubhouse and I promise not to put any Lord of the Rings soundtrack on there.  I’ll take you pedal boating in Golden Gate Park and get you the greatest gelato ever in Berkeley.  Interested?  Let me know ASAP.  Ideally, you know, before tonight’s game.  Thanks.  Have a great game.  If you’re in orange and black.  Otherwise, feel free to go 0’fer.  We’d understand.  The Giants great pitching and everything.  Makes total sense.


Diamond Girl

p.s.  Congratulations to Jeter on his 3000th hit!  What a beautiful baseball moment.

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