Welcome to Offense Castle!
Please come through the hedge quietly and one by one. I’ll be giving you a tour and telling you the legend behind this castle, but you must promise to talk only in whispers and not venture near The Tower. We wouldn’t want to wake the Offense up.
Why is the Offense sleeping, you ask?
It all started when Buster Posey, the King of the Offense went to get a haircut at a place called MagicCuts (the name was a rather bad sign) in San Francisco. Little did he know that MagicCuts is actually run by an evil witch who is a Dodger fan, originally from Santa Monica. As she saw Buster outside of the shop, signing autographs and taking pictures she grew very jealous, so as he got his haircut, she conveniently put a spindle in front of him and out of curiosity, he reached out and pricked his finger on it. The effect was obvious instantly. He could tell he’d been put under a charm. So he bravely brandished a baseball bat he happened to be carrying around and said, “What spell have you put on me, Evil Witch?”
The Evil Witch cackled as Evil Witches are wont to do and said, “You and the whole Giants offense will sleep for 100 magic years (in real years, that’s until the All-Star Break) and nothing- and I mean nothing - will make the spell go away before it’s time.” Buster closed his eyes and he could see the whole offense being led on this very path we are now on, through the hedge, to different parts of the castle. Pablo, to the kitchen and DeRosa to the infirmary and Huff to the parlor. And he could see himself, being led to the Great Tower in the middle and when he went in, he saw the door being locked securely behind him.
“Isn’t there anything I can do?” Buster cried.
Buster went home and called Bruce Bochy and told him what had happened.
“Don’t worry, Buster.” Bochy said. And he put on his silver knight helmet and valiantly went out to break the curse and wake the offense up.
Yes, that is a parable. (Did anyone think the restaurant scene in The Social Network when they read that, or am I the only geek who’s seen that movie four times and knows every line?) To say that there is hope for even the deepest sleepers to be awoken. I am a case in point of that every morning. New York is the perfect city for a wake-up call (you know, the loudest garbage trucks in the world at 6:00am) and there are some great flights from Fresno to JFK this afternoon. You know what that means.