I’m heading down to the City of Angels, otherwise known as Dodgertown, USA tomorrow to visit family. I am really not a Southern California person (Berkeley born and raised, baby!) and the whole I’m-a-Giants-fan-they’re-Dodgers-fans thing makes it all the more, you know, complicated. Every time I pledge to be really mellow and not offensive when talking about baseball. And I am really, really going to try not to rub in the Giants performance in 2010 versus the Dodgers performance last year. We are World Champions. We are above that. Wish me luck.
I think we will share common joy, though, because we are on the home stretch of the offseason. I am so excited. Everyone seems to think the teams are pretty much done for the offseason. I think the Giants front office- hello, Brian Sabean- have a few things left to do. And since 13 is both an unlucky number (tradition) and a lucky number (Cody Ross), 13 it is.
13. Institute a new facial hair rule. ‘Nuff said.
12. Make sure Jonathan Sanchez is out of his (very overpriced) leather jacket and ready to roll. You know. Pitch.
11. Plant trees in honor of Chris Ray and Todd Wellemeyer, who are now Mariners and Cubs respectively. Or they may be members of AAA affiliates of the aforementioned teams. A moment of silence would do if the tree thing takes too long.
10. Watch ALCS videos to get adequately afraid of the Rangers, in preparation for their March faceoff. The Giants may have skewed impressions of the Rangers from what went down in the World Series, so a little refreshment of the memory may be in order.
9. Buy a drumming table for the clubhouse. Lincecum, in “A Day in the Life of Tim Lincecum”, says “Zito would have a day with this”. And it would make a great diversion to break up possible monotony of the Desperate Ballplayers of San Fran.
8. Clear up for me whether or not those World Series rings have poison in them. In all corny historical movies/books, nobility (yes, the Giants are nobility. Duh.) have poison in their fancy rings. I have a (irrational? Yes.) suspicion that the Giants’ rings do as well. You can call me a conspiracy theorist now, if you want.
7. Have a long talk with your marketing department before you release the 2011 ad campaigns. A. because it needs to live up to It’s Time and B. because the whole “It’s September Inside” was kind of embarrassing. It was September outside, too.
6. Don’t put Belt on the roster out of camp. Bring him up on May 29nd. Then pretend it was a coincidence. (Don’t I just give the best advice in the world?)
5. Go to each and every one of those stalls that sells Emerald Nuts and tell them that it’s false advertising to have a big sign that says, “Roasted Walnuts” when all you ever have in stock is roasted pecans. I have nothing against pecans, but that is just way misleading.
4. Orange lipstick was big on Spring 2011 runways. It’s the new, modern take on classic red. Alert female Giants fans.
3. Go to the New York Giants and demand giants.com. They are not world champions. We are. They can be nygiants.com.
2. Breathe in. Breathe out. Everything’s going to be okay.
1. Take a little vacation. Get a spa treatment. The season is going to be long. Appreciate the offseason while it’s here.
p.s. And one assignment for JD and the Rangers: since your spring training camp is in Surprise, AZ, would you do me a huge favor and convince the mayor there to add an exclamation point at the end? That would be just awesome. SURPRISE!, AZ.