Monthly Archives: January 2011

13 Things Brian Sabean Needs to Do Before the Giants Hit Scottsdale and Why Surprise, AZ Needs an Exclamation Point

I’m heading down to the City of Angels, otherwise known as Dodgertown, USA tomorrow to visit family.  I am really not a Southern California person (Berkeley born and raised, baby!) and the whole I’m-a-Giants-fan-they’re-Dodgers-fans thing makes it all the more, you know, complicated.  Every time I pledge to be really mellow and not offensive when talking about baseball.  And I am really, really going to try not to rub in the Giants performance in 2010 versus the Dodgers performance last year.  We are World Champions.  We are above that.  Wish me luck.

I think we will share common joy, though, because we are on the home stretch of the offseason.  I am so excited.  Everyone seems to think the teams are pretty much done for the offseason.  I think the Giants front office- hello, Brian Sabean- have a few things left to do.  And since 13 is both an unlucky number (tradition) and a lucky number (Cody Ross), 13 it is.

13.  Institute a new facial hair rule.  ‘Nuff said.

12.  Make sure Jonathan Sanchez is out of his (very overpriced) leather jacket and ready to roll.  You know.  Pitch.

11.  Plant trees in honor of Chris Ray and Todd Wellemeyer, who are now Mariners and Cubs respectively.  Or they may be members of AAA affiliates of the aforementioned teams.  A moment of silence would do if the tree thing takes too long.

10.  Watch ALCS videos to get adequately afraid of the Rangers, in preparation for their March faceoff.  The Giants may have skewed impressions of the Rangers from what went down in the World Series, so a little refreshment of the memory may be in order.

9.  Buy a drumming table for the clubhouse.  Lincecum, in “A Day in the Life of Tim Lincecum”, says “Zito would have a day with this”.  And it would make a great diversion to break up possible monotony of the Desperate Ballplayers of San Fran. 

8.  Clear up for me whether or not those World Series rings have poison in them.  In all corny historical movies/books, nobility (yes, the Giants are nobility.  Duh.) have poison in their fancy rings.  I have a (irrational?  Yes.) suspicion that the Giants’ rings do as well.  You can call me a conspiracy theorist now, if you want.

7.  Have a long talk with your marketing department before you release the 2011 ad campaigns.  A. because it needs to live up to It’s Time and B. because the whole “It’s September Inside” was kind of embarrassing.  It was September outside, too.

6.  Don’t put Belt on the roster out of camp.  Bring him up on May 29nd.  Then pretend it was a coincidence.  (Don’t I just give the best advice in the world?)

5.  Go to each and every one of those stalls that sells Emerald Nuts and tell them that it’s false advertising to have a big sign that says, “Roasted Walnuts” when all you ever have in stock is roasted pecans.  I have nothing against pecans, but that is just way misleading.

4.  Orange lipstick was big on Spring 2011 runways.  It’s the new, modern take on classic red.  Alert female Giants fans.

3.  Go to the New York Giants and demand giants.com.  They are not world champions.  We are.  They can be nygiants.com.

2.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Everything’s going to be okay. 

1.  Take a little vacation.  Get a spa treatment.  The season is going to be long.  Appreciate the offseason while it’s here.

Diamond Girl

p.s.  And one assignment for JD and the Rangers:  since your spring training camp is in Surprise, AZ, would you do me a huge favor and convince the mayor there to add an exclamation point at the end?  That would be just awesome.  SURPRISE!, AZ.

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Why Brian Wilson’s Jokes Last Night Were Really, Really Not Funny. And Why Diamond Girl is Sickened.

Brian Wilson used to be my favorite Giant.  Life of Brian is still my favorite show to watch clips of online (Joey makes way too many appearances for me not to like it!).  Brian has always been weird, no question.  But he used to be endearing and his jokes were off-the-wall but funny. 

life of brian.jpg

His jokes last night on George Lopez were not just in poor taste, they were in really, really poor taste.  The whole Thailand thing?  Nobody laughed.  I’m okay with jokes that are a little offensive or controversial, but that was just not at all funny.  Joking about prostitution in Thailand is just not at all funny.  And the way he did it was very obnoxious.

His teammate, Jeremy Affeldt, as some of you may know, is very involved with the Not for Sale campaign which is an organization of modern-day abolitionists.  You can read what they have to say about Thailand here: http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/projects/thailand/.

I’ve tried to give Wilson a break this offseason, as I’m sure being thrust into this spotlight is difficult, but watching George Lopez and Wilson last night I came to the realization that I am just not a fan of him anymore and the way he is conducting himself honestly sickens me.  He is, of course, first and foremost a baseball player but his off-field antics have made it hard for me to even remember his on-field performance.  He is one of the greatest closers in baseball today, but right now I am having a hard time appreciating that.

I’m very curious how other Giants fans (and all baseball fans, for the matter) feel about Wilson right now and who enjoyed the show last night.

And I would just like to add the hideous fashion faux-pas (grey before his time?  Mimicking Tavi here?)  made him all the less endearing to me.

tavi.jpgbrian wilson.jpg

Hashtag: #epicfail

Diamond Girl

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My 5 Favorite Parts of a Day in the Life of Tim Lincecum

Disclaimer:  This post will come across as moderately to extremely incoherent if you have not watched the show that aired last night on Comcast SportsNet Bay Area, A Day in the Life of Tim Lincecum.  The whole this is online here and it’s worth watching if only because it’s the offseason.  And baseball fans do stupid things in the offseason like women do after breakups (you know, like eating extraordinary amounts of ice cream).

5.  Timmy walks into laundry room.  Realizes there is (dirty?)  laundry all over the floor and tries to pick it up. 

As if we hadn’t already seen it. But I do that too.

4.  “Zito would have a day with this!”

Someone affiliated with the Giants sees something related to music.  Zito alarm bells go off in head.  Always.  Every time.

3.  “What am I supposed to do here??”        

That was honestly my favorite moment in the show.  Those interactive museum things confuse me to no end.  I usually end up breaking them and then bolting before anyone notices.

2.  Tim Lincecum style.

Tim Lincecum style.PNG

I’m not going to pick on his clothes.  I mean, yes the vest/hoodie/t-shirt combo is bizza- – right.  Not picking on his clothes.  But hair is fair game.  And the long bang thing weirds me out.

1.”Whose head is that big?  Oh, I know who.  Bochy.”

Yeah.  Bochy.   And I bet Bochy hangs out at places like that.

Diamond Girl

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Oops.

And here was me thinking my conversation with GM Extraordinaire had gone well.

Armando.PNG

Oops.  Note to self:  be more convincing next time.

Diamond Girl

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J-E-T-S and Yeah, Jon Daniels Gives Better Speeches Than Natalie Portman.

I have a vague sense that some important football games happened today.  Correct me if I’m wrong on that.  I have been alternating between eating little handfuls of cornflakes and yelling, “J-E-T-S!”  I think that’s something football fans do.  Just goin’ with the trends here.

jets.jpg

Some beautiful person put up Jon Daniel’s speech from the Rangers Mid-Winter Banquet (which sounds like some sort of hippie solstice celebration, for the record.  I am from Berkeley.  I know all about those.) on YouTube.  Check it out.   I love his speech. 

And he didn’t laugh manically at a joke that was basically lame to start with.  Big plus.

Otherwise, today’s been very quiet on the baseball front so I started looking at Spring Training tickets.  And saw the Rangers are playing the Giants on March 13th.  You think if I started building a hot air balloon now it would be done in time to fly to Arizona for the game?

hot air balloon.jpg

Diamond Girl

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