Zito is not really pitching that well. Understatement of the Modern Era. I’ve talked about this before, so I’m just going to cut to the chase: I have some theories. Without further ado, please welcome the theories. ::cue clapping and a few whoops::
1. He needs a hug. A real, I-believe-in-you, you-can-do-this, hug.
2. He needs a time-out. Not like a skipped start, like a time-out, like they give to pre-schoolers.
3. Powder went missing. Perhaps was made into a unicorn-burger by a rich San Francisco guy. Not Barry Zito. A different rich San Francisco guy.
Incidentally… do you think Powder and Barry go to the same hair stylist?
4. The Brian Wilson attitude rubbed off on him and he thinks it’s dramatic and fun to mix things up and be a first half pitcher, instead, this year.
6. He figured some record book, some time, might put him in if he never has an ERA under 4.00 while on the Giants. It’s true, some record book might. Like the SF Diamond Girl Record Book. But I can’t think of any other ones.
7. He misses Bengie. I do, too.
8. John Mayer quit Twitter and so Barry got depressed. Despite the fact that he official quit Twitter a while time ago, he still might be on it. Secretly. ::cue conspiracy music::
9. Chris Rose, Evil Spirit, has it in for him and sticks pins in his voodoo doll before every start. I want to see this voodoo doll. I wonder if it really looks like him. Capturing his complex spirit in a tiny doll might be, you know, complex? For lack of a better word.
10. He thinks the idea of being an 126 million dollar cheerleader (that term was coined by Henry Schulman) is interesting. I do, too. If someone wants to give me the job instead, feel free to. Do cheerleaders get special names, like rapper names? ‘Cause if so, I want to be Psychic Seagull.